If SJ were Love Boat, who would guest star?

I have no idea why I stumbled on this, but here's a list of every guest in Love Boat history ...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_The_Love_Boat_guest_stars

I'd like to incorporate some of them and some of SJ's finest into a wacky story of some sort, but I'll be damned if I can put it together. Give it a shot if you're so inclined.

 

Can you elaborate a little more on what you're looking for?

 

If Bubbler does this, Steubing will be riding dildoes and Isaac will be hanging with rent boys. Just sayin'

 

ijag will be torn between Bubba Smith and Bert Convy

 

Too much information overload on that list for me to make anything out of it.

Though I picture a subplot featuring the Village People and Charles Nelson Reilly getting into wacky misadventures, mistaking Dools for potential partner at one of their "parties".

In actual fact, the very straight Dools is just a big fan of both and he wants to know; a) why not YWCA instead of YMCA? Women's lib, man! C'mon Village People, get with it!; and b) does Charles Nelson Reilly have Brett Somers phone number so he can make a love connection with that raspy-voiced nymph?

After the Village People and Charles Nelson Reilly make awkward advances at Dools throughout the show, encouraged by an ever-winking Capt. Steubing, Somers makes a late cameo at the bar, and with gooey eyes, writes her phone number for Dools on a Match Game '77 game card.

Isaac points at Dools!



Roll credits!

 

Mmmm, Brett Somers. Tho I would jam to some Village People tunes

 

Jam what?

 

with Elaine Joyce...

 

Nothing, bubs, straight, remember? And slappy would be walking his dog on the deck, watching with fascination as the pooch hoses the ocean down. He would encounter a sobbing, nightie-clad Joyce Bulifant. Slappy asks what's the matter. Joyce replies: "I don't know why I keep expecting BYH to satisfy. I thought maybe the honeymoon would be different!" Then more sobs

 

A coked-up Lauren Tewes leads her away to console her and do a line on the Lido deck...

 

I find it interesting that the list begins with Willie Aames and ends with Adrian Zmed. That's kind of a dual punchline.

 

Fucking Shields and Yarnell ... how did they not ever guest star?

I had an idea where Zagoshe, OutOfPlace and Isabel Sanford all go on the Love Boat together, but Sanford is driven to distraction by Zag and OOP's constant arguing and one-upsmanship. Yet ... she sees that if the right moment were struck ... well ... love is exciting and new, right?

Sanford approaches Shields and Yarnell and they hatch a plan that will come to play during Shields and Yarnell's grand performance on the last night of the cruise.

Sanford drags both Zag and OOP to the show. They are unwilling participants as they had earlier walked away in a huff over whether Mike Tomlin was "awesome" (in OOP's estimation) or "token" (in Zag's). (Insert Love Boat laugh track here)

Shields and Yarnell are doing their wildly popular robotic mime routine -- cue standing ovation sound effect -- when they suddenly leave stage abruptly. The backdrop turns from a standard stage to a Georgia bar. Shields comes out in a "Drink Like A Champion" T-shirt and approaches Yarnell, who is playing a female bar patron.

In a strangely hauting scene, Yarnell is robotically escorted by Shields into the men's restroom, where he proceeds to rape her ... never breaking his robotic mime Ben Roethlisberger character.

As Zag and OOP watch this poignant robotic mime rape, they look in each other's eyes. Yes, they have differences. Yes, OOP loves the Steelers and Zag hates them, but though they share little common ground, there are things that unite, lo, make them see the love they have for one another.

They both despise Roethlisberger and his actions, but by their actions, weren't they just forcing their own aggression on to one another, when really, all they want to express is love?

The camera pans to their hands as they move them over the other's softly. The next scene shows a close-up of a Do Not Disturb sign on one of the cabins.

After a commercial, pan to Vicki Stubing, who is walking down the hallway with Doc.

"Gee Doc, after all of that arguing, it sure is quiet on this deck all of the sudden!" Vicki says.

As they approach Zag and OOP's room, Doc hear's vague gutteral noise coming from their cabin, and he abruptly makes Vicki stop.

"Mmm, maybe it's not so quiet down here after all. Let's head back upstairs," Doc says.

"I don't hear anything, Doc, what do you mean?" Vicki says.

"Don't worry about it," Doc says, winking at the camera. Cue laugh track!

Roll credits!

But it won't work, because stupid-ass Shields and Yarnell never actually appeared on the show.