Post a Joke

I think she purposefully waited until after the wedding to tell me that one.

 

Guy gets a call that his wife has been in a horrible accident and is being rushed to the hospital.

He arrives to the ER and is met by the attending physician, who is a longtime friend. He asks how his wife is doing and the physician shakes his head.

"Bob, I hate to tell you this, but your life is about to change. Barb is paralyzed from the neck down and will need constant attention 24 hours a day. It will be pretty expensive even on your salary and with insurance. The days of golf in Scotland, jetting off to the Keys to fish and going to Vail in winter for the slopes probably are over. You're going to have to work pretty hard and learn how to provide care in case the assistant can't be there."

Bob is crestfallen and begins shaking. He can't believe what has happened.

The physician pats him on the shoulder and says, "Naaa, I'm just fucking around with you. She's dead."

 

So a guy heads to the bar and orders a drink. When he finishes he looks at something in his pocket, then orders another. He finishes the next one, and looks at his pocket again. He decides to order another, and looks at his pocket again.

After another couple drinks, the bartender finally asks him, "What do you keep looking at in your pocket?"

The guy says, "It's a picture of my wife." So the bartender says, "Why do you keep looking at it every time you finish a drink?"

The guy responds, "So I know when it's time to go home."

 

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, what the camel was for.

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."

The Captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, "Bring in the camel!"

The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel.

As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town"

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Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to go and visit her grandmother in the forest and her mother said: "You'd better not go out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because the big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do; He'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and screw your little red socks off."

But Little Red Riding Hood pulled out a shotgun and said: "Don't worry Mum, I've got it covered."

So she was walking through the forest when she came across the three little pigs.

One of them ran out of the brick house and said "You shouldn't be out tonight Little Red Riding Hood! The big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do if he catches you. He'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and screw your little red socks off."

So she pulled out the shotgun and said "Don't worry boys. Got it covered!"

As she continued through the forest she came across the big bad wolf and he said: "You shouldn't have come out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because you know what I'm going to do. I'm going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and screw your little red socks off."

So she lifted up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties, lay down on her back with her legs apart, pointed the shotgun at him and said, "NO I don't think so!! You're going to eat me like the book says."

 

So a retired Army admiral, a rabbi and a black guy walk into a bar......
























To have a drink because they're friends you fucking racist.

 

This is a detective story so pay close attention!!!
Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first baseball game.
They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniel's into the ball park.
The game is real exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely mixing the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks.
Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go.
Based on the given information, what inning is it and how many players are on base?






Answer: it's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded.......


---

Four people are in the running for the job of Wal-Mart greeter: Joe, Marcus, Shirley and Bubba. The three are pulled in for an interview together. The final question the interviewer put to them was, "What is the fastest thing you can think of?"

Joe was first. He said, "A thought."

The interviewer said, "Well, that is a fast thing."

Marcus was next. He said, "A blink."

The interviewer thought this was also a good answer.

Shirley was next. She said, "Light. What is faster than the speed of light?"

The interviewer, thinking Shirley was correct, then turned to Bubba, who said, "Diarrhea."

The interviewer said, "I beg your pardon?"

Bubba said, "I had a really bad case of diarrhea last week and I went in to use the bathroom and before I could think, blink or turn on a light, I had shit my pants."

And now, Bubba is the new greeter at the Wal-Mart near you....

 

An Irishman is drinking at his neighborhood pub on a typical night, and tells his mates it's time for him to head home.

'Come on, Patrick, just stay here and take one more shot!" they all implore him.

He relents and does another shot. Again he tries to go, and again they convince him to have another shot. This repeats itself for several hours, until finally Patrick looks at his watch and realizes he'd better get home or his wife will kill him.

He pivots off the barstool and falls flat on his face. The room is spinning. He manages to military crawl, dragging himself with his elbows, and makes it out the door. Luckily, he lives just a few doors down.

Completely plowed, he works his way down the sidewalk and drags himself up the front walk to his house. His wife is standing on the porch, her arms crossed.

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again, didn't you?"

 

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation.

When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back,
he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says, "Well, put them here between my legs and warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says
again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well, put them here between my legs and warm them up."

He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more
time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my
hands are really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get
cold?"

 

A doctor started having an affair with his nurse,and shortly after this
started, she announced that she had become pregnant.Not wanting his wife
to find out, he gave her a large amount of money and asked her to go out
of the country, to Germany, to wait out the pregnancy and have the baby
over there. "But, how will you know when our baby is born?" she
asked. "Well", he said, "After you've had the baby, just send me a post
card and write 'sauerkraut' on the back". Not knowing what else to do, she
took the money and went off to Germany. Six months went by and then one
day the doctor's wife called him at his office."Dear, you received a very
strange post card in the mail today", she explained. "I don't understand
what it means!" "Just wait till I get home and I'll read it," he
replied. Later that evening, the doctor came home and read his postcard
which said:"SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT; TWO WITH WIENERS, ONE WITHOUT!"

 

Three rats are relaxing in a bar. After a few jugs, they start to boast about how tough they are.
The first rat says, "When I woke up, there was a match box of Rat-o-Kill outside my hole. I ate the lot and didn't feel a thing."
After a significant pause and a few more glasses, the second rat chips in,
"When I got up this morning, there was a massive rat trap with an enormous piece of prime cheese for bait. I stepped up, caught the bar on my back, ate the cheese and slipped out without even a bruise."
At this, the third rat gets up and heads for the door.
"Where are you going?" ask the two other rats. "Aw, I'm bored here. Think I'll go home and f**k the cat again."

 

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy".

"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears. At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven".

Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said:

"Mommy almost died this morning". Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "What do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy! "Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air. Mommy was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" Daddy, if it hadn't been for the mailman holding her down she would definitely have gone to heaven".

 

Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie out for a
pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It's a beautiful day and
love is in the air so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre,
kiss me!".

So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's
lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" Shrieks Marie. "Well, my name is Pierre,

the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red
wine!"

His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So
she says : "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts
pouring it all over her breasts.

"Pierre, what are you doing?" "My name is Pierre, the French Fighter
Pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into his ear: "Pierre,
kiss me lower."

Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles
it all over her bush. He grabs a match and lights it on fire.

Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams: "PIERRE, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING!!!?"

"My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I go down, I go
down in Flames!"