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Prep Golf profile for critique

Discussion in 'Writers' Workshop' started by jsanmateo, Oct 31, 2008.

  1. jsanmateo

    jsanmateo New Member


    Taylor Camany earned her driver's license last week at age 16, yet for the past few years this Salinas High School student has been driving a golf ball quite a bit.

    "She's definitely good at golfing, just not the best driver," said her father Dale Camany.

    While the driving skills may need a little bit of work, Taylor has been stellar on the golf course. She made the varsity squad for the Cowboys as a freshman and ended up with the team MVP award twice. On Monday, she shot a 77 to help the Salinas golf team qualify for the Central Coast Section championships on Tuesday. She has also finished in the top 15 at the 2007 CCS championships in Carmel and followed in the footsteps of LPGA pro Paula Creamer by winning the Women's Golf Association of Northern California most improved Junior Golfer award.

    She made her debut against national competition last August after shooting a second round 69 at De Laveaga golf course in Santa Cruz to qualify for the Trusted Choice Big "I" Junior tournament at Pinehurst golf course in North Carolina. Though Taylor ended up missing the cut, she was one of two girls to represent California at the tournament.

    All of these accolades makes for a lengthy resume, but her reasons for playing golf at a high level are not hard to figure out. "My goal is to play in college," Taylor said. "I want to play for Pepperdine, it's my dream school."

    For her parents, motivating their daughter to play golf has been simple. "We've never even had to suggest working on her game," said Dale Camany. "It's a passion of hers."

    Taylor's interest in golf

    started in the seventh grade, but developed after being exposed to the game at an early age. Dale Camany said that her daughter was involved in the local First Tee program, which tries to bring golf to younger kids. "It taught her her respect, patience and a sense of competition," Dale said.

    Her family also had a lot to do with it. Aside from Paula Creamer, one of Taylor's role models is her cousin, Lindsey Sheen, a Salinas High graduate who earned a scholarship to play golf for Boise State in Idaho. "We were always together with our dads playing golf. At one point she just had that spark," Sheen said. "Taylor has so much potential. She could be great being so young and with great knowledge of the game."

    At 5'2 and 100 pounds, taking advantage of that potential has become a combination of a strong mental approach and hard work. Her private coach Patrick Parrish, a pro with the Pebble Beach golf Academy, said Taylor reminds him of pro golfer Gary Player.

    "(Gary) Player has a really strong heart," Parrish said. "I showed her videos of him because I wanted her to realize that someone smaller could make it. He was small and short, but was also a physical fitness nut."

    With the help of a physical fitness trainer, Taylor has taken to eating right and getting fit. "I see a physical trainer once a week and I also work out," she said. "I just want to reach my potential."

    She does not slouch on the golf side of things either. Her father said that she usually practices six days a week."

    Her main asset is what Parrish deems a "killer instinct" on the golf course. "She has great composure when trying to beat an opponent, but she also controls her emotions," he said. "That's important when hitting a golf ball because you have to be stable."

    While golf takes up a lot of time, academics have not suffered at all as a result. Her father said that she maintains a 4.07 grade point average and takes Advance Placement classes at Salinas High.

    Taylor said, "School always comes first, and then golf."
  2. dawgpounddiehard

    dawgpounddiehard Active Member

    I don't have time to get into the entire article, I'll save that for a later day.

    You're lede is a little weak. Instead of using what you used, why not use an anecdote from her father about why she's not a good driver. Then tie that into how she's a good driver of the golf ball.

    Generalizations make for weak writing.

    A quick glance of the rest of the stuff, seems solid.

    Again, I'll get back to this later. Thanks for posting.
  3. Mark2010

    Mark2010 Active Member

    Lots of female athletes prefer not to have their weights listed. Just a quirk where guys and gals seem to differ. 100 lbs, isn't all that unusual for someone 5-foot-2. Now if she was 300 lbs., THAT would be worth mentioning.

    Capitalize proper names (people, places, titles, etc.).
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