My roommate is a d*ck

Huggy · Sep 24, 2007

writing irish said:

My freshman year roomie was a little Napoleon-complexed douche from Westchester County. Typical preppie snob. He fucked his horselike girlfriend a few times while I was trying to sleep and I retaliated by pinching out of his bag of weed on occasion. Ah, college memories.

Reminds me of a very bizarre story from that same freshman year. It was a late afternoon on a Saturday and I was exhausted...wanting a nap. Roomie's playing music and drinkin' with his buddies in the room, so I go down to another floor and see if anyone's willing to let me nap in their room. The young lady I was casually dating at the time said sure...in fact, her roommate was napping at the time, so she was planning on spending the afternoon out of the room, anyway.

I climb onto the top bunk, where my friend sleeps. Her roommate is sleeping peacefully on the bottom bunk. She (my friend's roommate) was smoking hot, I might add. Perky brunette, kind of a New England farm girl type. So I'm drifting off to sleep...it's so nice and quiet and dark...drifting...

I'm on the threshold of nod when I hear a little rustling below. I don't think anything of it, but then amid the rustling, I hear an unmistakable, squishy kind of sound. Oh dear God.

My heart starts to pound at twice its normal rate. Could it be true? Yup. The hot roommate begins to masturbate...languidly at first, then vigorously. Meanwhile, I'm frozen on the top bunk. Absolutely still, in a strange state of excitement and terror. I have a boner that feels like it's about to sprout eagle's wings and fly off my groin, but I dare not reveal my presence. It's a serious effort to control my breathing. I'm in exalted condition of simultaneous pleasure and torture. Meanwhile, down below, she's working off a good one. We're not talking about a little idle button-rubbing. We're talking two hands, sopping wet, bucking on the bed, vocalizations, the works.

Finally, she reaches what is obviously a climax. Fortunately I was 17 years old and in good health, otherwise I would have surely had a cerebral aneurysm as I fought to remain silent and still as a mere few feet away, she's twitching in the aftershocks of what sounded like a first-rate session. A short eternity of minutes pass. I remain frozen. Finally, when I'm sure she's fallen back asleep, I creep off the bunk like a cat-burglar and slip out the door.

I can't remember a whole lot about my classes from that semester, but that Saturday has been etched into my brain. Damn.
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A Penthouse Forum letter if I've ever read one.

Clever username · Sep 24, 2007

Without saying a word, you should have just swung your pantless legs over the side of the bunk.

writing irish · Sep 24, 2007

Clever username said:

Without saying a word, you should have just swung your pantless legs over the side of the bunk.
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Now that's more the stuff of Penthouse Forum letters.

OnTheRiver · Sep 24, 2007

Seriously. You should've plowed that New England farm girl's field, if you know what I mean...

BYH · Sep 24, 2007

Most. Outstanding. Thread. Ever.

PhilaYank36 · Sep 24, 2007

Ashy Larry said:

PhilaYank36 said:

My freshman year, one of my two roommates must have been with three dozen different women, I shit you not. The worst of it was when he brought one back and had sex with her in the room while I was sleeping...

On the top bunk.
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PhilaYank....how ya been? It's me, your roommate from college......sorry about waking you up all those nights.
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I'm just fine. How are the twins? Say, how did you get paroled so quick, anyway?

Flying Headbutt · Sep 24, 2007

The last year I lived in that apartment another guy who also lived in that apartment with me had a blowup doll in his closet. The kid was really weird all around, but the fact that it was just sitting there for his roommate and that guy's smoking hot girlfriend to see was really reckless. And I promise you by then I had my own bedroom so it wasn't me.

BYH · Sep 24, 2007

Flying Headbutt said:

The last year I lived in that apartment another guy who also lived in that apartment with me had a blowup doll in his closet.
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You roomed with Hokie?

qtlaw · Sep 24, 2007

Freshman year, pretty nice guy is my roomie. Parents buy me a dorm fridge and I store some bubbly in there for a little romance. (Whatever you can imagine as romance when you're 18) Get back Friday night and dude is humping some skank which is bad enough but floor is sticky from him heisting my bubbly and spilling it all over the floor. D*ckhead. Go sleep in the floor lounge and put in for a new roomie (moved within a month).

forever_town · Sep 24, 2007

Ever since I spent one and a half years with a former classmate and his fraternity brother, it's soured me on the whole idea of roommates.

I'd rather eat lima beans than live with a roommate again. And lima beans are THE single food I hate more than anything else in this world.

RedSmithClone · Sep 24, 2007

Flying Headbutt said:

The funniest roommate story I ever had involved two guys who shared a room in an on-campus apartment I had in college. These two guys were randomly put in together and MTV couldn't have done a better job for a reality show. On one hand you have the stereotypical engineering major, down to the 1/2" thick glasses (and if I'm exagerating it's really not be much at all) who got up early and went to bed early, studied his ass off, was an orthodox Jew, and had social skills below the level of inept. Good guy, don't get me wrong, but still, not someone you wanted paired up with who he was.

He shared a room for a semester with a Jersey shore kid who used to sing in a rock band, who was a dead head and phish head who has tried tons of different drugs, and brought back different girls to bang every chance he got. Sometimes, it would happen while the engineering major was in the room trying to sleep. In the years since this guy has given up drinking, but in college, whooooo boy.
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You gave up the drugs and booze, but do you still like Phish?

Flying Headbutt · Sep 25, 2007

Trust me, I have noooooooot given up the booze. And I haven't gotten into Phish or become near the music snob he was. I'm still friends with the guy. I just didn't live in that room. Thank goodness, too.

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My roommate is a d*ck

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