How would you do on Food Network's Chopped?

Mrs. Bubbler watches Chopped like its her job. I'll jump in and watch it too.

Of course, the concept is kind of ridiculous. When I was a kid, I used to experiment with all kinds of incongruent ingredients too. I almost always ended up with some brownish shit-like liquid. Which didn't stop me from microwaving it and trying to serve it to my little brother.

And the judges couldn't be more sanctimonious. Especially this douche.



And this wench.



Oh? You couldn't make something edible out of flank steak, a Hot Pocket, Andy Capp's cheddar fries and alum powder? You fail as a chef! It's like some bizarre variation on Condescending Wonka.

Despite that, it's still entertaining, and I constantly think of what I would make if I were given the same parameters.

Bear in mind, I have no skills in the kitchen whatsoever.

I watched the other night and I believe the final ingredient was rice puffs, horned melon (what?), cashew butter and gummy worms. Because a restaurant would TOTALLY rely on such a dish, but I digress.

My master plan:

-- Poke the horned melon with holes.
-- Stick the gummy bears in said holes.
-- Smear the remaining surface of the horned melon with the cashew butter.
-- Sprinkle the rice puffs all over the cashew butter until it covers the entire surface of the melon.

Voila!

I'd call the dish Society. It would be an allegory for how the free market (i.e. the gummy worms and rice puffs, who resemble maggots) relentlessly eats at the core values of our being. We are the horned melon and the cashew butter is our inescapable greed.



Judges?



"Chef Bubbler, you've been Chopped. And may God have mercy on your soul."

Fuck. Anyone else want to go for the 10-grand?

 

I would just love to hear the judges giggle everytime that twat-waffle Ted said the words "Chef Chef".

 

Considering on each episode of "Chopped" I watch, of the three rounds, there are generally 6-7 items I've never even HEARD of, and considering I just worked up a sweat boiling two hot dogs for lunch (that's the closest I get to "cooking") I'm going to go ahead and pass.

PS I hate that bitch too.

 

That woman always has something bad to say. Always.

If I got on there I'd love to tell her to get laid or buy a vibrator or something just to lighten the hell up.

As for cooking, I'd be cut the first time I overheard one of them saying, "I can't believe he did that" and I'd scream from the grill at them.

 

If I knew there was no way in hell I was going to make it, I would take all 3 dishes, run behind the kitchen doors for a minute or two, give each dish a small sampling of "Chef's Homemade Ranch Dressing", and say "Bon Appetit, fuckers."

 

Love the show. Currently saving up for the dream house with two kitchens so Care Bear and I can have regular culinary competitions.

 

I like to think I would do OK on it, but I have a feeling just about everything would go into the blender and hope for the best. I would also fail at desert. I don't make deserts and I rarely ever eat them. No idea what to do there.

 

I'd like to think I'm a good cook and I like to try making new things or putting my own twist on typical fare, especially before my kids became critics. So I often think about what I'd do on this show. I come to the conclusion that even if I knew what the hell half the ingredients were it would take me two-thirds of the time just to think of what to do with them.

That said all of the chefs on this show are amazing for simply coming up with something edible under the rules of the game.

 

It seems as though it's every other show that the contestants open the basket and I ask my wife about one of the ingredients, "Never heard of it; what is THAT?" So chances are I would not make it to the entree round.

They need to show some flexibility in the scoring. Last week I saw a show where one contestant served them raw chicken and another cut up her finished chicken on the same board she used to cut the raw chicken: instant contamination. Right then and there they should have whacked 'em both.

 

I'm with you but being able to boil hot dogs would put you ahead of a lot of the "chefs" who regularly appear on Hell's Kitchen.

 

Hahahah has there ever been a more unlikeable cast on that shitshow than this year?

If I didn't love to hear Gordon call them "donkey" I'd have stopped watching long ago. Oh yeah, and I love delusion, as well.

 

Mrs. Huggy has given up on this season after the first few episodes. This appears to be a thoroughly unlikeable, thoroughly incompetent group of foul-mouthed, ghetto trash talking, chain-smoking blowhards. Ramsay is just as bad, he's opening a steak place but doesn't gas people who fuck up - wait for it! - steak! The "judges" they had for the ludicrous fashion night are among the most ridiculous people they have had on there and that's saying something after the wedding they hosted.