I hate the neighborhood kids

Armchair_QB · Oct 8, 2008

cranberry said:

Do any of these kids happen speak with a lisp?
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Not yet.

EE94 · Oct 8, 2008

Scare the shit out of the kid with a stern - Do Not come into my Yard
Let him know you mean business

BYH · Oct 8, 2008

Batman said:

So the other day, the wife, dog and I are enjoying a quiet Sunday afternoon in the Batcave. It was a nice day, so I left the door open for the dog to run out in the yard while I watched football. Everything was fine for a few minutes, until I heard it.
The sound of the local hellspawns.
These three kids, we'll call them Huey, Dewey and Lisa (one is a girl) -- all around 7 or 8 years old -- appear out of nowhere every time we let the dog out. Every. Fucking. Time. I swear they have a damn alarm in their house, like they do at the fire station.
Dog starts doing her poo-poo shuffle, there's the kids -- and the shuffle is interupted. Dog needs her quiet time to shit.
Leave the door open so she can go out, there's the kids. Always screaming, "It's Holly!"
Never mind that the dog's name is "Ollie".
This weekend, I corrected one of the kids on the name, leading to this exchange:
Huey: Holly's here!
Me: Actually, her name is "Ollie".
Huey: Molly?
Dewey: No, it's Holly.
Me: No, Ollie.
Huey: Polly?

And, of course, the dog gets excited when the kids are out there. Maybe even agitated, since they insist on putting their hand over the damn fence when she's barking and snarling at them. I think the dog just wants to play -- one of her favorite pasttimes seems to be running along the fence (it's a short picket fence, but also a small dog) while these kids run back and forth with her. It's cute, to a point.
That point was reached over the last couple weeks.
Huey and Lisa are nice enough. They seem to have some sense and back off when Ollie starts getting riled. But Dewey is a real dipshit. I hate Dewey. Couple weeks ago I was grilling in the yard and this little asshole comes over by the fence and says, "You better give me something to eat!"
I tell him, politely, to fuck off.
This week, I was grilling again and he and Huey are summoned by the activity in the yard. The alarm and red lights must have gone off in the house. Ollie runs out and starts her usual barking and snarling. Huey is by the fence, just kind of standing there. Dewey, meanwhile, goes to the gate and tells his podnuh, "Stay there! Keep her there so I can go in." And he starts fiddling with the latch on the gate. All the while, I'm staring right at him. He finally sees me and then remembers to ask, "Mister, can I come in?"
Again, I not-so-politely tell him fuck no.
So now it's becoming worrisome. I'm afraid this little shithead is going to come in the yard one day when I'm not paying attention, or stick his hand over the fence -- another of Dewey's favorite hobbies -- and get bitten. Our dog is very territorial, and it wouldn't surprise me if she defended her turf like that. Or this little prick is going to start throwing rocks at her. He seems like a future serial killer. I wouldn't put it past him.
The wife and I are almost afraid to leave the house when these kids are out there, because the dog always follows us out. If she doesn't, the first thing the kids ask is "Where's Holly?" It's like trying to avoid someone, only you can't because they live next door and appear from the bowels of hell every time you step outside. It's annoying.
Is it wrong to hate a 7-year-old? Is it wrong to shoot them if they come in the yard?
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I laughed like fucking hell at this from start to finish.

You've got a gift, Batman...a gift for making your torment funny.

Batman · Oct 8, 2008

Ace said:

Batman said:

Ace said:

pressboxramblings07 said:

Privacy fence.
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Electric fence.
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It's funny. There's a dog a couple houses down, a black lab, that has one of those around the yard. Wide open yard, open to the street, and it never runs away. I think the kids pester that dog, too.
I'd love to slap a spare collar on Dewey and throw him inside the perimeter for a couple hours.
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No. I meant electrify the fence you have so the kids get fried if they touch it.
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Sounds like a worthwhile weekend project. Will a 220-volt line run through a wooden fence? Guess I could always slap some barbed wire on top. Sure, it's only a 2 1/2-foot high fence. But how cool would that look?

nmmetsfan · Oct 8, 2008

You could install a moat.

Armchair_QB · Dec 15, 2014

BYH · Dec 15, 2014

Armchair_QB said:

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holy shit that's funny.

micropolitan guy · Oct 8, 2008

Now I've seen everything. A Barbarella fence.

ArnoldBabar · Oct 8, 2008

Astronaut dog!

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I hate the neighborhood kids

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