Fool me once, shame on you ...

Hey, everyone. It's me, but since some of you might know exactly who I am by my usual handle, I'm posting this under a hastily chosen pseudonym.

I'm not normally one to bring personal stuff here. Just not my style. But my usual confidantes are growing weary of the subject (I'm also not normally one to heed advice I don't like), so I figured I'd see what some of you think.

Here's the back story:

Boy (that's me) meets girl nine years ago. It was a chance thing, but we hit it off and became friends (and stayed that way) for months and months. Both of us were otherwise involved, but that didn't seem to be a negative as far as the friendship was concerned.

At some point, we decided to meet. It went well, and we did so again, then began a deep and passionate relationship. She was cute, smart, funny, sexy ... the best combination of attributes I'd found in a potential partner. Negatives? Sure. Twice divorced, two kids from the first marriage. But that didn't bother me. Besides, she had rebounded from the early divorces to work her way through college and had just started a great job.

We saw each other for a couple years, with some off-and-on periods. Then there was a rather final off period, although we remained friends. Then, she disappeared without an explanation. That was the fall of 2001.

Four years pass. Fall of '05, she e-mails me out of the blue to congratulate me on a promotion. We exchange a few messages, basically talking about work and our kids. I notice from her e-mail that she has a new last name, so I assume she has married again. (I'm quick like that.) She didn't mention anything about it, and I didn't ask. Eventually, we just stopped writing.

Fast forward another year. September of '06, she e-mails me. Turns out she had just separated from No. 3 (worst one yet ... you don't even want to know) when she had e-mailed me in '05. Divorce became final in spring of '06. So we correspond for a few days, and it seems there is still some kind of chemistry between us. We meet, and the notion is confirmed. Thus begins an incredible four months. It wasn't quite like before, because it was more of a fast track this time. By Thanksgiving, we were talking marriage, looking at rings and houses together, and wondering aloud why we had let five years go by without being together. We were together virtually every day from the first week of September through Christmas, including several weekend trips. Life is good. I'm happier than I've been in years. She is, too. It was perfect. I'm not going to bore you with all the mushy details, but clearly, we were in love and moving toward the common goal of a life together after a bunch of mistakes for both of us.

So you can see this coming, right?

In December, right before Christmas, we hit a rough spot. Some issues creep up, but we celebrate the holidays and are working on the relationship. But a trip we had planned in January was an issue. I tried not to pressure her, but I was hoping she wouldn't decide to bail. After a few days, she decides she wants to go through with it. So we do ... with mixed results. There is some tension, but it wasn't like we fought or even argued. We've never really done that at all.

So we return home and the walls go up. No calls, no visits, nothing for a few days. Well, by this time, I'm not happy and I let her know. So she says it's not working ... we're great friends ... blah, blah, blah ... and that's how it has to be. Among the issues, she is taller than me. I'm not a midget and she's not an amazon, but if she's in heels, yeah, someone might notice if we're standing back-to-back. Never was an issue at any point in any incarnation of our relationship, but now it is. Also, some of what I thought were my funny, cute idiosyncracies had come to annoy her. And throw in some other stuff completely out of my control, and instead of planning a future together, we're done. In a couple of weeks, it seems, I went from Mr. Wonderful to Mr. Short and Annoying. She said, "Just because we're having this conversation now doesn't mean I wasn't telling you the truth when I told you I loved you." Or something like that. Gee, thanks.

(continued)

 

So ... that was a month ago. There have been a few e-mails, a stray text message and a phone call or two, but nothing lately. I'm not the crazy stalker type, so I've just kind of let it go as much as possible. As close as we became since September, it's been difficult. We both really thought, at one point, this was it.

Now it's Valentine's Day and I feel like Lloyd Dobler in "Say Anything." No, I'm not going to go to her house and hoist a boombox over my head and serenade her with "In Your Eyes," but I do kind of feel like John Cusack's character when he's sitting in the car after Diane Court (Ione Skye) breaks up with him.

"I gave her my heart and she gave me a pen," Dobler said.

This was all supposed to lead to some big question, but I'm not sure what it should be. Did I just hitch my wagon to a really fickle woman? Should I have seen this coming? What should I do? Should I do anything? How do you go from talking marriage to this so quickly? I'm approaching middle age ... and yet, I had no idea women could change their minds so quickly about a relationship. Is that normal? Is she extra-skittish because of previous bad decisions? Should I care?

I have a friend who says, "Stop wasting your time thinking about her. She smokes, she has tattoos and she's been divorced three times. You can do better."

