Happy b-day USA! Oh say can you see ... WTF? The neighbor is topless!

Had a lazy Fourth of July today. Hanging around the house, basically doing nothing. Late in the afternoon, I took my kids out in the driveway to wash and wax our two cars. A little bit of Americana here in the Midwest.

My driveway runs the length of my house and faces our neighbor's property. Other than a picket fence, there's nothing separating the two yards. From about 50 percent of our windows, we have a birdseye view of their backyard.

I emerged from our garage with the kids, bucket and sponges in hand. As I walked out, my neighbor -- a 50-ish recent divorcee who looks like a dead ringer for Mama Corleone from The Godfather -- was sitting by her above-ground pool with her on-the-rebound beau hunk.

They said hi, but I sensed that we might have been disturbing something.

"What are you guys doing?" she pried ... big glass of red wine in hand, already clearly drunk.

My son answered that we were washing the cars. After a little bit of small talk, I got to the task at hand and thought nothing of it.

Its probably forgotten, but I've written about my neighbor here before. You might remember her from such films as Uninhibited: Nudity In Suburbia, Be My Breast Buddy Neighbor!, The Godfather and this thread from long ago ...

http://www.sportsjournalists.com/forum/posts/1363600/

So she has a history ... and boy did she re-write it today. Since that was written, she separated from Mike Tice about a year and a half ago and is now with/banging on the rebound a dude that looks vaguely like the police captain from The Godfather (Sterling Hayden), only a tad younger.

But that's not important. What is of major fucking importance is that the toplessness went on unabated today. Children present? Who cares? Wife in the backyard grilling pork chops? Whip out those aged warlocks!

She wasn't even trying to hide it, and my initial sense that something was afoot apparently gave her little to no pause at all. What gave me major fucking pause is that the nudity began after I was out in our driveway washing the cars.

It's as if they thought about the ramifications of the neighbor seeing Mama Corleone's twin flesh sparklers, and not only said, "fuck it", but said, "fuck it ... I think this is going to turn us on! And maybe him too!" This is a freaking key party waiting to happen. I just walked stage left into Ice Storm From Hell.

Not that I noticed at first. I was so engrossed in washing and waxing the cars, I didn't even pay any mind that I had a 70s nudist camp film playing out off my driveway. It wasn't until my wife came out to our front porch and gave me the "neighbor is naked" high sign (this literally happened), that I was alert to my predicament.

And it was a predicament. I was still in mid-wax on my car and I had to "act natural" and finish the job as if I didn't know what was going on. Any acknowledgment of her nudity on my part would act as an implicit thumbs up of further nudity. If that happens, next thing you know, I've got 50-somethings batting around a beach ball, or some such thing, in the buff while I'm digging around for a Pop Tart in my kitchen. I don't need that in my life.

It was really weird focusing on task to get that wax job done knowing what was going on a few short yards away. At one point, she's drunkenly crooning Katmandu by Bob Seger while sitting next her beau topless in a yard chair by their pool, sucking his thumb covetously, according to my wife, who had a much, much more horrifying view than I did as she grilled our Fourth of July dinner on the grill. I hate Katmandu sung by clothed sober people, much less drunken naked neighbors.

The only time I got the sense they were trying to get me to look at her was when they threw their annoying-ass mini-poodle into their pool. They know full well their dog will come and visit me in my yard, and so he did. Normally, I'd escort him back, which in this case, would've meant a full-on view of Mama Corleone's warlocks. This time, I thought better of it, and he eventually returned on his own.

Eventually, she and her beau retreated into their house, no doubt to engage in sweaty, greasy, wrinkly AARP lovin' aroused by the knowledge she showed off the Corleone family jewels to the world at large. World at large meaning me and my wife.

I'm scared. Very scared. Someone buy me a bigger fence.

 

That's why I go to the car wash.

 

I am literally crying with laughter as I read this.

 

Screw it. If you've seen one woman naked .... you want to see the rest of them naked!

 

At least the neighbors didn't come over to say hi to the kids.

 

For the 4th, we took the kids to a water park and right in front of us in line for the waterslides was a woman who looked like she could go into labor at any second. If that wasn't bad enough, she had a massive dragon tattoo across her belly. I know this because she was wearing a bikini.

My wife and I were standing in line for 20 minutes doing our best, and failing miserably, at not completely laughing our asses off.

 

This obsession with warlocks concerns me.

 

Pink or brown?

 

"Twin flesh sparklers" may be the greatest euphemism of all time.

"Santino, don't interfere."

 

"My Lord, whatever I done, don't strike me blind for another couple of minutes" / Bubbler

 

I wish WE had a "neighbor is naked" high sign.

 

Is her name Lucille?


The worst offense is the singing of 'Katmandu.'