Most Insufferable Holiday Hit.

Having worked at two different department stores during the holidays, I absolutely abhor just about all Christmas songs. Trying having those things pounded into your head on a loop all day, every day for six straight weeks.

The worst of the worst to me, though, was "Jingle Bell Rock". Giddy up, jingle horse? What the fuck is a jingle horse. I've got your jingle horse right here.

 

Are you Santa Claus?

 

I'm quoting the quote of a quote because I can't bear to type the name of this song. Rage feels me every time I hear it. Ack.

 

Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad
Prospero año y Felicidad

I want to wish you a Merry Christmas
I want to wish you a Merry Christmas
I want to wish you a Merry Christmas
From the bottom of my heart

 

I can tolerate the original Feliz Navidad, but when that bitch Celine Dion (who oversings everything) got a version, I wanted to cut my wrists with a rusty blade.

 

Buck posted the whole song.

That's it. Just the same shitty words, over and over.

It's the audio equivalent of someone pissing on you.

 

Drip. Drip. Drip.

 

"The Christmas Shoes" is absolutely horrid. It's the "Butterfly Kisses" of holiday music. When I hear these songs, I want to open my veins and douse the open wounds with rubbing alcohol.

But the worst holiday song ever is a song called "Dear. Mr. Jesus." It's a song about child abuse, and some idiot thought it would be appropriate to play it during the holidays. Fortunately, I haven't heard this song in some 15 years, but I will always fear that it's the next song in the rotation of holiday tunes.

For some reason, I found a link to this song. If you haven't heard it before, consider this your warning. Don't click on this link (requires Real Player).

 

If you guys don't have anything nice to say, just don't say anything at all.

It's Christmas, dudes. Try a little holiday cheer. It won't leave a scar. I promise.

If you make an effort, you, too, can be simply having a wonderful Christmas Time.

But if that damned McCartney song comes on the radio, shoot yourself in the face. It's called pain displacement. But you may have to shoot yourself twice, because that song makes me want to gouge out my eyes.

In any case,

Merry Christmas

 

I like almost all of these songs. Sorry.

 

Where is the hate for Dan Fogelberg?

 

I want that kid singing about the wanting a hippo to DIE. That's the song I woke up to today. DIE! DIE! DIE!

And I heard Little St. Nick last night. Also horrid.