I'm beginning to hate my life

I'm a semi-regular poster on this forum. I created a new handle because my regular handle I believe could be tracked back to me and I don't want that.

I don't know if it's a mid life crisis or depression or a lagging case Holiday Blues, but it's happened. And no, none of this is blue font, none of this is a joke. It's my fucking magnum opus of "Fuck you."

For the last week I can't do anything but think how utterly pointless and meaningless this all is and how shallow this whole country and the whole western world is. Everywhere I turn there's somebody taking a damn picture of themselves and posting it online for attention, someone buying shit they don't need with money they don't have at the store, and fucking bitching, moaning, and complaining their whole damn life that their significant other didn't like their new shoes or their favorite fucking TV show got cancelled. When, at this very moment, thousands of North Koreans are being held up, forced to do hard labor, and tortured. Thousands of innocent civilians are caught in the crossfire in Syria and getting slaughtered like cattle.

But hell, no need to go around the world, plenty of plight here at home. How many woman are getting the shit kicked out them my drunken boyfriends/husbands? How many inner cities are filled with single parents working minimum wage jobs trying to feed their kids and pay their rent and failing miserably? How many starving people are there out in the streets who've lost everything? How many poor bastards are stuck in the hospital with a terminal illness watching their life slip away with no means to pay for their medical coverage? And here I am, powerless to help any of them. I don't have $5 to give to a local charity or a minute of time thanks to my work and carting around family members.

And we've got people who don't know each other pissing over each other on facebook because fucking politicians they like -- politicians who don't give a fuck about them and only care about fattening their wallets, getting popular, and seeing themselves on TV -- are fighting over some concept they can't even begin to comprehend.

All these problems in the world, and I cover high school sports. I have to go out and write about a goddamn game that some 16 year olds are playing. How are those kids ever going to pay off their student debts or repay the accumulated debts of this country? The fucking kids don't even care today. They don't fucking care win or lose. They have a little bit of fun playing but when push comes to shove they'd rather be out drinking, fucking, and have their heads in the phones texting.

I live in a "religious" community of Bible Thumpers. I have no problems with religion or people living by Christian ethics. Except this whole goddamn town if full of hypocrites. They call each other names behind their back and delight at the suffering of others. They like to laugh at someone because they're fat, or their hair color is ugly, or they have a zit on their face, or they have a limp, or they wear cheap clothes, or their goddamn yard isn't manicured right. They're a bunch of ungrateful pricks who can't be thankful for the fact that they have a house and bed and a bath tub. They fucking climb over each to get some attention of fucking facebook by posting some useless fucking sayings so they can get comments and likes and be reaffirmed that they're "liked." They preach about how Christian they are and how they love Jesus and yet they'll backstab each other in business and judge each other in personal life.

I get to go to work every day to nothing but complaints. Nothing but complaints. Why didn't you write a story about Donny Dipshit at Podunk? Why, I did a month ago Mr. SE, didn't you read it? His Daddy called and wants another story, and the reader is always right. Donny Dipshit is averaging 10 points per game, go give him another 1,000 word feature on how awesome he is. Don't mention the drunk driving charge, that's not sports. Or don't mention those sexual assault charges. And take your camera and get three photos. And get a video for the website of interviews. Then get your ass back and lay out the page and post all sports to the site. Then get your ass back by 8 AM tomorrow for the meeting that has nothing to do with you but I'm going to make you go to it anyway. And don't ever expect a please when I ask or a thank you for your work.

And what do I go home to? A wife that fucking nags that there's a napkin on the floor, and even though I haven't been home in 12 hours and it wasn't there when I left in the morning, it's my fault. And two daughters who do nothing but scream, yell, and fight. They haven't had an original thought in their lives and only care whether or not their yoga pants make their butts look cute. I could ask them about any event on the news that has an impact on their lives -- like their school's board thinking of extending the school year, or the new levy proposal that would earn money for a new high school -- and they would look at me like I'm Peter fucking Pan.

Again, this isn't blue font. What the hell do I have to do to get some relief? Take up drinking?

Someone out there, be serious with me -- give me advice or proof that there's a silver lining!

 

See a doctor. This is depression.

 

There isn't a silver lining other than you get to wake up and breathe, and not be in North Korea.

And what Rick said.

 

Smell the roses in your life.
Surely there are a few.

 

Have you thought about perhaps getting involved in politics? Maybe even running for a local office?

It sounds like you care about things bigger than yourself, and you are frustrated that, first, other people don't and, second, you can't do anything about them.

Perhaps it's time to get off the sidelines, you know? Go start stirring some shit up.

 

Stop caring about shit you can't control. Start doing stuff about shit you can.

That's no recipe for curing depression if that's what's happening, because clearly it's not that simple, but if you're just pissed at the world, figure out what you can do to make whatever corner of the world you're in better in whatever piddling little way you can. And stiff-arm the stuff that angers/frustrates you with no hope of resolution. A pruning of the Facebook wall feeds goes a long way on that front.

 

That's about where it starts and ends.

My only other question would be, do you exercise? That has a dramatic effect on mood.

 

It really does. I was 295 just after my 42nd bday on September 9. One of my gifts was a year membership to the gym. I go 6 mornings a week. Only lost 20 or so pounds but I'm not worried about that. The exercise is what helps. I'm 100x more spry than I was 4 months ago.

 

To expand, I didn't take my own advice a few years ago, and I was lucky to come out of things OK. I attacked it pretty aggressively:

a) Exercised daily
b) Improved my diet
c) Made sure I was always getting a good night's sleep
d) Taking St. John's Wort
e) Tried to police my thoughts. I made an effort to focus on positive things (and this took a lot of effort sometimes) and cut out *anything* that I thought might trigger me (TV shows, movies, music, etc.).

After a few months, the worst of it passed and it became manageable. It's still something I work at every day to keep at bay, because I can feel it always lurking and I don't ever want to slip back into feeling that way again, and once you've had a real depression once, you are more susceptible to it again.

 

The serenity prayer comes to mind, not sure if it helps but:

The God part can be changed to Higher Power or omitted, depending on what you believe. I like how the prayer captures knowing your primary boundaries of what you can influence.

 

You should seek the services of a professional counselor.

 

You aren't going to change what's going on in N Korea. Or the women getting the shit kicked out of them. Or the bible thumpers in your neighborhood.

Not even sure you can change work too much. For now, put in your 8-10 hours a day, and put the complainers on autopilot.

The home life you can change. Tell your wife that her nagging is driving you to depression. Life is too short to be nagging you about a god-dammed napkin on the floor. Tell her it is time to find hobbies, that micro-managing your life is no longer on the table. And be consistent. The next time there is a napkin-type incident, tell her again, sternly but calmly, that this type of nitpicking is no longer tolerated. And then the next time, do it again. Make her nagging more work for her than its worth.

At the same time, are you doing crap around the house that causes her to nag? Get your shit together, pick up after yourself, or do whatever else you are supposed to do. Perhaps she has reason to nag. Don't give her a reason to.

As far as the vapid daughters, this is your responsibility. You raised them. If the conversation steers towards their ass in yoga pants, steer it in other directions. Don't nag them that they don't know about the school bond. Ask them questions that make them think. Teens can love intellectual challenges. Quit worrying about North Korea and find ways to intellectually stimulate your daughters. Give them more responsibilities around the house. Encourage them.

Of course, the medical and exercise issues mentioned elsewhere are extremely important as well.