Little Man has a sister ... and I'm not sure how to feel

Park your keister, meester!

 

If the receiving family doesn't have a car, it is probably safe to say the toy budget isn't flush. I'm sure they'll be grateful.

 

I just re-read your original post... Is the father of the new baby in the picture?

 

http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Boundaries/Henry-Cloud/e/9780310247456


Alley, I'm not sure what advice to give, other than this book. I read it a while back, and it really helped me define parameters with my parents and in-laws.

 

He's in the picture but lack of a vehicle between the two tells you pretty much what you need to know about their current fiscal situation.

My main responsibility, of course, is to Little Man. But for the sake of a good relationship with my ex, ensuring Little Man knows his mom and new sister and more are driving me hard on this one. Besides, I'm too nice a guy to normally just give the finger to someone, especially someone to whom I was married and still care about as a person.

There is a real fear, however, that somehow, someway, I'll be dragged into the Jerry Springer-ish nightmare of her life and that of the father, while trying to ensure Little Man's involvement in everyone's lives.

 

How does the custody of your son work? When he's with his mom, he can be with his sister. When he's with you (which seems like most of the time?) he can draw her pictures or find books to bring her when he's at his mom's next time. If you start making plans to all be together, it's going to get weird, fast.

That she had to ask her ex for a ride home with the new baby is one of the saddest things I've ever heard.

 

The custody is me as the primary and her with standard visitation...but because of her pregnancy, lack of vehicle, etc., she's been unable to uphold her part of the custody. So she's settled for a couple of hours here or there, at my house, while I make myself scarce in another part of the house.

It's an amicable situation, to be sure, but the awkwardness is pretty heavy for me, as I'm sure it is for her, as well.

Man, the more I relate the story, the more I wonder if a) I'm sharing too much and b) I'm already living a daytime talkshow guest's life.

 

You're a good dad for always putting your son first. Given the situation, he's probably not going to have regular contact with his sister, and maybe after the novelty of newness wears off, he may not even notice or care. If he's learning to adapt to irregular contact with his mom, he can handle the same (or less) with the baby.

See how it goes and how he expresses interest. He'll probably be the best indicator of what you should do.

 

I'm a child of divorce, so if I write anything that's unintentionally harsh, try to take it with that in mind.

I don't know everything that transpired between you and your ex. It isn't any of my concern anyway. But no matter how much animosity you have toward your ex, you MUST not allow Little Man to be caught in the middle. Even if you literally have to grit your teeth, disparaging his mother is among the most shameful things you can possibly do. If you hate her, that's one thing. But she's still Little Man's mother. Keep your feelings about her to yourself when you're around him.

I don't think I'd be willing to drive her home in your position. But resist any urge to bash her in front of Little Man. That will put him in a terrible position.

My father has nothing but animosity for my mother. They divorced just before I turned 14. Back when I still had a relationship with her, Dad would bash my mother. I literally told him a couple of times, "I don't want to hear it." I would have said the same thing to my mother if she had bashed my father.

Even though he hates her guts now, he's still been trying to get me to mend fences with her. However, that's MY issue with my mother.

 

I can say with absolutely certainty that I have NEVER said a negative word about his mother to him or where he could hear. Indeed, any frustration I feel is centered almost exclusively over her unreliability in seeing Little Man.

I'm going to bend over backward if I have to in making sure he sees his mother and his new sister. But I have a real fear of being asked to do more for her and her new baby, with Little Man being used as the so-called bargaining chip.

Obviously without the entire backstory, it's impossible for anyone here to be able to provide real advice, although I appreciate everything you guys have said.

I guess I just needed to vent and get a new perspective.

 

Alley,

If I may ask, and I know this is a weird question. But I'm betting it's already been run through your brain.

In ten years, do you kinda/sorta expect to be this little girl's de facto dad? As in, the husband your ex-wife is with now is out of the picture?

 

Has she remarried, or is he just a babydaddy?