Man card burning party, my house tonight!

Did you rent "Dumb and Dumber" AND "Dumb and Dumberer."
To not do so would be the dumb and dumberest misstep.
Women love those movies just as much as guys do. Really. Trust me.

 

Holy crap, that's good stuff.

Nothing says I Love You like a three-day load drawn into the shape of a heart on your girl's stomach -- or back.

 

Sounds like you have a good plan going, Jay.

Do you have enough liquor to get her good and drunk?

 

Or draw a moustache and goatee on her grille.

I'd say rent "Slap Shot" and "Slap Shot 2," serve cheap beer with cheez puffs for dinner (the cheap kind that leave orange shit on your fingers for days) and have the CD player full of AC/DC and Triumph. Microwave waffles for breakfast. Suggested daytime activities: Dungeons and Dragons, video games, a trip to the porno store.

 

or ass.

 

Dungeons & Dragons or Magic: The Gathering are pretty much guaranteed tickets to nookietown.

 

Three days?! We're trying to help the guy. That's just not realistic.

 

Good. I'm glad there's some solid advice on this thread, although keeping a towel nearby for her face was certainly a nice, practical tip.

Your goal should be a place that's clean and doesn't smell. Anything beyond lighting up a vanilla-scented candle to mask the odor and chiseling the hardened marinara sauce from the inside of your microwave is probably a bit much. If you don't have a candle, just grab the pine tree air freshener from your rear-view mirror.

It's cliche but bears repeating: Act like you've been in the end zone before. Don't start gushing about you undying love and planning a life together just because you manage to get laid. And for God's sake wait until she leaves before you call your best friend to brag about it.

 

I would definitely scour the neighborhood for Ashton Kutcher and a camera crew. You are so going to get punked.

Seriously, don't forget your car. If you go to all this trouble on your abode and your car has loads of trash in the floorboard, not only will she not let you near her, she'll probably tell all her friends. Then, you're at risk of matching mikey's drought.

One final thought: Hit the logout button on SportsJournalists.com, then turn off the computer, unplug it, and remove the battery. No way do you want her knowing you solicited date advice from a bunch of loser sportswriters.

 

Bastard. I was hoping he'd keep the live camera on.

 

Too bad we don't know where Jay lives.

We could all drop in on Saturday night around 10:00

 

Dude, is it at the planetarium? Can you score some weed, acid, shrooms or all three? You should totally go. Unless there's a party at the moontower that night.

Chicks dig high-quality TP. So don't steal an extra roll from the john at work, go buy some expensive Cottonelle or whichever one uses the cartoon bears shitting in the woods in the commercials.