Need a little feedback

Anyone care to comment on a paper for a class, rather than a story?

EDIT: Guess I should've prefaced this. It was one of very few topics from which we could choose -- and we couldn't research the topic.

By tbf

Removing Greeks from the UM campus

The young man lay unconscious in a puddle of his own blood, fighting for his life. His face was severely lacerated, teeth missing, jaw broken, skull fractured. No one knew what happened that night a handful of years ago. No one was talking, that is. This is the story of a young man whose identity will be withheld for his protection. Forced to drink dangerously high levels of alcohol at a fraternity party, he suffered from what appeared to be a savage beating. He obviously could not recall what happened, and the fraternity to which he was pledging was tight-knit and tight-lipped.

Events like this and others have made the Greek system at the University of Mississippi, and many others across the nation, intolerable and deplorable to many students and faculty alike. Therefore, the University of Mississippi should remove the Greek organizations from campus. Removing the Greeks from the campus would shed a better light on the university and its community, clean up the institution’s tarnished social image, reduce separatism, elitism and social exclusion, help many students focus on academics, rather than a perceived social status, and provide a safer environment for the entire student population.

The Greek life may seem great for those who feel they are lucky enough to be involved with the system, but the Greek social climate is one that not only encourages and promotes social elitism, exclusiveness, and separatism, but mandates it. Through a never-ending series of social mixers and exclusive parties, those who think they’re becoming well-rounded students while at college alienate themselves from the majority of the Ole Miss student community. The old adage that Greeks “pay for” their friends seems to stack up pretty well on the UM campus, where members of fraternities and sororities seem to believe they are the cream of the crop and above reproach. A perfect example of the type of environment promoted by the Greek system is the Jim Jones Party, hosted annually by the Phi Kappa Tau fraternity. If the name Jim Jones sounds familiar, it’s because it should; Jones was the leader of a religious cult in Jonestown, South Africa, who forced his congregation of nearly 1,000 to drink poisonous fruit-flavored drinks before investigators arrived at his compound. For the Jim Jones Party, fraternity members select a “Jim Jones,” who is forced to drink fruit-flavored drinks the entire weekend. The popular drink, “Hunch Punch” is also jokingly served. Having fun at the expense of such a serious topic is unacceptable and should not be tolerated at any institution, especially a state-funded university. It’s this type of attitude that, if removed, would foster a better social climate at Ole Miss, one through which everyone, not just the elite, is accepted.

The opening vignette is not the only violent event to recently be linked with Greeks at Ole Miss. Just this spring, a man was beaten nearly to death with a pipe, hospitalized and almost kidnapped by a group of fraternity members who had earlier in the evening been in a fight with the victim. The Greek system not only at the University of Mississippi, but nationwide, promotes a “pack mentality” that can have violent and sickening consequences. As one fraternity member told me about a year ago, “We’re better than you. And if you challenge us, we’ll show you.”  This story, and the story leading this essay, illustrates the lengths to which members of Greek organizations will go to protect one of their own. When the “brotherhoods” have something to hide, their members have no problem doing so.

Poor academic performance is a hallmark of a large portion of the Greek ranks. Forced to participate in numerous parties, social mixers, rush, “hell week,” formals, and other outings, academic performance is often an afterthought. An example can be found in the University of Mississippi Army ROTC. A sophomore with promising grades and a great attitude, “John” participated in fall rush and pledged to a campus fraternity. Upon his pledge, “John” moved into the fraternity’s campus house, and his performance immediately began to suffer. “John” was almost continually distracted by goings-on in the house, and by the end of the year the 3.0 grade-point-average for which he’d worked so hard had plummeted a 2.1, just a tenth higher than the GPA required to remain a member of the ROTC program. “John” isn’t the only student on the list of poor academic performers who are members of the Greek system. In fact, “John” probably isn’t the worst on the list, either. But until Greek organizations are removed from campus, students like “John” will continue to be distracted, suffer academically, and eventually suffer as a member of society.

