my chanukah party....

He does that, I'm converting.

 

Rabbi Eight Seconds, can you help me read my torah portion?

 

Big screen TVs in the sanctuary....

 

A question I hate being asked: "Honey, can you make the homemade applesauce for the latkes at the Hannukah potluck tonight? We have to leave in half an hour ... "

There may be four shots of vodka after the potluck tonight ...

 

Temple Beth Replay.
Rabbi Boom presiding..

 

check the time. it's 9:38. mom just went to the ladies' room. "i'll say goodbye after i go."

my dad just told me, "we've got to go. i've gotta park the car. ... how do you like that? your mother has her coat on already. that's a record."

i'll let you know when they're officially gone, 21.

 

At two synagogues I've been to the rabbi reading the Torah will have the chumash next to the Torah and glance over at it every 5-6 words and then continue with the reading. At the synagogue I'm at now, everyone can read the Torah without cheating like that.

 

10:18 p.m. now, 21. parents of shockey unofficially leaving.
"c'mon, marsh." i've gotta park!" 9:40.

"okay, just let me run upstairs to say goodbye to the kids."

"c'mon, marsh. i've gotta park! it's saturday night! you know how tough it's gonna be."

"but i'm helping julian with his chanukah present. i'll be right down."

"shockey, tell your mother i'm waiting in the car." 10:03.

"mom, dad's waiting in the car!"

"oh, that's all right. he'll run the heat. it'll be nice and warm when i get in." 10:10.

10:11. her footsteps coming down the spiral staircase.

"so, shockey, have i said goodbye to everyone?"

everyone: "YES!!"

mom: "so where's your father? in the bathroom?"

everyone: "he's waiting in the car!"

no lie. whew!

 

I live in a very Jewish neighborhood. In fact, I might be the only Gentile.

Whenever I have to run to the bank or a bodega, the young-orthodox-Rabbis-in-training will stop me on the street and say, "Good morning, are you Jewish?" After I say no, their faces fall and they mumble, "Have a nice day."

And I have to admit, I'm hurt. Why not try to convert me? I'm not good enough to be converted? I probably wouldn't convert--I dig bacon cheeseburgers and sweet Italian sausage sandwiches with gravy too much--but at least make the effort! Is it that the young-orthodox-Rabbis-in-training want people who are serious about their religious life? Because they should want me! I'm not at all serious with my Catholicism!

Ladies and Gents, my life. One big running Seinfeld episode.

 

Good enough to work at the Plain-Dealer is one thing.

Good enough to be a Jew, well, something else again. ;D

 

Like my man Ace, I am good enough to work at the Plain-Dealer. I'm hoping that one day the young-orthodox-Rabbis-in-training will attempt to convert me. Because effort is the key to success.