Foxborough's most disturbing videos! Aaaah!

This could be a D_B, but I'm tired and don't feel like vetting every thread with a fine-toothed comb, so fuck it if it is.

This weekend, I spent a terrific daddy-daughter weekend with my 4-year-old back home in Wisconsin (more on that later). She's a burgeoning sports nut, so we went to the Packer Hall of Fame, and Sunday's Brewers-Astros game among many other things both sports and non-sports related. Front row seats (well, upper deck anyway) today, cap day, running the Miller Park bases after the game (I held her hand, and I have to admit, even though I've actually covered games at Miller Park, I never got to run the big league bases as a kid, so even I got a little twinkle in my eye as I rounded second base with all the dexterity of late-period Willie Stargell).

It was awesome.

But I hadn't seen a shred of NFL all day, I didn't even know most of the scores -- aside from listening to the Packers' dog-ass performance on the radio after the Brewer game. A performance punctuated by the classy-as-ever Bears fan I saw while I was pumping gas in Da Region, who noticed my Packer sweatshirt. Decked out in his impressive A-Train (or was it Curtis Enis?) jersey and Bears Zubaz hat, he yells out his car window as I'm walking my daughter into the gas station to use the bathroom, "Nice fucking team you got there! Bears rule! Packers suck! They've always sucked!"

With my daughter there, I just stared at him thinking about those three Super Bowl trophies I saw with my own eyes a day earlier. Bitch-ass motherfucker.

Anyway, I get home and I needed to fix my NFL jones. I'm also showing my wife pictures from my weekend on the digital camera, so I was only seeing the NFL Network stuff out of the corner of my eye.

I look up and what's the image I see? A slow-mo shot of Bill Belichick running off the field, his prodigious man-boobs clearly flopping around in his Patriots polo like a Girls Gone Wild video gone horribly, HORRIBLY wrong.

The sublime and very real horror of looking up to see that image cannot fully be comprehended. Think of every slow-mo sensual scene from a movie -- or hell, even porno -- and imagine the complete opposite. He was the living embodiment of a Victoria's Secret fashion show from the shittiest depths of hell.

Picture in your mind's eye Bo Derek's beach scene from 10, only it's Belichick running towards you with that come-hither look in his eye as he tells you in the sensual voice only he possesses, "Hey baby, I know Jon Bon Jovi. My shirt's off, exposing my Zeus-like bosoms for all the world to see. I know you want it, and we're half way there. Want to live with me on a prayer?"

It's a damn good thing humans don't have imprinting, you know, like waterfowl? Because if Belichick's rack was the first image mine eyes ever saw, I'd drive like John Force to Wal-Mart and eat the first shotgun within arm's reach.

Flab doesn't even begin to describe what was going on in there. It was like cellulite meets The Blob. Grimace from McDonald's fame would look at that and go, "Guhhhh! What the fuck was that!"

No wonder sportswriters don't care for him, it has nothing to do with his rapier-like personality, it's just that if you cross him, he lifts his shirt and he's got some sort of cross between Freddy Krueger's soul-chest from Nightmare On Elm Street III, Quatto from Total Recall and The Blob to threaten your very soul.

Studies show the stench alone shortens the life expectency of Browns and Patriots beat writers alike by at least a decade. It's like a flesh and B.O. Love Canal up in there.

Hey Chesty McSuperBowl, put a fucking bra on that thing! Those umlauts need to be fastened down by whatever means necessary -- or better still, reduced to proportions that no longer support their own climate. If the most endowed of women work out the physics, so can you!

Then again, I'm thinking his man-dirigibles might even have the advanced technicians at Playtex vexed, so what to do? I'm not sure, but I'm thinking the only apparatus that's going to keep his Bunker Hill-like orbs in check are those shit-catchers they affix to carriage horses' asses in the park.

God, I still don't even know what happened in the other games. I'm afraid to watch ... it's like that big-ass tit from Everything You Wanted To Know About Sex But Were Afraid To Ask ... for real!

The stuff of nightmares.

 

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little. :-X

 

Bubbler, We're all doing this now ... :-X :-X :-X for the second half of your post, but as for the Packers? You should be doing this for Favre .... :'( :'( :'(

 

He and Bill Parcells could both use the Manssiere!

 

Amazing that with titties like that, he'd be banging, um, well, (are we still allowed to post her name here?)

 

I reiterate -- the World's Most Improbable Adulterer.

 

Bro!