On The Sideline Column

First chance at a column, what do you think?


To start things off, congratulations to the New York Giants for winning it all and taking a spot in history for destroying the bitter dream of the New England Patriots getting a perfect 19-0 season and joining the 1972 Miami Dolphins' company.

But before I go to much off topic, lets take it back to the week before the big game at the NFL Media Day. According to the NFL, 116 different media outlets got credentials for the event, but the funny part of it all was of all that the media thought it was better to finish eating the breakfast buffet put out then to actually do some real work and go interview the players.

That was just the beginning of what people will always remember as the circus they call the Super Bowl Media Day, where outlets that have not covered a single football game all year take the field and disrupt it all for the real journalists, that actually have deadlines and media outlets that need to get an interview with Tom Brady or Eli Manning before they go to print for tomorrow's paper.

But instead we get attractive girls and women asking really stupid questions, like the Spanish reporter that asked almost every player on the field, including the much publicized “Will you marry me” given to Tom Brady. Now if this was not enough, we had Entertainment Tonight correspondent Maria Menounos wearing a credential over her Tom Brady jersey. Don’t get me wrong, but if I tried to wear anything that showed I was giving more love for one of the teams, I would be waiting somewhere called the unemployment line.

But since this isn't real sports media, everything is a OK and they can wear whatever they want. Speaking of wearing whatever they wanted, the Spanish reporter who asked Brady to marry her at least came prepared incase he said 'yes.' How can the NFL let people like that in to the stadium?

Now if that was enough horror for all of you, how about the Telemundo reporter who thought he was funny using a puppet to interview Darren Barnett a member of the Giants practice squad?

You got to love the NFL, and we'll talk a lot about it in the upcoming weeks.

 

Two paragraphs in a row that start with but. Plus some other ones in there as well.

Also, I wouldn't use first person yet. Develop a voice for the column and then try it.

 

You lost me when you congratulated the Giants in your lede.

 

nut-

My edits appear in caps.

----------------------

To start things off, congratulations to the New York Giants for winning it all and taking a spot in history for destroying the bitter dream of the New England Patriots getting a perfect 19-0 season and joining the 1972 Miami Dolphins' company. (THIS IS A RUN ON, AND WEAKLY WRITTEN. I'M ALL FOR COLLOQUIALISM, BUT YOUR LEDE NEEDS TO BE SHARP. THIS WOULD BE OKAY IF IT WAS READ ON THE RADIO, BUT IN PRINT, IT FAILS. DITCH "TO START THINGS OFF." ALSO, WATCH WORD CHOICE -- WAS IT A "BITTER" DREAM FOR THE PATS? OR YOU?)


But before I go to much off topic, lets take it back to the week before the big game at the NFL Media Day. According to the NFL, 116 different media outlets got credentials for the event, but the funny part of it all was of all that the media thought it was better to finish eating the breakfast buffet put out then to actually do some real work and go interview the players.

(DITCH "BEFORE I GET TOO MUCH OFF TOPIC." THIS NEEDS FURTHER EXPLANATION. I DIDN'T WATCH MEDIA DAY COVERAGE, BUT I ASSUME EVENTUALLY INTERVIEWS WERE CONDUCTED AND THAT PEOPLE DIDN'T EAT ALL DAY LONG. IF YOU WANT TO USE THIS TO INTRODUCE A THEME, YOU NEED TO MAKE A POINT HERE.)

That was just the beginning of what people will always remember as the circus they call the Super Bowl Media Day, where outlets that have not covered a single football game all year take the field and disrupt it all for the real journalists, that actually have deadlines and media outlets that need to get an interview with Tom Brady or Eli Manning before they go to print for tomorrow's paper.

("PEOPLE WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER"? MEDIA DAY IS JUST ITS NAME, AND MOST PEOPLE WON'T REMEMBER IT. ALSO, SEEMS LIKE YOU'RE DEFENDING THE REAL REPORTERS WHO, ONE GRAPH AGO, YOU TOOK A SHOT AT FOR EATING THE BUFFET.)

But instead we get attractive girls and women asking really (DITCH "REALLY") stupid questions, (PERIOD, NEW SENTENCE.) like the Spanish reporter that asked almost every player on the field, including the much publicized “Will you marry me” given to Tom Brady. Now if this was not enough, we had Entertainment Tonight correspondent Maria Menounos wearing a credential over her Tom Brady jersey. (DITCH "NOW") Don’t get me wrong, but if I tried to wear anything that showed I was giving more love for one of the teams, I would be waiting somewhere called the unemployment line.

