Planning your funeral

I want to be taxidermied naked and stood in the bedroom.

 

Since I am currently unmarried, it will be up to my daughter to do with me as she pleases. Even if I do get married anytime in the near future, the only prospect out there also knows it will ultimately come down to whatever she wants.

Having said that ... I have certainly shared with her a few things that I would prefer. All of which she so far agrees with. There is a particular song that I want played. Said song has been shared with her. Since I know that she leans towards cremation, I am OK with that.

I have made it clear to her that if she chooses the cremation route, she is to (geez - this is going to sound morbid and horrible) share my ashes with as many people as desire to have some. So that each of those people can spread their small amount of my ashes wherever it is that had meaning for the two of us.

 

Planning a funeral on short notice is a gigantic pain in the ass. My brother and I had to do it when Dad passed away. Fortunately, he left a few instructions on what he wanted, which made things a little easier. Still, it was neither easy nor cheap.

As a result of what I learned in that experience, I want to get pre-need arrangements done for all of my immediate family members before this year is over. Not only does it take a lot of the stress out of things, but it can save thousands of dollars in costs depending when the person actually dies. (A person in the industry told me funeral costs double about every 10 years and right now it's anywhere from $4,000 to $20,000, depending on what you do.)

It's true that few people like to contemplate or discuss matters such as dying but we all know it's going to happen someday. So if one has the means to prepare in advance, there are plenty of benefits to doing such.

 

I have no preferences. I'll be dead. Open casket or closed, buried or burned, religious service or secular or none. No difference to me.

 

I can totally understand feeling without closure and the having a desire to have a particular formal place to go to visit with a loved one.

But I also get any indecision on what to do with any ashes, once they are in the family's possession.

If my mom's, my and my family's experiences with my dad's remains are any indication, it is often kind of comforting to have the deceased persons ashes nearby, as long as they're in a dedicated box and treated respectfully and with care. It makes it so it feels like the person is actually still close -- that you still have them with you, as much as is possible, anyway.

I know my mom takes his box down from a shelf in her closet -- she keeps it there so as not to freak out some young kids we have in the family -- whenever his birthday, or their anniversary or the anniversary of his death comes around, and I think she gets some comfort and closeness from being able to hold it, talk to him and pray as if he is actually there with her, too.

It's possible Craig's kids may feel the same way.

As for what my mom wants to do (and what she'd discussed with my dad before his passing) once she goes, well, she hasn't decided yet. She doesn't know if she likes the idea of cremation (she wasn't crazy about it with my dad but that was what he wanted), and she has a plot in which she could be buried. So the current plan, I think, is that she'd be buried, with my dad's box in the casket with her. But she's also conscious of the fact that it would be less expensive to be cremated. Basically, it's all still kind of undecided, because, really, she doesn't actually want to think about it.

"I don't know," she says, shaking her head. "I don't want to talk about it."

Then, she digs in her heels.

"I'm just not goin'...," she says.

I have to say, I know how she feels and am not sure what I'd want either, although I'd lean toward cremation.

I do think it's good/better, to have a known plan in place, though, just to make it easier and to help make things feel more certain and right for all involved.

 

If possible, I want to write my own obit so it will be factually and grammatically correct, and not some funeral home disaster with every other word capitalized.

Since they frown on throwing whole bodies in the Gulf, just find a place to ditch the body somewhere within the bounds of this state. For God's sake, please let people make an effort to dress up a little. If all you can do is some khakis from Target, that's fine, but please no jeans and T-shirts.

And Yea Alabama slowly on the piano. Otherwise I'm good.

 

I really like this, actually.

An idea I had while reading all of these was a Roast and Roast. Yeah, people can remember me for the good I did, but even in death I'd be far from perfect. So point out the faults in a fun way and also give people an opportunity to lighten it up a little. Death is sad, but only being sad about it is worse. Afterward, the real roast — cremation. Of course, if the future Mrs. Waffle and/or Wafflettes (IDK what Waffle children would be called) want to go traditional burial, that's okay — just do it reasonably cheap.

And my reception better have at least one craft beer. Make that the big expense.

 

Just about my only request would be no obit.
Several years of editing obits ingrained in me a deep and abiding hatred of obits.

 

"Come one, come all to a wake for the late, great Captain Pierce. We'll be mourning all afternoon and evening. The deceased will give the eulogy, and the guests will have 20 minutes for rebuttal."

 

Here's my planned funeral:

 

I'll echo the part about funerals/memorial services being for the living. My dad was all about "DON'T HAVE A FUNERAL," so instead a few weeks later there was a -- I shit you not -- "Ken's gone to Heaven" party at my brother's house. The highlight, which I learned of afterward, was when I learned from my mother that one of my cousins overheard me say something terrible about her as I was talking privately to my wife. I have no idea what it was, and I don't care to know, because at my father's goddamn gone-to-Heaven party I should be allowed to say any damn fool thing I want allegedly out of earshot, and because that cousin is terrible. The problem, long-term, is that for my mother, I don't think pretending la-di-da he's gone to Heaven gave her any real closure -- I hate that word, but I can't think of another -- or a real time to let it all out in mourning.

(Another note: my dad was cremated, and being he died he priced various funeral homes to get the cheapest deal. After all, cremation is cremation -- it's not like there's options for you to be hickory-smoked and glazed. Just to keep stereotypes alive, yep, a funeral home serving the Jewish community was the cheapest.)

Regarding caskets, a weird thing I learned after my mother-in-law died was that her casket came with a 10-year guarantee. So just to make sure we're not getting ripped off, in another nine years I'm having that baby dug up to make sure it's still good.

 

I don't have any family, so I think I'll will my estate to my favorite radio station.