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Holy crap do I suck at golf

Discussion in 'Anything goes' started by Bubbler, Jul 21, 2009.

  1. Bubbler

    Bubbler Well-Known Member

    Golf has never been my thing. I never played it as a kid, I never even walked a course until I was a senior in high school. It just wasn't a part of what my family did when I was a kid.

    However, I had a brief nexus of golf playing in the late 80s/early 90s when my friends played and when my dad started to get into it. I'd play with both, no more than weekend warrioring, it wasn't an obsession or anything.

    I totally, utterly sucked, but got passably bad at it as time went on. However, my temperament in those days was notoriously bad, and golf brought out the absolute worst in me. I made Happy Gilmore look like he was zoned out on Methadone, I was completely out of control, smashing stryofoam cups with my clubs, yelling at the people I played with, I'd just lose my mind.

    Combined with the fact I sucked, my temper, allergy issues that killed me when I played, and well, general laziness, I last played a round in the early 90s. For most of that time, I didn't have any desire to play. Once in a blue moon, I'd get the urge when I covered golf, but it would quickly go away.

    For whatever reason, I've had the urge to play lately, knowing full well that I would suck probably 100 times more than I ever did. But I am a bit calmer than I once was, so I figured why not?

    I had a 20-year-old (at least) bag of clubs in my garage, which I literally dusted and cleaned off, tossed them in my car and headed to a driving range. I took my kids in an effort to introduce them to something new.

    I got a bucket of 60 balls. Using various clubs, my guess is that I hit maybe five of them straight, none of them in the way they were intended to be hit with the various clubs I had.

    Facing south, I'd say at least half of my shots headed due southeast or southwest, some even east-by-southeast, and a few definitely due west. I drilled the windshield of the ball cart with a blistering shot from a 3-wood, unfortunately, he was at a 25 degree angle from where I was shooting.

    I was a complete and utter golf retard. I couldn't remember how to properly grip the clubs, the proper stance for the various clubs ... other than bare bones basics. I couldn't remember what motion I needed to use on my swing, it was shamtastic.

    The only things I remembered was to keep my eye on the ball, which I was successful at doing maybe 20 percent of the time. Don't overswing, which I utterly did not do. And some nugget from that Harvey Penick book that you should swing the club like its a bucket of water. Well, fuck you Harvey, I tried that, and I threw the God damn bucket further than I hit the ball.

    My kids were giggling, not knowing that they were tempting fate by bringing out my potential temper, but other than a glare once, I kept it under control. At least my putting was somewhat acceptable on the putting green.

    Suck to the seventh level of suck hell though I did, I am undaunted. I want to play this game and do it right. I humbly submit to any suggestions before I kill someone at a par-3 course.
  2. slappy4428

    slappy4428 Active Member

    Walmart sells new clubs.
  3. dooley_womack1

    dooley_womack1 Well-Known Member

    Can't catch a baseball, can't hit a golf ball. What are you good for?
  4. dreunc1542

    dreunc1542 Active Member

    What dooley said. Hopefully you hire someone to teach your kids how to properly play sports.
  5. Bubbler

    Bubbler Well-Known Member

    My club bag is hilarious.

    I have just two woods. A 3-wood is my biggest club and there ain't a bit of titanium, steel or carbon fiber in it ... it is wood. My only other wood is a 4-wood.

    My irons are intact. A 3-iron all the way down to the trusty 9-iron. My wedges are a mess though. I have a pitching wedge ... that's it. The sand wedge was broken years ago and no lob wedges, gap wedges, etc., need apply in this bag. Given my accuracy, I might need a sand wedge. Umm, sand wedge.

    I have two putters. The newer one is utterly worthless and I hate it. The old one, though, I like and have a good feel for.
  6. Sleeper

    Sleeper Member

    Golf sucks. Started playing as a teen and I actually got worse as I got older. Played for about 10 years or so, and never broke 100. Even when I cheated.

    Fuck it. I don't need to spend that much money and come away with nothing but anger and a sunburn.
  7. Gutter

    Gutter Well-Known Member

    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 15, 2014
  8. slappy4428

    slappy4428 Active Member

    Found a driver for you...
  9. Madhavok

    Madhavok Active Member

    I went to the driving range for the first time in two years the other day and it wasn't pretty. I never really hit a solid iron until about halfway through the bucket. It took about five swings with my driver to get it back : no slice either. This coming from someone who spent his summers on the course four-five days a week and was averaging around 92. Pathetic.
  10. bigpern23

    bigpern23 Well-Known Member

    Yes. Yes you do.
  11. MartinEnigmatica

    MartinEnigmatica Active Member

    I also totally suck at golf...I went to a chip-and-putt place with some buddies in high school and sucked then, went to a driving range a few years later and was hitting balls off the overhang of the tin roof. Balls come off a nine iron for me like a cannonball rolling across a Civil War battlefield. But I never got angry at the fact that I suck because it's silly to stir up an emotion for such a useless cause.
  12. Iron_chet

    Iron_chet Well-Known Member

    I am just picking up golf again after a 20 year absence and I don't expect the reults to be pretty.

    In the past few summers I turned down about a dozen games thru work so I figured this year I would get back into it seeing as so much business is done on the course.

    I picked up a set at Golf Town for 600 bucks so hopefully they are a little more forgiving than the set of Canadian Tire specials I used to play with.

    I have 2 tournaments in August so depending how things go there may be a set on new Clevelands on Craigslist in a month:)
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