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I just wasn't very good

Discussion in 'Writers' Workshop' started by Ralph Smith, Aug 10, 2006.

  1. Ralph Smith

    Ralph Smith New Member

    Yeah . . .
  2. Chi City 81

    Chi City 81 Guest

    Re: Pro soccer feature

    First thing I noticed is, I like the cadence you create with your lede and transitions, but it reads too much like a commercial. Maybe play with the wording a bit, or come up with a different concept, while keeping the same formula. I don't know if it makes much sense, but it's late, and I just got off work.
  3. friend of the friendless

    friend of the friendless Active Member

    Re: Pro soccer feature

    Mr Smith,

    Stylized, that's for sure.

    I tried something like that last year -- breaking a feature into sections, each with a top of "This is how ..."

    e.g.: "This is how a strongman fell in love."

    Or: "This is how a strongman finds strength."

    My editor told me to kill it. I strongly resisted. I was wrong. If you look back in W-Workshop, back to the first days, you'll see the piece as it ran. Pulling the stuff out, the over-stylized stuff, ungummed the story. Take a shot at a rewrite on this sans the French pastry.

    YHS, etc
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