No advice necessary, but it's welcome

Re: No advice necessary

Folks live about six hours away, but it's likely time for a trip and that cup of coffee.

My parents are in counseling, but not together (Interesting side note: My dad kept my mom out of counseling for the longest time by telling her the co-pay was $100 when in reality it's $20 per visit). My brother's seeing someone too (although, from what I've heard, it's a xx-minute session of staring at each other). Mom originally said she wouldn't move back in until they saw a counselor together ... of course, that changed when Laura said she was putting the house up. I'm leary about the counseling for my dad. He went to seminary for counseling ... he's been the one running the puppet show, knows how the strings are pulled and can make the moves to make the counselor and family think he's well. Maybe I'm too cynical.

How do I get them back "on track" if I don't really think they should be "on track?"

 

Re: No advice necessary

I'm no shrink, for sure, but I don't think separate counseling is going to do the trick.

IMO, whether they're together or not really isn't your decision. If they want to be together, you should be as supportive as possible and help facilitate it any way you can. If they don't want to be together, well, there really isn't much you can do.

It sounds as though your father, with his counselor shenanigans, isn't sincere about his efforts. It sounds like he's the hingepin for all this stuff to go down. During your cup of coffee, I think you can really get a feel about whether he's serious or not.

It's all on them, specifically your father, but you still need to be the calming and sensible voice in the matter.

 

Re: No advice necessary

Again, that might be me being cynical. Maybe he is sincere this time ... it's hard to believe it time and time again though.

Thanks for your thoughts, TBF.

 

Re: No advice necessary

Someone has to help.

Coming from a divorced family, I disagree. Children are most times better off in two-parent homes, right?

Why wouldn't he help?

 

Re: No advice necessary

AnotherName--Your parents created this mess for your family and themselves...they have to fix it, not you, and it sounds like there's no easy fix. Rosie gave you the best advice: Look after your brother, be his best friend, remind him every day that you care. Your grandma and Laura can do the same.

Then you take care of yourself...surround yourself with friends and family who care about you....especially people who don't know or care about your parents...people who care about YOU.

Hang in there.

 

Re: No advice necessary

Sorry, one more thing--when your mom is in the hospital, see if you can grab her doctor for a minute and mention her comments about suicide. Maybe he or she can get her some help with that.

 

Re: No advice necessary

She had been seeing a counselor for a while, which I think was for the suicidal thoughts. Then stopped, now she's back, I think. Pretty sure she's been taking "happy pills" for a while now.

Called my brother last night ... not too talkative, but that's the norm. He's got a birthday coming in about two weeks. Kid doesn't know what he wants for his b-day. What soon-to-be 12 year old doesn't know what he wants for his birthday?

 

Re: No advice necessary

UPDATE:

Mom moved away from my dad. She and my brother moved in with her sister, a single mother of four. That was a couple weeks ago. Mom says she's realizing my dad drove her away from her family. That said, she's finding reasons to make contact with him on a far-too-regular basis.

Then last night I get a call from my mom saying she's been admitted to the psyic ward. Called my brother to see how he's holding up, but I got no answer.

The hits just keep on coming.

 

Re: No advice necessary

Ultimately, it takes two to tango when it comes to saving a marriage. If it is to be saved.

And the two who tango have to be the married couple. Children, friends or relatives can't save someone else's marriage or decide if it's worth saving.

Be there for your brother. Support him. See him through it. But you can't be responsible for your mother or your father. They have to be responsible for themselves and to themselves and each other, plus the rest of their family.

I can't speak to your feelings about not being in contact with either or both parents. I don't have a relationship with my mother and I'm not planning to have one any time soon. If you want a relationship with your parents, you have to support them, but I doubt you can "strongly advise" them on anything. If your parents are anything like my father, they'll resent anything that even hints at your telling them what to do. Most parents would.

I wish there were a way to move your brother out of that situation and into one where he can thrive. I don't think he can there.

 

Re: No advice necessary

Your mom telling you about her suicidal thoughts is called emotional blackmail. She's trying to keep you close by making you feel sorry for her and to shift some of her torment onto you.

Been dealing with it for the 12 years since my dad died.

All I can tell you, AN, is that you have to take care of you and your brother first. Your parents are writing their own story and there's not much you can do to change it. Make sure you be strong and write your own story. Yes, they are a part of it but they don't have to be the central characters.

Hope that makes sense.

 

Re: No advice necessary

Wish I could be more helpful other than to say this and echo 21's thoughts: Take care of YOU. Keep your chin up, if you can.

 

Re: No advice necessary

afn, I'm sorry you have been put in such a tough situation. I'm glad you can at least find a sounding board here. This place can get pretty ugly sometimes, but it can also be a wonderful place.

Your mother definitely has put you in a very difficult position with her mention of suicidal thoughts. I agree with Flash that it is emotional blackmail, but that doesn't mean she hasn't really thought about it. All you can do is make sure she gets help. That is not something you can fix.

Beyond that, I will just echo what others have told you. Look out for your brother as best you can and take care of yourself. Your parents really have to sort a lot of these problems out for themselves. I know that is a lot easier said than done. They are your parents and no matter how screwed up things get, that won't change. But you can only do so much beyond being as supportive and honest with them as possible.

Best of luck getting through it all.