How NOT to write a cover letter! :)

I had a buddy of mine get frustrated while looking for work a few years ago in TV and he wrote this to help himself feel better. I was polishing off my resume today and stumbled across it in my files. Made me laugh. Enjoy:


January 17, 2004


Station Manager, WTOR
PO Box 1176
Toledo, OH 48161


Dear Employer:

My parole officer recently brought to my attention that your station is hiring, so please accept this as my letter of application for the Reporter position for WTOR. I’ve seen reporters on the TV and I think they’re really cool. It would be nice if I could get a job. Because if so, I would finally have something to live for.

I’ve recently graduated from Bumfuck University with a Bachelor of Science degree in Broadcasting and Journalism, so that would probably be the equivalent of someone graduating from Clown College or the American Bartender’s Institute. (It should be noted that I attended a semester at the ABI but flunked out after repeatedly failing to remember the ingredients in a Long Island Iced Tea.)

I feel I would be a great asset to this station. I can read at a sixth grade level, I only have minor drug problems, and my psychiatrist thinks I no longer pose any danger to people. I guess I’m legally required to tell you that I’m a registered sex offender, but that was only because I got caught jerking off at a bus station, no big deal.

I often lie awake at night and wonder what the hell happened to my life, but that’s my problem, not yours. I assure you that I’m the man for the job, if you can put up with a few hours of uncontrollable crying at the office every day.

I’m done with sleeping around 11:00 am. Please call anytime after that to set up an interview. Maybe we can meet for lunch or something, since I haven’t been able to afford food in weeks and will snap if I don’t eat soon. On a positive note, my doctor says that I’m about two weeks away from having pain-free urination, so I’m really starting to turn a corner, I think. Thank you for the consideration and I look forward to hearing from you. If I don’t get this job, I’ll shoot myself in the fucking head. Well, have a nice day!

Sincerely,

---

 

so, was your friend hired?

 

I wouldn't be surprised if I wrote one of those cover letters one of these days. At the rate this industry is going.

 

YOU'RE HIRED!


















I always wanted to say that.

 

You're too late BBAM. Getting hired is totally 2004.

OUT: You're hired!
5 MINUTES AGO: Hiring freeze. Sorry.
IN: We laid off 10 people last week. Why did you send me your resume?

 

That reads like a Cosmo tip sheet. Me thinks you just found a new calling, 2muchcoffeeman.

 

he was a sexist bastard any way.

 

Laughed at that so much I got the hiccups. Awesome.

Best part was jerking off at the bus station.

 

I think I'll read that letter now.

 

Hey Spike, by any chance, is your friend Ted L. Nancy?

 

Sadly...no. LOL He never really used this, obviously, but he does work at a hospital now, so I guess sending this out wouldn't hurt for a TV job then, right?