I've about reached the end of the line with him from an advice standpoint. He's tired my shtick. A female friend I've had for years hasn't spoken to me in three weeks, primarily over this. So I come to my anonymous friends at SportsJournalists.com.

I did all the stuff you're supposed to do when you get the rug pulled out from under you. Threw myself into the work. Can't remember my last day off. When I'm not at work, I spend as much time as possible with my child. I do that anyway. I tried the beer-and-shots routine. That's not a long-term solution. Now I'm doing the exercise-like-a-motherfucker thing.

It doesn't seem to matter. I'm still right where I was a month ago. Cranky, sad and - obviously - lonely. And now, I'm freaking bombarded by Valentine's Day. The bastards behind this holiday must pay!



I guess my main question is this: Was I stupid in not following Gomer Pyle's tried-and-true advice, hinted at in the subject of this thread. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I mean, after little or no contact with her in five years, I'd all but written her off. I assumed she had done the same with me. Then we get back together, and it's even better than before, only to fall apart again.

I walked away from her the first time under similar circumstances. Found out later that she wasn't entirely honest in why she bailed the first time. I was sure at the time I made a huge mistake in just giving up, and she all but confirmed my feeling after we got back together. I feel that way this time, too, but as Bill Belichick once said, "I can only go by what I see." Or can I?

What do you all make of my soap opera?

Sorry if was too long and boring, but I feel a little better already just from venting a bit. Thanks for listening.

 

Agreed.

 

You don't wanna hear the truth, bro. Your friends have already tried to tell you. Now, one has reached the end of his line "with your schtick" and the other won't even talk to you. So, that tells me they've already tried failed in getting the truth into you.
You have just got to be willing to LISTEN and trust these people who truly want the best for you.

This woman may appeal to some of your needs, but obviously you need more (from your description of her, I'd say we all would). I've been where you're at. I used to fall for "emotionally unavailable women" all the time. But the more I dated them, the more I realized how unhappy they made me and, as many issues as they had, I had several of my own. It wasn't until I realized that that I was able to move on.

So, do yourself a favor. Look within yourself and try to figure out what makes this woman so attractive to you. This is going to go a long way in helping you pick out a healthier relationship for yourself in the future.
Do yourself and your child a huge favor ... move beyond this. Don't try to forget this woman. Remember the good times, but also remember what the hurt feels like and, if you ever recognize these same traits in another woman, run the other way, hard and fast. Cuz, there's lotsa good ones out there. You've just got to be willing to find them.

Good luck.

 

Three things:

1/Echo Junkie and subhead. I'm sure she's a delightful young woman. But she has issues.
2/I'm 5-6 and my wife is 6-foot. We've been married for 17 years. It can work.
3/Listen to your friends. Take a deep breath -- and a day off, for chrissakes -- and move on.

 

... WE WON'T GET FOOLED AGAIN! [/fredo]

Don't mess with that. I've dealt with a girl like that once. Roses for weeks, then she'd flake out. Big mistake, no matter how much you're infatuated with her.

 

Sorry, but I laughed out loud at that...

 

I suspect you know what you should do and you're hoping someone will tell you different.

She may be great when she's at her best, but she clearly has issues. Too many issues. Shouldn't three marriages give you the idea that she's pathologically incapable of sustained happiness, contentment, commitment?

 

Leave my ex-wife alone, Calvin.

 

What GimpyScribe said.

Listen, just take care of yourself. Do something nice for yourself. Be selfish. You'll get through this.

 

Run....very far away....and if she ever contacts you again, ignore any emails or letters and cut any phone calls as short as possible.

Trust me. Women like that, what you really need is distance. The farther you get away from her, the easier it will be to see her for what she is...a tease who can't get her act together.

Yes, I speak from personal experience. I'm pretty much at piece with mine, but it brings up plenty of unpleaseant memories.

But at least she never went into something as ridiclous as a height difference as a reason not to be together. Sorry, if a woman is bringing that up this far into things, she's just looking for any excuse.

(Of course, I'm tall, so I've been spared that one)

 

Cal--Sad story....but she did you a huge favor. You've been her 'back-burner' guy all these years--every time she ends up alone, she gets in touch with you. Then she disappears. Then she reappears. Rinse and repeat.

Forget about the smoking and tattoos...but the three divorces say something about the choices she makes. Be grateful she's not choosing you.

You tried, you gave it your best, she didn't get it. Save your heart for someone who will. Happy Valentines Day.