Holy crap do I suck at golf

Golf has never been my thing. I never played it as a kid, I never even walked a course until I was a senior in high school. It just wasn't a part of what my family did when I was a kid.

However, I had a brief nexus of golf playing in the late 80s/early 90s when my friends played and when my dad started to get into it. I'd play with both, no more than weekend warrioring, it wasn't an obsession or anything.

I totally, utterly sucked, but got passably bad at it as time went on. However, my temperament in those days was notoriously bad, and golf brought out the absolute worst in me. I made Happy Gilmore look like he was zoned out on Methadone, I was completely out of control, smashing stryofoam cups with my clubs, yelling at the people I played with, I'd just lose my mind.

Combined with the fact I sucked, my temper, allergy issues that killed me when I played, and well, general laziness, I last played a round in the early 90s. For most of that time, I didn't have any desire to play. Once in a blue moon, I'd get the urge when I covered golf, but it would quickly go away.

For whatever reason, I've had the urge to play lately, knowing full well that I would suck probably 100 times more than I ever did. But I am a bit calmer than I once was, so I figured why not?

I had a 20-year-old (at least) bag of clubs in my garage, which I literally dusted and cleaned off, tossed them in my car and headed to a driving range. I took my kids in an effort to introduce them to something new.

I got a bucket of 60 balls. Using various clubs, my guess is that I hit maybe five of them straight, none of them in the way they were intended to be hit with the various clubs I had.

Facing south, I'd say at least half of my shots headed due southeast or southwest, some even east-by-southeast, and a few definitely due west. I drilled the windshield of the ball cart with a blistering shot from a 3-wood, unfortunately, he was at a 25 degree angle from where I was shooting.

I was a complete and utter golf retard. I couldn't remember how to properly grip the clubs, the proper stance for the various clubs ... other than bare bones basics. I couldn't remember what motion I needed to use on my swing, it was shamtastic.

The only things I remembered was to keep my eye on the ball, which I was successful at doing maybe 20 percent of the time. Don't overswing, which I utterly did not do. And some nugget from that Harvey Penick book that you should swing the club like its a bucket of water. Well, fuck you Harvey, I tried that, and I threw the God damn bucket further than I hit the ball.

My kids were giggling, not knowing that they were tempting fate by bringing out my potential temper, but other than a glare once, I kept it under control. At least my putting was somewhat acceptable on the putting green.

Suck to the seventh level of suck hell though I did, I am undaunted. I want to play this game and do it right. I humbly submit to any suggestions before I kill someone at a par-3 course.

 

Walmart sells new clubs.

 

Can't catch a baseball, can't hit a golf ball. What are you good for?

 

What dooley said. Hopefully you hire someone to teach your kids how to properly play sports.

 

My club bag is hilarious.

I have just two woods. A 3-wood is my biggest club and there ain't a bit of titanium, steel or carbon fiber in it ... it is wood. My only other wood is a 4-wood.

My irons are intact. A 3-iron all the way down to the trusty 9-iron. My wedges are a mess though. I have a pitching wedge ... that's it. The sand wedge was broken years ago and no lob wedges, gap wedges, etc., need apply in this bag. Given my accuracy, I might need a sand wedge. Umm, sand wedge.

I have two putters. The newer one is utterly worthless and I hate it. The old one, though, I like and have a good feel for.

 

Golf sucks. Started playing as a teen and I actually got worse as I got older. Played for about 10 years or so, and never broke 100. Even when I cheated.

Fuck it. I don't need to spend that much money and come away with nothing but anger and a sunburn.

 

Found a driver for you...
http://sellout.woot.com/Default.aspx?WootSaleId=9305&ts=1248239524&sig=a1b7445e9c51d861

 

I went to the driving range for the first time in two years the other day and it wasn't pretty. I never really hit a solid iron until about halfway through the bucket. It took about five swings with my driver to get it back : no slice either. This coming from someone who spent his summers on the course four-five days a week and was averaging around 92. Pathetic.

 

Yes. Yes you do.

 

I also totally suck at golf...I went to a chip-and-putt place with some buddies in high school and sucked then, went to a driving range a few years later and was hitting balls off the overhang of the tin roof. Balls come off a nine iron for me like a cannonball rolling across a Civil War battlefield. But I never got angry at the fact that I suck because it's silly to stir up an emotion for such a useless cause.

 

I am just picking up golf again after a 20 year absence and I don't expect the reults to be pretty.

In the past few summers I turned down about a dozen games thru work so I figured this year I would get back into it seeing as so much business is done on the course.

I picked up a set at Golf Town for 600 bucks so hopefully they are a little more forgiving than the set of Canadian Tire specials I used to play with.

I have 2 tournaments in August so depending how things go there may be a set on new Clevelands on Craigslist in a month