(DITCH "DON'T GET ME WRONG." IF YOU WANT TO ATTACK SOMEBODY, TAKE THE GLOVES OFF. ALSO, YOU'RE REFERENCING THE "MUCH PUBLICIZED" QUESTION, BUT NOT ADDING A COMMENT. IF THIS IS TO BE A COMMENTARY, YOU CAN'T JUST HAVE EXPOSITION, ESPECIALLY IF IT'S SOMETHING ALL YOUR READERS ALREADY KNOW.)

But since this isn't real sports media, everything is a OK and they can wear whatever they want. Speaking of wearing whatever they wanted, the Spanish reporter who asked Brady to marry her at least came prepared incase he said 'yes.' How can the NFL let people like that in to the stadium?

(WEAK GRAPH. DITCH ALL OF IT EXCEPT "HOW CAN THE NFL...")

Now if that was enough horror for all of you, how about the Telemundo reporter who thought he was funny using a puppet to interview Darren Barnett a member of the Giants practice squad?

(NEED MORE DETAIL. AS SOMEONE WHO MISSED IT, I WOULDN'T MIND SOME OF THE EXCHANGE, HOW BARNETT REACTED, ETC.)

You got to love the NFL, and we'll talk a lot about it in the upcoming weeks.

(NO I DON'T. AGAIN, A BIT TOO CHATTY. END STRONG.)

---

I don't think you're all wrong here. But here's my advice.

- The first graph didn't help. This seemed to be about media day, and you led with a graph about the game itself. Just kind of got in the way. And that's evidenced by you opening the second graph with "Before I get off topic." I've certainly been deep into a piece and found that my thoughts were drifting away from the main storyline, but here you INTRODUCED your column with something off-topic.

That brings up the issue of control. This is your column, take it where you want to. Jgmacg would, at this point, ask you "What is this column about?" And when you get that answer, cut out everything that doesn't have speak directly to that point.

- I try not to go after anyone's style, but there's something missing here. This feels a bit like stand-up comedy, which is a voice that can work in a humor column. But it's a humor column with no jokes. Imagine seeing a stand-up who said, "What's the deal with McDonald's?" and then didn't follow with a punchline. That's how this feels. You're pointing out ridiculous things without ridiculing them. If this is the voice you're working toward, try to sharpen your perspective and develop your voice. (Read a lot, write a lot.)

I guess that's why you came here. Thanks for posting, hope this helps.

 

Sorry, sportsnut. That needs to be thrown away and never revived.

You need to learn to write much better before you can write columns.


[This is a little harsh for the Workshop, but I'll let it stand. It's fair, it's honest, and it's not a gratuitous rip. -- jgmacg]

 

yup.

 

sportsnut -

Thanks for posting with us. And thanks to our contributors here for lots of good suggestions.

Without knowing anything about you, 'nut, I'd say your first priority as a writer is to start reading a great deal more. More sports, more opinion, and more general-interest reading of all kinds.

Becoming a better reader is part of the work of becoming a better writer.

Again, thanks for posting.

 

To put it more gently, jg, I think sportsnut has fallen into the trap that so many younger kids do ... thinking they have to write a column when they don't have nearly enough experience and have not developed their writing skills enough.

 

I wanted to drop in and say thank you for all the comments and help most of you have given me in regards to this column.

I am 24 so I am not to young, but I am nowhere near the age or experience level of so many of the talented sports writers that visit SportsJournalists.com.

I sent this column in to Mr. Simers columnist from the LA Times, and he gave me some of the same points posted here.

They have given me this column, and I will do my best to improve as a writer and as a columnist.

Again thank you so much for all the help and I will be back.

 

Just curious, sportsnut. Who is they who have given you this column?
Not looking for you to out yourself, but size of paper, etc. might help us here

 

dude, if you are 24, you are young, damn young. the combined age of the people who replied here probably is something like 112 (thanks for nothing, spnited).

my point is to stay focused. writing columns is a totally different beast than gamers or features. keep your head up, stay focused and don't give up on writing columns.

 

I'm going to presume that you weren't at Media Day. I think you were trying to go for a column criticizing the NFL for allowing anyone with a microphone at media day, and that's great. I just think that this could have been done differently.