 

Greek organizations across campus are quick to point out that they are philanthropists. Events like the Charity Bowl, an annual football game between fraternities, raise thousands of dollars that are donated to area charities and individuals. But even though thousands of dollars were raised across campus last year, that amount is hardly enough to cover the healthcare costs related to the two violent incidents cited above. The organizations brag about leading a toy drive for under-privileged children, but sweep under the rug the academic performance of their own, who will be served far better by a solid education than will an under-privileged child by a plastic toy.

Proponents of the Greek system will also defend the valuable networks and life-long connections developed through its social climate. Some may agree, but the very shaky foundations on which those networks and connections were built can only lead to elitism, social exclusion, and separatism at the next level. The friendships cultivated in sororities or fraternities are, without a doubt, some of the best lifelong friendships one can develop. That friendship, however, is based on an elitist foundation, one that only builds, supports, and promotes the same values when the students reach adulthood.

The Greek system at the University of Mississippi is flawed, to say the least. A black eye of poor academic performance, social exclusion, a rap sheet that includes gang beatings, underage drinking, and many other offenses could be healed if the university leadership removed Greeks from campus. Greek organizations will fight for their rights on campus and point to the functions they claim to serve, but one thing remains clear, Greeks at the University of Mississippi cause more harm than good.

 

Mr Full,

The young man lay unconscious in a puddle of his own blood, fighting for his life. Blood was enough. His face was severely lacerated, teeth missing, jaw broken, skull fractured. Fighting for life here, escalating. I mean, if he's fighting for his life then your next point, lacerations, doesn't seem to matter that much No one knew what happened that night a handful of years ago. No one was talking, that is. Just say, no one was talking about it, leave out no one knew -- obvioulsy someone knew unless in a binge he did it to himself. This is the story of a young man whose identity will be withheld for his protection. Don't say This is the story ... it's obvious that this is a story. Forced to drink dangerously high levels of alcohol at a fraternity party, he suffered from what appeared to be a savage beating. He obviously could not recall what happened, and the fraternity to which he was pledging was tight-knit and tight-lipped. Tighten this, way too long to get to the nut graph of a story this length.

   Events like this and others have made the Greek system at the University of Mississippi, and many others across the nation, intolerable and deplorable   just one or the other to many students and faculty alike. Therefore, the University of Mississippi should remove the Greek organizations from campus. Emphatic but need more -- without delay, without exception, detail how they should go about abolition. INSERT: Transition here, set up, say that it's addition by subtraction, not to eliminate a way of student life but improve life for the student body Removing the Greeks from the campus would shed a better light on the university and its community, clean up the institution’s tarnished social image, reduce separatism, elitism and social exclusion, help many students focus on academics, rather than a perceived social status, and provide a safer environment for the entire student population.

   The Greek life may seem it jsut seems, not may great for those who feel they are lucky enough to be involved with the system, but the Greek social climate is one that not only encourages and promotes one or other social elitism, exclusiveness, and separatism, but mandates it. Through a never-ending series of social mixers and exclusive parties, those who think they’re becoming well-rounded students while at college alienate themselves from the majority of the Ole Miss student community. The old adage that Greeks “pay for” their friends seems to stack up pretty well on the UM campus, where members of fraternities and sororities seem to believe they are the cream of the crop and above reproach. the entitled, plain and simple. PARA BREAK A perfect example of the type of environment promoted by the Greek system is the Jim Jones Party, hosted annually by the Phi Kappa Tau fraternity. If the name Jim Jones sounds familiar, it’s because it should; Jones was the leader of a religious cult in Jonestown, South Africa, who forced his congregation of nearly 1,000 to drink poisonous fruit-flavored drinks before investigators arrived at his compound. For the Jim Jones Party, fraternity members select a “Jim Jones,” who is forced to drink fruit-flavored drinks the entire weekend. The popular drink, “Hunch Punch” is also jokingly served. Having fun at the expense of such a serious topic is unacceptable and should not be tolerated at any institution, one or other especially a state-funded university. It’s this type of attitude that, if removed, would foster a better social climate at Ole Miss, one through which everyone, not just the elite, is accepted.

You've thought your stuff out -- just make it faster and quicker.

YHS, etc

 

Jonestown was in Guyana, in South America, not South Africa.

 

I know friend of the friendless is King of the Workshop, but after reading The Elements of Style, I think ...improve life for the students. would suffice.