Klosterman was right -- Lloyd Dobler did ruin it for everyone

TheSportsPredictor · Dec 17, 2008

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According to relationship experts at Heriot Watt University in Edinburgh, romantic comedies give people unrealistic ideas about love and sex, and cause them to "fail to communicate with their partner."
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From Klosterman's "Sex, Drugs & Cocoa Puffs"

It's no one's fault, really. Or maybe it'severyone's fault. It should be everyone's fault, because it's everyone's problem. Well, okay...not everyone. Not boring people, and not the profoundly retarded. But whenever I meet dynamic, nonretarded Americans, I notice that they all seem to share a single unifying characteristic: the inability to experience the kind of mind-blowing, transcendent romantic relationship they perceive to be a normal part of living. And someone needs to take the fall for this. So instead of blaming no one for this (which is kind of cowardly) or blaming everyone (which is kind of meaningless), I'm going to blame John Cusack.

I once loved a girl who almost loved me, but not as much as she loved John Cusack. Under certain circumstances, this would have been fine; Cusack is relatively good-looking, he seems like a pretty cool guy (he likes the Clash and the Who, at least), and he undoubtedly has millions of bones in the bank. If Cusack and I were competing for the same woman, I could easily accept losing. However, I don't really feel like John and I were "competing" for the girl I'm referring to, inasmuch as her relationship to Cusack was confined to watching him as a two-dimensional projection, pretending to be characters who don't actually exist. Now, there was a time when I would have thought that detachment would have given me a huge advantage over Johnny C., inasmuch as my relationship with this woman included things like "talking on the phone" and "nuzzling under umbrellas" and "eating pancakes." However, I have come to realize that I perceived this competition completely backward; it was definitely an unfair battle, but not in my favor. It was unfair in Cusack's favor. I never had a chance.

It appears that countless women born between the years of 1965 and 1978 are in love with John Cusack. I cannot fathom how he isn't the number-one box-office star in America, because every straight girl I know would sell her soul to share a milkshake with that motherfucker. For upwardly mobile women in their twenties and thirties, John Cusack is the neo-Elvis. But here's what none of these upwardly mobile women seem to realize: They don't love John Cusack. They love Lloyd Dobler. When they see Mr. Cusack, they are still seeing the optimistic, charmingly loquacious teenager he played in Say Anything, a movie that came out more than a decade ago. That's the guy they think he is; when Cusack played Eddie Thomas in America's Sweethearts or the sensitive hit man in Grosse Pointe Blank, all his female fans knew he was only acting...but they assume when the camera stopped rolling, he went back to his genuine self...which was someone like Lloyd Dobler...which was, in fact, someone who is Lloyd Dobler, and someone who continues to have a storybook romance with Diane Court (or with Ione Skye, depending on how you look at it). And these upwardly mobile women are not alone. We all convince ourselves of things like this—not necessarily about Say Anything, but about any fictionalized portrayals of romance that happen to hit us in the right place, at the right time. This is why I will never be completely satisfied by a woman, and this is why the kind of woman I tend to find attractive will never be satisfied by me. We will both measure our relationship against the prospect of fake love.
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Once again, Klosterman is four years ahead of the curve.

mike311gd · Dec 17, 2008

Klosterman is amazing. I'm going to re-read that book very soon.

pseudo · Dec 17, 2008

Really? I fit that demographic (albeit on the older end), but when I think of John Cusack, I think of "Better Off Dead." Not sure I ever saw "Say Anything."

Songbird · Dec 17, 2008

pseudo said:

Really? I fit that demographic (albeit on the older end), but when I think of John Cusack, I think of "Better Off Dead." Not sure I ever saw "Say Anything."
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Where's my 2 dollars!

mike311gd · Dec 17, 2008

I want my $2.

Everyone, quickly: Top 5 romantic comedies that ruined your relationships.

pseudo · Dec 17, 2008

Yes I am, buckdub ... but I never claimed to be normal, either.

TWO DOLLARS !!!

Songbird · Dec 15, 2014

I had such a crush on the girl.

She also was in "The Last American Virgin," which is a great flick.

$2!

sportschick · Dec 17, 2008

I'm blaming romantic comedies for my past relationship issues from here on out!

Fenian_Bastard · Dec 17, 2008

sportschick said:

I'm blaming romantic comedies for my past relationship issues from here on out!
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You're going to have to kill all the living witnesses to get away with that alibi, toots.

dooley_womack1 · Dec 17, 2008

The unrealism generated by romantic comedies was discussed long before Klosterman. But it's not bad to have an ideal to aim for, as long as you accept that you'll fall at least a little short.

Grimace · Dec 17, 2008

howard cosell voice: Lane Myer. A once great champion. Now. A study in moppishness.

sportschick · Dec 17, 2008

Fenian_Bastard said:

sportschick said:

I'm blaming romantic comedies for my past relationship issues from here on out!
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You're going to have to kill all the living witnesses to get away with that alibi, toots.
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That can be arranged, dammit!

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Klosterman was right -- Lloyd Dobler did ruin it for everyone

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Klosterman was right -- Lloyd Dobler did ruin it for everyone

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