Internal writing conflict... UPDATED!

I think Mrs. Shackleford's concerns are well addressed by FotF. Your lede is now 100 times better, but it's a little too long. That's why Mrs. S. feels that we're arriving late at the crux of the story.

Tighten this lede, and smoothly transition more quickly into the opening scene. I'd also suggest you drop some modifiers from the first sentence of the scene to give it more power, i.e.,

At the bottom of the stairs, down a long, musty hall reeking of evaporated sweat, Caleb Prettyman lays on a black weight-lifting bench. He grips the coarse steel bar inches above his eyes and, with a brief, guttural grunt, lifts heaves the heavy bar from its stand and into the air.

Make the sentence like the act itself. Brief. Simple. Powerful.

 

Mrs. Shackleford says the weight lifting scene sounds too much like a second lead. She says it makes the story too fragmented the way it's worded and where it's positioned within the story.

Do you think that's the case, and do you have any suggestions for fixing that if it is?

Here's a tweaked version of the lede, based on your suggestions. I've not made it much shorter, though. I don't see how to do that without losing some of the effect of the sermon-life-son connection.

______________________________________


BRIGHTON – The father’s sermon is reaching a crescendo now.

“Have you ever been to the place where it hits you so fast and so hard, it’s like all of the sudden you can’t even remember how to pray?” he says from the front of Jersey Methodist Church.

His voice is rising and falling like the tides, seemingly several octaves higher than normal. One moment it’s difficult to hear it’s so quiet, the next it’s almost frighteningly loud.

“(The devil) kept coming at me and saying, ‘What are you going to do now? Where’s all your fancy preaching now?’ And I started to agree with him. … He was destroying me.”

It may sound all fire-and-brimstone, the type of repent now or take a first-class ticket straight to the bottom of hell kind of sermon popular during John Milton’s time.

But viewing it that way would be missing the point entirely. It’s a sermon about life, about giving thanks. The crux of the story begins with the moment of the son’s birth. And then his death. And then his miraculous re-birth.

But unlike every other sermon that begins in that exact way, that features those exact topics, this one has a personal twist to it.

It begins with a baby boy that was never supposed to be, born to a mother who was never supposed to walk and to a minister father who nearly had to bury them both.

It is, as so many sermons are, a story of giving thanks for the son – more than just the one you’re thinking of.

N N N
At the bottom of the stairs, down a musty hall reeking of sweat, Caleb Prettyman lays on a weight-lifting bench. He grips the coarse steel bar and with a grunt, heaves it from its stand into the air.

Down to his chest and back up he lifts the bar, then quickly, in one fluid motion, returns it to its rack.

 

A little tighter, still. And check the fix below for the transition. Always link one idea to the next. Mazel tov.

 

That's good. I like that.

My last question, and I'll leave you all alone to enjoy your Sunday:

Is the story too fragmented? Part of the reason I was so concerned about this to begin with was that I've not had to write a story with so many layers before (miraculous birth concept, his birth story, the sermon, the weight lifting, etc). I was unsure how to attack it to get across the significance of those parts.

But I'm afraid in doing so, the story as a whole is too fragmented -- there's too many different things going on at the same time.

Thoughts?

(Thanks again for your help jgmacg and friend of friendless).

 

Mr Shackleford,

Life's fragmented. With the story, I think you'll get people in with the first fragment. Don't sweat it.

Maybe you could get a description of him looking at the bar, transfixed like the flock was at his father's sermon. Maybe something about belief (in his ability, in higher power, maybe) and strength.

YHS, etc

 

Don't worry about the fragments. Spend your time on the transitions between them. You can lead a reader anywhere if you make the logic of each transition inarguable - as we did in the 'son' example above.


And every great story - every one - has more than one thing happening in it at any given moment.

 

This story really intrigued me b/c I'm guessing I'm the only person on this board who has undergone an emergency C section.... it's a train wreck of a way to bring a baby into this world..scary does not begin to describe it.

You have so many great details. if your story hasn't run yet, suggest you could re-arrange a bit the details of this section -- the major turning point of this narrative -- for more punch.

something like:

1. On the verge of the long awaited birth, Mom nearly died. As they await the baby she's relying on ticker tape verses that calm her. somehow she believes all will work out even though the worst hasn't even happened yet.

2. Baby comes out. Blue. Apgar score of 0. Doctor says that's pretty much dead. Helicopter takes kid away. [Might want to shorten sentences to convey speed of events.]

3. Clueless & probably sleepless Dad has to drive to see baby, and wrestles with devil/voice.

4. Dad believes miracle has happened.
5. Miracle has happened.

Then you may want to reconsider your intro -- if you want an understatement or something more descriptive?



2.
And it was. It just wasn’t easy.


One last point -- his name. Caleb Joshua. The parents named him for two scouts in the Old Testament. You might look into that story and see if it inspires an alternate ending for this piece. Which is very fine story as is.

Sincerely,
MH

 

As someone who feels like he is currently in a funk in the writing department, this thread has been an absolute joy to read. I love the process that went on in these 30 posts alone. It has really given me some great ideas I plan on employing in my writing. Hopefully I'll jump out of the funk I'm in.

Just a quick opinion, when I read it, I don't see the story in fragments. I see it in acts, like in a play. I can almost feel the curtain falling and rising with each N N N. But if you are concerned about that, try having some kind of transition that connects adjacent scenes. That might add some more flow and cure some of Mrs. S's concerns.

Otherwise, great job. I really enjoyed reading it.

 

Ms H,

Great suggestions. Our first was an emergency C section, scary stuff indeed.

Mr S, I wonder if when we first refer to the boy wonder in your lede, if there's any way of putting him physically at the sermon, in the front or a back row with his mother, maybe a little physical description that would contrast with the bench press scene.

YHS, etc

 

Well, I had a couple of people at my paper read it today and they both suggested the same thing: I need to get the sports portion of the story moved up further toward the top of the story.

Doing so would, I think, make the story more like the original I posted. But personally, I prefer the story with the edits made since that time.

Also, one of the people suggested that the lead with the sermon was too long -- that I should get through that and get into the rest of the story, or change it completely. Again, I think that would take me back more toward the story as originally written.

Now neither of these people, although both out-rank me at this paper, said I had to make those changes (one even said 'Make these changes if you want -- or not, I don't really care'), so I'm torn about whether I really need to. They both had multiple other suggestions that I plan on taking, but nothing that would require such an overhaul as changing the entire lead.

What do you all think I should do? I'm leaning toward making the smaller changes but leaving the lead alone, because I like this most recent version of the story more than I like the original, which is where I would essentially be taking it with such a change (with the better, more recently done ending instead of the original, of course).

Oh yeah, the story is running in Thursday's paper.

 

Mr Shackleford,

At this point, I'd simply say: Own it. Make your decision, based on what you like. Maybe it's wrong. Maybe we're wrong and they're right or vice versa. But go with your own gut, what you like. Because if you don't you're going to blame them or us. You wrote it. It's yours. Decide. Then report back.

YHS, etc

 

Ditto.