Newseum tickets: $20

I loved the old place. Used to go there all the time. But it was free. $20 is way steep, even if it is cool, especially in a town with so many great, free museums and historic sites.

 

I hope there's a hallway with a carpet down the middle that a visitor must walk on as fans on both sides of you scream and hurl insults about their kids' chances at college.

Only then will it be complete.

 

Um, you forgot the "Elvis is Alive" museum in Wright City, Mo., which just asks for a small donation

 

I hope, like the Holocaust museum, they give you a booklet with the name of a real journalist and as you pass the exhibits each page tells you about why they wanted to get into journalism, they were excited by movies like "All The Presidents Men," they wanted to make "a difference," and the chance to explore the many corners of our common experience.
But then the paper was purchased by a chain and the union was decertified. Your journalist wanted to raise a stink as many of the older employees took early retirements or just left because their job duties were unilaterally changed and besides the raises weren't coming any more. And then, in the Newseum hall of remembrance, you turn to the final page where you learn your journalist, just having closed on his first house, was called into the editor's office and told that the paper is cutting his job.
I'm sure this thing will be a winner. Because as we know, everybody loves to spend .35 cents for a real newspaper. They can't print enough of them.

 

I, personally, am waiting for BLOGEUM!!!!!!!!

Where the cost will be nothing but you'll have a bunch of people running around making shit up and shrugging if you call them out for it. "Hey, they make mistakes at Newseum too," they'll say.

 

But you can only use the "Bud Light Real Men of Genius Announcer Voice" when you speak to him.

 

He covers the local high school basketball team, but he hates your kid.
Mr. Basketball Asshole!

Whenever your kid does well, he misses it because he's off clubbing baby seals behind the school.
Oh no! He's taking out the bat!

All your kid needs is a little publicity to star at Duke, but the reporter wants him to attend community college.
Take shop! Take shop!

He never covers the team on the road, which is where your kid has his best games. Who cares about a two-inch brief?
Two inches! The size of his cock!

That's right: He's ruining your son's life, killing the newspaper business and glorifying the little shit down the street all at once. Here's to you, Mr. Basketball Asshole. I bet you never even played the game.
Mr. Basketball Asshole!!!!

 

The BLOGEUM just tells you about stuff at the Newseum.

 

You know, I wrote that exact sentence first, then figured it'd be more fun just to mock The Big Lead.

 

You can never go wrong mocking The Big Lead.

 

The guidebooks will be really short, and for every picture of a writer there will be a picture of a circulation worker or pressman. And, sign outside will have ads stripped across the bottom.