Just wondering how not_who_i_usually_am is doing?

The thread in which "not" was dealing with his wife's affair and then divorce ended up getting locked in March after 62 pages because of some needless tomfoolery, but the thought struck me tonight that I'm wondering how "not" is doing.

Not, hope things have turned for good in your life. If you'd care to use that sign-in again and let us know how you're doing, that would be great.

I'm not here a whole lot any more, but if I missed a different thread with an update, if someone could point it out I'd appreciate it.

A search for "not-who_i_usually_am" didn't seem to work for me. but I did find the original thread by searching the word "wifey," as he called her.

 

Thank you for your concern, Tony. It’s weird, but it does mean a lot to me knowing that so many people here care enough about some message board stranger’s plight to ask how I’ve been doing.

Funny you bring this up – I recently logged in under this name for the first time in a long time and had several messages waiting. Also funny is the timing – I’ve kept a journal since all this happened and looked back to see that it was one year ago this week that I moved the last of my stuff out of our house.

As for the updates – I don’t remember if it was mentioned on the original thread, but the divorce was finalized in February. We still have not sold our house, though, and at this point have it listed at several grand below what we paid for it and still aren’t drawing any interest in it. I’m tempted to look into the penalties of simply walking away from it and abandoning it, but I know the ex wouldn’t go for that.

I haven’t spoken to wifey since we had our taxes done in February. I know from various sources that she’s renting a house near the school where she teaches. The guy she cheated with – the one who’s 10 years older than her, had a 10+ year marriage and two small kids – divorced his wife. I assume wifey and this guy are still together, because in my curiosity I checked their school’s website and saw that both are still there for the coming school year, and have not heard otherwise. I can’t imagine they would remain working in such close quarters if they’d had some kind of falling out, given what went on. I think I’ve basically forgiven them and I’m pretty sure that if I ever ran into them in public, I’d probably not acknowledge them, though I might stare the guy down just because I think it’d be fun to scare him a little.

As for me, I’m doing well. Or well enough anyway. I’ve got a job outside journalism, in corporate marketing. It pays much better than I ever would have made in journalism, and has regular hours. I haven’t worked a Friday night or Saturday in nearly a year. And I’m working with cool people, too. Made several friends here, which wasn’t the case at my newspaper, though that was mostly my own fault. This job is far more boring, though – the hours just drag on. I check the clock dozens of times per day. And it’s not fulfilling the way journalism was. I have no pride in my work the way I did a good story or page design.

This job has allowed me to move out of my parents’ house, though I only did that in June. It took a while to pay off bills and save enough to make it possible.

By the end of the year, I’ll have my MA in graphic design. I still attend my church regularly and will be starting in a volunteer program there soon that helps people deal with the difficult periods in life. Mine, go figure, will focus on helping people deal with divorce.

I still work out, play basketball and run. I’ve made more friends over the past year than I’ve ever had in my life, though that’s not saying much because I’ve never had many, and it’s doubly not saying much because even now it’s not many. There are still plenty of weekend nights that I spend with Netflix or my Wii when I’d rather be out doing something, just lack anyone to do something with. It’s the same thing with dating – I’ve been on, no joke, one date in the past year, and that was only about three weeks ago and didn’t lead anywhere. I have no self-confidence at all, especially around women (when I asked that girl out, I stared at my phone for a half hour before I finally called her), and still am battling low self-esteem. I stopped seeing my counselor because my insurance quit paying for it, though I’m sure I still need it at least occasionally.

For the most part, though, I’m happy. Like I said, I’ve got a better paying job, weekends free, more friends than I’ve ever had and I’ve developed a spiritual side. It’s really only when I stop that I get depressed and realize I’m still very lonely. Overall, I’ve improved my life in nearly every way except for the loneliness and no dates. All that being said, though, I’ve got this overall feeling of dissatisfaction with life that I never had when I was happily married. Honestly, staying busy is the only thing that keeps me from going crazy I think.

So, some good, some bad. I guess I’m still a work in progress.

 

Get a profile on match.com now. Seriously. An employeed in-shape male in this day and age is in high demand. Just do not mention anything more than "I am divorced" for a long time.

You are a great guy. You just need to hear a female voice say that to you again.

 

Probably not a bad idea 93. Not, you'll probably get a few dates and even if they don't work out you can get away from NetFlix for the weekend. You never know.

 

Glad to hear some things are working out for you, Not. Be patient about the bad stuff. Just take things one day at a time.

And yeah, join a couple of dating web sites. If nothing else, maybe you'll make some more friends to hang out with.

 

not, in addition to getting you out of the house and possibly making more friends, a dating service will get you more comfortable talking with women before you do meet "the one". For example, you will get asked, "So why are you divorced?". The first time you answer that question, you will almost certainly go home and second-guess how you handled it. There's nothing wrong with improving your dating chops.

 

Go get a hotel room in Bangkok. [/crossthread]

 

It's key. You need to go on some bad dates to get better as a "dater".

It's like interviewing for a job you're not really interested in because you want to improve your interview skills.

And you never know, someone might surprise you.

93 is right. If you create a Match profile, you'll be able to line up several dates most likely.

 

good luck, _not.

Can't you start calling her exey, though?

 

Regarding the dating sites, some people scoff at the idea, but I've seen firsthand two of my close friends meet their future spouses through them. In this day and age, it really is a great way to meet someone with the same interests.

Good luck Not!

 

Sounds like you're in a nice place, not. A work in progress can be a really good thing. I have my fingers crossed for you that the progress will continue.

 

Maybe you should tour America...