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Indoor football story

Discussion in 'Writers' Workshop' started by forever_town, Jun 24, 2007.

  1. forever_town

    forever_town Well-Known Member

    A couple of notes about this story:
    [*] Stats, including game attendance aren't available yet. I'll have the attendance figures when this actually runs.
    [*] This is for a paper in the Chesapeake Tide's market.
    [*] I haven't plugged the quotes in I have yet.

    Am I on the right track or is this a case of overwriting or underwriting?

    The Steubenville Stampede had problems trying to assemble a team
    to play the Chesapeake Tide in a game that had playoff
    implications for both teams. Several of their players quit during
    the season and only three players who started the season with the
    team suited up for Saturday's game at the Show Place Arena in
    Upper Marlboro. Some of the arena's staff weren't even sure the
    Stampede would show up the day of the game.

    After the Tide's 64-24 victory over the Stampede in front of a
    crowd of , many of the Stampede players might have wished they

    Lost in a season in disarray for the Stampede was the fact that
    Steubenville defeated the Tide 65-55 in the Tide's second game of
    the season. That set up the playoff implications: If the Stampede
    (5-7) defeated Chesapeake, they would advance to the Continental
    Indoor Football League's Atlantic Division playoffs. However, if
    the Tide won, it would be the first-year team advancing to the

    It wasn't the first dilemma facing the second-year league this
    season. The league suspended the operations of the Springfield
    Stallions Friday after the team did not show up for its scheduled
    June 16 game against the Marion Slaughter in Marion, Ohio.
    Stallions general manager Cory Galloway notified a CIFL employee
    on June 14 his team would not travel to Marion for its scheduled
    game, according to the league's Web site. The league arranged for
    an alternate team to play the Slaughter, but that game never
    materialized and Marion was awarded a 6-0 forfeit victory.

    Several Tide staffers complained about the league's slow
    certification of statistics after games, which led some reporters
    to compile their own stats. According to one staffer, the league
    takes two weeks to certify stats and post them on its Web site.

    As for the Tide (7-5), quarterback Grady Baker said revenge was a
    motivator for the team even though the Stampede team that took the
    field hardly resembled a pro team, let alone the team that beat
    the Tide earlier in the season.

    Chesapeake earned the fourth seed in the Atlantic Division after
    Lehigh Valley won its game 55-54 to earn the third seed. The Tide
    will face division champions Rochester Raiders. Rochester played
    in the Great Lakes Bowl last season when the league was known as
    the Great Lakes Indoor Football League, losing to Port Huron in
    the final. The Raiders (10-2) defeated the Tide twice in
    back-to-back games earlier in the season, but the team sounded

    "We don't care," said wide receiver Tavis Laws when asked if he
    had any preference about which team they would face. Lehigh Valley
    (7-5) will travel to Worcester, Mass. to face the New England
    Surge (8-4).

    Attendance figures for Tide home games dwindled each week from a
    high of 3,562 in the team's first-ever game, a 37-30 victory over
    the Surge. However, Tide owner Martin Johnson expressed optimism
    about the fans who attended the games, citing their enthusiasm.
  2. jgmacg

    jgmacg Guest

    FT -

    Thanks for posting your work for us to share.

    I don't think you're underwriting over overwriting here, but I think the piece, especially at the top, is a little confusing. With something like this, where the backstory to the game is very complex - and more important narratively than the game itself - you need to walk the reader into it step by step.

    Thus my only tip would be to lede with a very simple, declarative presentation of the teams and the score. Then begin to circle back to the stories about players jumping ship and playoff implications and attendance being down, etc.

    The knottier the story, the simpler you want your lede to be.

    Thanks again.
  3. Chad Conant

    Chad Conant Member

    jg hit the nail on the head.

    I'd also add that the snake oil salesman who owns the Stampede also owned a team here, then moved it a month before the season.
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