Peter King, Enforcer of elevator etiquette

My favorite thing in the world is when a jerk tries jumping ahead of me in the right lane. My car is a 17-year-old motorized dent given just enough TLC to keep the engine running. It is a total hooptie city car that gets left on the street without much care about what anyone does to it. And if you can imagine it, it has been done to that car.

You try cutting into traffic ahead of me, and I am not you giving a millimeter. If you want to play that "no eye contact" thing, I am going to play "let's bump and then decide who the winner in this battle was."

 

That car really doesn't even get out of New York very much, and I have never had an accident, believe it or not. Well, except once when I was double parked and I got clipped by a truck. The other dents, happened either before I had the car or when I wasn't in it. I once came out to find it with a mangled driver-side door. The thing was just caved in. I have no idea how it happened. But the car still drove and it just added to its character, so I embraced it. I have various nicks from people who didn't know how to parallel park. I have had windows randomly broken for no reason, a side view mirror yanked off, the worlds crummiest hubcaps stolen, etc. If I don't have to fix it or replace it, I don't. If I do, I just drive it over to this sleazy place in Sunset Park, Brooklyn, run by a guy whose name I don't know and don't want to know, who can replace a car window in two hours. All cash, very little talk. When he replaced the side-view mirror, I showed up a few hours later to get the car, and he said, "Good news. I found one in the same color." I didn't want to know if that meant it came from a used parts guy down the block or another parked car somewhere that looked like mine.

But as far as fender benders, I can drive that thing like I own the road and everyone shows that car the respect an aging special forces commando deserves. I can't count the number of times someone was pulling the "cut into the right lane in traffic to skip the exit line" move, yet no one has ever been stupid enough to play the game of chicken to the very end.