I guess I am not photogenic

The other day, I had to get pictures taken for my new passport. I wasn't looking forward to it because I really haven't ever had a good picture taken of me. Maybe it's because I'm baby-faced. Maybe it's because I end up looking down on the camera. But with every photo, it looks like I'm auditioning for a police line or FOX's "People Who Should Wear A Paper Bag Over Their Heads."

Anyway, I go and get the photos taken while running errands. I didn't have a good feeling about them, and it only got worse when the photog said, "Uh oh" as he was developing them. Nothing gets past me.

Despite my natural curiosity, I don't look at them. Instead, when I got home and Sis 'Beat is waiting on me. I give her the envelope and ask her to take a look at them. There was silence, then stammering before she asked, "Uh, were you in a fight?"

No.

"Did you play hockey?"

It's a 100 degrees out. Where am I going to play hockey?

And then it dawns on me. What's wrong with the photos?

"Uh, HB, both sides of your face are bruised in the photos and it looks like your nose is broken in the first one."

That's funny, since I've never suffered a broken nose and haven't been in a fight in who-knows-how-long. So, I steal my first glance at them and there I was, in my less-than-photogenic despair. These weren't headshots. They were a plea for help.

 

It could just be that you're one ugly motherfucker.

 

Well, that too.

 

I abhor anything that involves sticking my face anywhere near the lens side of a camera. Despise it ...

It helps explain how I save a lot of money on photo albums.

 

What gave you the first clue?

 

I went through K-12 with twin girls who were incredibly unphotogenic. They are very pretty in person, but you would never know it from their photos. Every single school photo - terrible. Candid photos - even worse. It doesn't make any sense. Maybe that's your problem, HB?

Or maybe not...

 

Wow, you actually DID break the camera!

 

I have to wonder why the photographer, who probably took it with a digital camera, couldn't recognize that things looked bad in the preview screen. I don't see it as being all that difficult to adjust.

 

You should have figured something was up when they put stickers all over your photo on the Duff Beer calendar.

 

Unavailable for comment.

 

TTIUWOP!

 

I laughed so hard at that I had tears.