Ok I'm Lost... Confused?

But what about Andrew?

 

Eight year olds, dude.

 

Whatever, Auger.

 

And another epic sock puppet is born. It's a magical thing to see. A miracle of nature!

 

Really?

Please send me a personal message.

 

All I know is, those beers ain't bringing themselves, noob.

 

And I thought nothing would be happening here this weekend!

 

Agreed

 

The new boss around here really needs to add "Noobs will fetch beers" to the Terms of Service agreement.

 

And good beers....none of this "Great Taste" bullshit.

 

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF "ANDREW AUGER"

11:47 a.m. (PST) -- wakes up with a start, realizes he just had a horrible dream that he napalmed any career hopes by acting like a jackass on SportsJournalists.com

11:48 a.m. -- realizes it was not a dream

11:50 a.m. -- checks email, the Seattle Times has not responded to his resume

11:55 a.m. -- stomps feet

11:56 a.m. -- come up with a great idea: Go to SportsJournalists.com and log in as ANDREW AUGER and pretend someone else has been posting as him!

11:58 a.m. -- runs around his bedroom pretending he just hit the game-winning World Series home run

12:03 p.m. -- gets assignment from Bleacher Report editors: pen story about the top 10 hottest sister-in-laws of NFL QBs and make sure Elisabeth Hasselbeck is no. 1

12:04 p.m. -- begins Googling Elisabeth Hasselbeck

3:32 p.m. -- finishes Googling Elisabeth Hasselbeck

3:35 p.m. -- begins writing top 10 slideshow

3:35 p.m. -- finishes writing top 10 slideshow

3:36 p.m. -- submits piece to Bleacher Report

3:37 p.m. -- goes to SportsJournalists.com and registers as "Andrew Auger"

3:45 p.m. -- finishes post titled "OK I'm lost... Confused?"

3:47 p.m. -- leans back on his bed with a satisfied grin

3:49 p.m. -- losing patience waiting for someone to post a message declaring all is forgiven, calls his friend Andy Auger to brag

3:50 p.m. -- as his own phone rings, he remembers that he is in fact Andy Auger

3:51 p.m. -- cries

3:57 p.m. -- sees first reply to his thread, panicked that it is skeptical and non-believing

4:33 p.m. -- sees several more replies, all skeptical and non-believing

4:42 p.m. -- using the fine writing skills he learned at Bleacher Report to respond to every one and try to convince these idiots that he's not really Andy Auger

4:55 p.m. -- leans back on his bed with a satisfied grin

4:57 p.m. -- calls Andy Auger again

4:58 p.m. -- cries again

5:27 p.m. -- realizing absolutely nobody buys the shit he's shoveling, "Andrew" decides to surrender and give up his sportswriting dream

5:28 p.m. -- notices he has a new message on SportsJournalists.com

5:29 p.m. -- buoyed by his new friend dkphxf's willingness to put in a good word for him at every place he's interned, Andrew decides to keep the dream alive

 

OK, that's pretty fucking awesome. I think Lars Hanson just peed himself a little bit.