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New to sports writing looking for a little feedback

Discussion in 'Writers' Workshop' started by Blackburnr, Dec 2, 2015.

  1. Blackburnr

    Blackburnr New Member

    I've always been into sports journalism, so I got a unpaid internship this semester. They give good feedback but I would like information and feedback from people who don't know me and will be honest. Thanks for any help and feedback. Here is a Florida State - Florida game preview they had me work on.

    Florida State, ranked 13th in the country, meets 12th ranked Florida for the 60th time this Saturday at Ben Hill Griffin Stadium in Gainesville.

    The Gators (10-1, 7-1) their sole loss came from LSU 35-28. The Seminoles (9-2, 6-2) pair of losses comes at the hands of Georgia Tech (22-16) and No. 1 Clemson (23-13). The Seminoles look to win their third consecutive matchup in the Swamp.Points will be hard to come by as Florida head coach Jim McElwain boasts the 6th best defense in the country, allowing just 14.5 points per game. Antonio Morrison leads the Florida defense with 84 total tackles. Junior Vernon Hargreaves makes it hard for any quarterback to throw the ball with 10 career interceptions, four this season alone.

    “Defensively, they’re outstanding,” Florida State head coach Jimbo Fisher said. “There’re one of the top units in the country. They’re strong against the run, strong against the pass. There’s not a weakness on their defense.”

    The Seminoles come into Saturday with the 20th best defense in the nation, allowing 333.6 yards per game and only 17 points per contest. Senior linebacker Reggie Northrup leads the team with 78 tackles. Junior cornerback Jalen Ramsey has also been a playmaker for FSU with 23 career pass breakups and three interceptions since coming to Florida State in 2013.

    FSU has leaned heavily on the run game this season via running back Dalvin Cook, and may find difficulty on Saturday with UF only allowing 108 rushing yards per game. Cook leads all running backs with at least 100 attempts with eight yards per carry and is third with 147 yards per game. The sophomore enters the game with 1,475 rushing yards on the season and 16 touchdowns.

    Florida’s first priority will be controlling Cook and the run game, as well as trying to force inexperienced quarterback Sean Maguire to throw the ball on Hargreaves and sophomore defensive back Jalen Tabor, who also has four interceptions on the season.

    Florida and Florida State will both feature quarterbacks that lack experience. Florida will start sophomore Treon Harris. Harris lost the starting job early on to Will Grier, who was suspended for the remainder of the season. Harris bounced back strongly after losing his job, racking up 1,019 yards, nine touchdowns, and four interceptions.

    “[Harris] is athletic, a winner, throws the deep ball extremely well, ball spins out of his hand very well,” Fisher said. “Tough guy, competitor, a winner, all of those things.”

    Maguire will start for Florida State after taking the job from senior Everett Golson earlier in the year. Maguire has thrown for 968 yards, completing 65% of his passes, with eight touchdowns and two interceptions.

    Florida opened as a two-point favorite in the game. Standout freshmen receiver Antonio Callaway has 27 catches for 541 yards this season with four touchdowns. The Gators also have a strong back to hand the ball off to in junior Kelvin Taylor, who is coming off a 105-yard game with one touchdown against Florida Atlantic.

    Florida State and Florida will meet up once again for the Sunshine Showdown on November 28th at 7:30 P.M. The game will air on ESPN.
  2. LeafsLedger

    LeafsLedger New Member

    I like the 5W's you covered roght away in the forst paragraph.
    Use of quotes and stats also good.
    The only thing i noticed is that there is no personality from you.
    Just stats and quotes.
    People want your opinion aswell as the info.
    They want to feel a connection to the writer

    Blackburnr likes this.
  3. Blackburnr

    Blackburnr New Member

    Thank you for the reply. I will work on the personality thing in my writing. Being an FSU fan, my main focus was keeping it as unbiased as possible haha
  4. terry971

    terry971 New Member

    This is not a sports story as much as it is a press release. Write about the rivalry. A personality or something we care about. Work on your creativity. Think outside the box. Good luck in your career
    Blackburnr likes this.
  5. Blackburnr

    Blackburnr New Member

    Thanks for the reply. The site I write for wants it as short as possible (300-400 words) so I felt like I had to skip a lot of that and try it make it as short and compact of a preview as I could
  6. justgladtobehere

    justgladtobehere Well-Known Member

    The first sentence of the 2nd paragraph seems off. Is it missing a comma? Shouldn't it have the same structure as the next sentence?
    Blackburnr likes this.
  7. Blackburnr

    Blackburnr New Member

    You're right, it should say were handed or something along those lines. Sorry I missed that and it got missed by the editor too. I will make the correction thanks
  8. BDC99

    BDC99 Well-Known Member

    Yeah, lots of good info, but the story is pretty dry. If that's what your place wants, fine. But it isn't that interesting. Need some sort of peg. Like something more creative on Heisman candidate Cook going against Florida's tough defense.
    Blackburnr likes this.
  9. Blackburnr

    Blackburnr New Member

    Thank you for your reply. I'm glad to hear y'all want more personality it would make writing the story that much more enjoyable and personal
    BDC99 likes this.
  10. BDC99

    BDC99 Well-Known Member

    And if that's an edited version of your story, you could use a better editor. Nothing terribly wrong with it, but a lot of little style-type things and unnecessary words. Keep posting on this forum if you want and we'll try to help if we can.
    Blackburnr likes this.
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