Joel Osteen victim of elaborate internet hoax

I'd like to start today's sermon with a funny story.

I heard about this fellow who got on a bus full of nuns. He looked around and wouldn't you know it, one of the nuns was strikingly beautiful. She looked like Victoria, before the plastic surgery you've all paid for.

In any case, this fellow went up to the nun and said, "I want to have sex with you."

Now the nun, as you can imagine, was none too pleased. "I am a woman of the lord," she replied, "and I will never have sex with you."

The fellow was really depressed, but as he was getting off the bus, the bus driver told him that the nun goes to church to pray every night at midnight, and all he had to do was put on a god mask and tell her that god wanted her to have sex with him.

At exactly midnight, the man spotted that nun going into the church, he put on his mask, and said, "I am god. Fuck me."

The nun replied, only in the ass. The man agreed and they went at it for hours.

When they were done, the man took off his mask and shouted, "Ha! I'm the guy from the bus that you said you'd never have sex with."

And at that moment, the nun took off her mask, too, and said, "Ha! I'm the bus driver!"

Friends, I tell you this story, because we are all guilty of wearing masks. Especially Catholics and Gays. God loves them, too, but that's only because he can see through their ugly masks.

So I want you to lift your bible and repeat after me. This is my bible. I am what it says I am. I have what it says I have. I can do what it says I can do. Today, I will be taught the word of God. But God will only love me if I leave a minimum of $50 in the collection plate that will be passed around at the conclusion of the inspirational sermon. Amen."

 

Ace Osteen.

Not good enough for the Plain Dealer. But good enough to rewrite The Little Engine That Could with random bible verses thrown in.

 

My friends, when a message board has beaten you down and you feel guilty for your failures and mistakes, my message is simple. Embrace the positive. Do better. Try harder. Don't be passive aggressive. Don't type that post that demonstrates the obsessions you harbor over a message board, or certain people on it. And don't attempt to goad Moddy god into locking threads, when nobody else is having that thought. In other words, you can change! Moddy God will help you, of course, but you have to make it happen.

Victoria and I would like to thank you for watching this morning. Don't forget to get born again with my simple affirmation at the end of the broadcast and donate via Visa, Mastercard or American Express to make your salvation official in Jesus's eyes.