Possibly worst call from a coach

Coach, in his first match, calls in the results of a volleyball match.

"We won, three games to one," the coach said.

I asked what were the game scores?

"The statistician has that, I'll call her and ask," the coach said.

I then asked for the statistical leaders and he said the statistician also had those figures.

I asked, "Who played well for your team?" and he gave me a first name.

"What's his last name?" I asked.

Coach: "I don't know his last name. I know the first initial of his last name."

I suggested he e-mail me a roster.

 

You sure that was a coach that called and not some drunk?

 

Team played almost all of the games against out-of-area teams. Coach was my algebra teacher.

Me: "His first name?"

Coach: "Ummm. Doug ... Doug."

Me: "Doug? You sound like you're not sure."

Coach: "He looks like a Doug. Call him Doug."

Me: "Looks like a Doug? Are you making this up?"

Coach: "Yeah. I always do. They never write down the first names."

 

I've covered rugby and sometimes they're one and the same.

 

CLICK

 

I'm still laughing. That's great.

 

This particular call happened at least once a night:

Me: Sports department.

They: "Calling to report a score."

(short pause)

Me: What sport, coach (I call everyione qwho calls coach, so sue me)?

They: Oh!. . . uh, boys basketball.

Me: Was this a league game?

They: Yes.

(short pause).

Me: What league?

They: OH! . uh . . . . City League.

Me: OK, who was the home team?

They: Oh, uh . . . Podunk. No, wait . . . BFE. (chuckles uneasily).

Me: OK, scoring by quarters, away team first.

They: First quarter, it was Podunk 14, BFE 12. Second quarter . . .

Me (due to the primitive computer system): Can I please get Podunk's full scoring, then BFE's?

They: OH . .OK. Podunk went 14, 28, 46, 62.

Me: So that's 14, 14, 18, 16?

They: Um . .yeah.

(short pause)

Me: OK, BFE, scoring by quarters?

They: Um . . 12, 26 . .Oh, sorry . . jeez, let me count this up . . 8,9, . . . 14 in the second quarter, uh . . 9,10,11 . . . 12 in the third quarter . . .and uh . . .16 in the fourth quarter.

Me: So, final score was . . . 62-54, Podunk?

They: Uh, , yeah.

Me: OK, individual scoring, road team first.

They: OK, for BFE, it was Smith 2, Jones had 4 . . .

Me: Road team first, please. It helps us keep these boxes in order.

They: Oh, yeah, Sorry . . . .UH . . . . Geez, our stat girls didn't really get their scoring . . . I think number 12 had like 22 points . . .he was a monster, we just couldn't stop his drives to the basket . . . . .Uh . . . . . NO, sorry. I don't have it.

Me: OK, what was your scoring?

They: (with much more enthusiasm): Smith 2, Jones 4, McGillicuddy had 0 . . .

Me: Just the ones who scored, coach.

They: Oh, sorry . . . uh, hold on. . . . ..

(brief pause, shuffling of papers)

They: OK . . . . Smith 2, Jones 4, McGillicuddy . . oh, that's right . . . Uh, . . . . Wozniak 32, and uh, J. Jones - they're brothers - 16.

Me: What was the first initial on the Jones who had four points?

They: Uh . . . . . let me see . . . .Malcolm, so that's, um . .

Me: M.

They: yeah . . . . and James Wozniak also had 10 rebounds, and Jason Jones had eight assists. . . Smith took three charges.

Me: OK . . . what is Podunk's overall record and league record?

They: Uh . . .I know they beat us twice . . . . uh, I don't have it. Our stat girls are still learning . . .

Me: OK, what is BFE's overall record?

They: 7-5 in league.

Me: OK . . . what is BFE's overall record?

They: UH . . we played in three tournaments . . . .finished fifth in one . . . .15-10.

Me: Who do you play next, and when?

They: Podunk Christian.

(short pause)

Me: When is that game? and what time?

They: OH! Uh . . . Tuesday, 7 p.m. . . at Podunk Christian.

Me: OK, anything else?

They: Um, no. Thanks!

Me; No problem, good luck in your next game.

CLICK.

 

I've gotten those calls. Usually, it's some manager who's calling in the scores and stats - only he/she doesn't have the information, so they ask the coach. Then you get the awkward conversation of:

Me: "What was the score at the half?"
Manager: "Um....Coach, what was the score at the half?"
Coach: "45-42"
Manager: "45-42"

Can we cut out the middle man here? Come on.

Or how about these doozies:

Manager: "I'd like to report a score"
Me: "OK, what do you have?"
Manager: "We won, 45-42."
Me: "And the sport?"
Manager: "Basketball."
Me: "Boys or girls?"
Manager: "Girls"
Me: "And who played?"
Manager: "Urban Tech and South High"
Me: "And who won?"
Manager: "Urban Tech."

Really? About halfway through, the irritation in my voice grows so clear, it's hard to imagine these folks don't pick up on it.

 

We get e-mails like this: "You spelled my kid's name wrong on the Web site. Please correct it."
(end of e-mail)






Oh sorry. Let's see, we cover 90 schools, each have 15-20 teams, each have 10-50 or more players.

 

The easy part's finding it -- just look for the kid named Wrong. What you'd correct it to, I haven't the foggiest.

 

Me: Sports, good evening.
Coach: Yes. I'd like to report a game.
Me: Where are you calling from coach?
Coach: My house.

Guess I deserved that one.

 

solid, because it's true on so many levels.