How do you fall out of love...

I think you have to decide it's only going to be a friendship, and a great one. Or let it go and find another one to love.

 

OK, let me clarify, because apparently it didn't make sense.

This is my best friend. Someone I trust above all else. Because of random things in our pasts, one of us is more willing to be in a relationship right now. And, since we'd been talking about this developing for the better part of a year, I felt it had finally become time for him to make a choice, whether we were going to actually develop it, or leave it as best friends.

He chose best friends.

So I'm struggling to figure out how to stop being in love with someone whom I talk to every day, for hours on end. How to stop having my heart jump every time I hear his voice. How to shut off my feelings in order to preserve one of the best friendships I've ever had, or will have. The friendship was never in doubt...I just need help getting to the 'just friends' part as soon as possible.

Is that clearer? This isn't some friend I barely know. This isn't some unrequited love. We each care more for each other than we ever have for someone else. Times just aren't right and I don't want to wait another four years for him to decide it's still not right.

 

IJAG, I feel your pain. When I was in college, I was great friends with a girl I was madly in love with. We spent so much time together, even after we transferred to schools 20 minutes apart. We'd drink often, talk for hours on the phone, spent as much time as possible. I was mad about her. We nearly hooked up a few times, but it just never happened. Her boyfriends hated me, and my girlfriends hated her. She was a great friend.

After awhile, I made it clear I wanted one chance with her. She wasn't sure if she wanted to ruin a friendship if it didn't work out. We quickly grew apart, and I have long since regretted it. She was a great friend. We've tried to reconnect but it never lasts more than an email or two. I miss her.

I don't know what to tell you IJAG because every relationship is different. It sucks what you're going through. Just hang in there and try not to lose a friend.

 

What always worked for me was forcing myself to imagine the person doing it with someone I really, really hated.

 

A: When your girlfriend is a whore.

 

He does not love you (the way you love him).

Reading that is probably going to make you want to punch me in the stomach, but the truth can be harsh.




Maybe you have to pull away as a friend for a while, too. Because his voice making your heart jump every time can't be good for your mental health. He'll always be your best friend. He'll always be there as your best friend. But right now maybe you need total separation. Let another man's voice make your heart jump. Then maybe after six months you can call your best friend and tell him all about how in love you are.

 

I could go on for a while, but pretty much, you'll slowly grow immune to it until it doesn't hurt anymore.

But that could take quite a bit of time.

 

Definitely feel your pain on this one. In college, I was close to a high school friend who went to another school a few hours away - but not so close that we couldn't give it a go if we were both interested. We were constant email pals - long ones, the kind nobody really writes any more. She was my idealized woman - brilliant (she ended up graduating, with ridiculous honors, from one of the top law schools in the country. As in one of the ones EVERYBODY knows is one of the top law schools in the country). Beautiful. Funny. All of that.

Anyway, she visited one time - as a complete out-of-the-blue surprise - when she knew I was devastated over a breakup. We ended up drinking a little too much and making out that night, etc. (no sex, nothing below the belt). Anyway, it was basically the greatest 30 minutes of my life to that point.

And she didn't remember a second of it. Or so she said the next day.

But even so, bringing it up was my chance to say, "You know ... I'm madly in love with you and I always have been." But I never did, and now we're out of touch, other than maybe two emails over the last 10 years.

We're both happily married now, so things worked out. But the regret isn't that we didn't end up together. I'm fine with that. It's that I never had the courage to at least tell her how I felt, and that still hurts, especially since I'm sure she probably figured it out. Perhaps was even waiting for it.

So, IJAG, as much as it hurts now, I think you'll at least be comforted eventually, when the pain fades, by the knowledge that you at least gave it a shot.

 

All I can say is I empathize. And yes, sometimes, you need a little distance.

 

Outing alert: Buck is really Fun Bobby

 

I actually just figured he was purposely trying to pull a fast one on us all, like the "Office" episode where everyone is telling Michael sad sack plots from movies and he's buying it hook, line and sinker.

 

IJAG, there's no easy answer here. I think you have to let it go. Like someone else said, try to find someone else who makes your heart jump. I'd been through a lot of almosts and want-it-to-bes in the relationship department before finding my true love last year. And trust me, when it's right for both at the same time ... fireworks. So go find your own Fourth of July. Maybe he'll come around, maybe he won't but it appears you can't make it happen with him if he doesn't want it right now.