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Football gamer

Discussion in 'Writers' Workshop' started by Sean Smyth, Jun 5, 2012.

  1. Sean Smyth

    Sean Smyth Member

    It's been a long time since I've posted in the WW. Any feedback is appreciated.


  2. Versatile

    Versatile Active Member

    This is a fine gamer, given the publication. A lot of small newspapers want their writers to focus on play-by-play, and you did that. You seized the big moment and had the right approach.

    I thought your lede could have been more specific, that you could have led with a detail about the catch instead of the moments leading up to the throw. That would have spun nicely into the the first quote and the game score, which seemed a bit buried. Your first sentence was pretty generic, then you had all that specific detail in the second graf.

    It also seemed that you buried the fact that Bladensburg had never beaten Flowers. That context really makes this story more interesting, and I would have liked to get that into the nut graf. You broke down the action a little more than I like, but, again, that's the way a lot of small-newspaper sports editors prefer it.

    But, overall, this was a fine game story, for its purpose.
  3. edemire

    edemire New Member

    I agree that the first sentence was generic - aren't the odds always against a quarterback who has to throw a hail mary?

    I think, structurally, your setup is fine, and I like that you seem to enjoy writing the piece. As a reader, I can sense that passion.
    That passion bubbles up a little too much, though, in this sentence -

    "That touchdown gave Flowers (3-0, 2-0 County 4A League) a remarkable 25-20 victory in a game that seemed all but finished moments before."

    Delete "remarkable." This article wouldn't have been written otherwise.
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