Feature on local softball player

Hey all, this is my first post and the first time I've really sought feedback about my writing. A little about me: I'm a full time sports reporter at a small daily in a small town (circulation ~13k). I went to school for journalism, but didn't write for the school paper. I interned as a sports reporter. I've been full time for about 6 months.
This is the first feature I've written that that I think I would want representing my work, so I'm posting it here for your feedback. I will post it in the body instead of linking to it because it is behind a paywall.

Through pain and injuries, DeSales' Lyons fights on
WALLA WALLA - Ashlyn Lyons has played softball, or baseball - or some sport involving a bat and ball - since she was a toddler.
When she was 3 years old, she started playing T-ball. She started baseball (not softball) at 6, and she started playing softball in youth travel leagues when she was 8.
When Lyons turned 11, she knew she wanted to play college softball. And that has been her goal ever since.
That desire is why she and her parents make a five-hour trek to Puyallup, Wash., every other weekend to play for a college showcase team in the spring, summer and fall.
It's why she often finds herself doing homework in a Suburban heading down Interstate 90, and why she spends her afternoons and weekends pitching for DeSales' softball team.
It's also why she's been seeing a chiropractor on an almost daily basis since the Irish softball season began in March.
Along with the checkups with a back professional, ice and saran wrap has become a common companion for the 16-year-old DeSales sophomore as she deals with back and shoulder pain stemming from an elbow injury and years of year-round sports.
But contrary to what you might think, the affable - but ultra-competitive - teenager said the pain is motivating.
"I think it probably slows me down a little bit," Lyons said. "It makes me a little less accurate, but it also motivates me, so its kind of a good thing and a bad thing."
It motivates you?
"I know that if I start struggling, or hurting, that my coaches are going to pull me, so I have to keep doing what I'm doing because I want to be on the mound all the time," she said.
DeSales' coaching staff has been treating Lyons with kid-gloves this season, resting her in non-league games and pulling her from the circle when she'll have it, but that doesn't mean she has to like it.
"They limit all my practice time, and I have to constantly be telling people that I'm OK, even though they know I'm lying," Lyons said. "It really sucks sometimes to hear them say, ‘We're playing a non-league game, you can't be on the mound, we need you resting,' but I don't know... that's just how it goes I guess."
As well as the pain, Lyons has been dealing with a number of transitions this year.
Her pitching coach of almost three years, Jerry Votendahl, retired with back problems of his own, leading to a new coach in the Tri-Cities and a slight tweak in her pitching mechanics, and she has changed her swing to deal with faster, better pitchers jamming her inside at the plate.
In addition, DeSales welcomed six eighth-graders to its ranks this season, including Lyons' younger sister Allesyn.
But that hasn't stopped her from helping the Irish dominate the Southeast 2B.
Rainouts and delays have muddied the league standings, but a pair of wins over rival Waitsburg-Prescott Tuesday left DeSales with a 7-1 league record and a clear path to the league championship with four SE2B games remaining on its schedule.
Lyons has been in the circle for almost every league inning, despite her doctor's prognosis that only rest will fully heal her injuries.
"To be totally honest, I don't see myself being able to sit out of my own will ever," Lyons said. "Especially during the softball season. DeSales softball is pretty much what I live for."
Lyons' back and shoulder problems stem from elbow soreness she first began suffering when she was 11 years old. Her pediatrician diagnosed her with overuse, an easy conclusion to reach given the fact that the ‘tweener was playing AAU basketball and select soccer in addition to softball at the time.
But the pain was only of the nagging variety, and Lyons kept up the pace.
Then, while goal tending for Wa-Hi's varsity soccer team her freshman year, disaster struck. She hyper-extended her left elbow while making a save and inflamed the injury.
Her doctor thinks the elbow injury led Lyons to overcompensate for the pain while pitching, and in doing so, tweak her back and shoulder.
Thursday, she got even worse news.
"At first it seemed like he thought it was more muscle tightness," Lyons said of her chiropractor, Dan Elmenhurst. "But then today he started talking to me about nerves and all that stuff and it kind of freaked me out."
Should Lyons be restricted from pitching, she could always play first base instead. Not only would it keep her bat in the rotation for DeSales (one that powered to a .747 average in 2011), but Lyons said she enjoyed the position almost as much - and that she was actually a better first baseman than pitcher.
In fact, she could even find more success at the college level as a fielder and batter than as a pitcher.
"I noticed in college softball, a lot of pitchers don't get to hit," she said. "I would definitely love to hit. I love to pick balls (out of the air at first base). Obviously, I don't want the other players to throw bad balls, but if I'm the one who gets to make the play and get the out, then that's just awesome."
DeSales coach Russ Vera said that Lyons has lost a little velocity on her pitches this season, maybe by 1-2 mph, but that in exchange she has been locating better and getting more movement on her pitches.
"Her drop ball is dropping better, her screwball is better, her rise is better," Vera said. "You're giving up a little bit of velocity to get that movement. You can throw 70 mph pitches, but batters are going to sit on it and crush it. Movement-wise, she's improved much more this year."
And when it matters most, Lyons can still be counted on to blow by a batter. Against league-leading Waitsburg-Prescott, per se.
"She was throwing 56-58 mph last year," Vera said. "This year she's around 54-55. This past Tuesday (against W-P, when Lyons said she was hurting the most), she clocked 57.
"She's the most competitive player I've ever coached, the most knowledgeble player I've ever coached," Vera said. "She thrives on competition."
(the following is a sidebar that appeared with the story. I did this to focus on her and not her stats.)
ASHLYN LYONS AT A GLANCE
2011 DeSales stats
Batting Avg: .747
RBI: 53
Runs: 51
Pitching Record: 17-8-1
ERA: 0.88
Strikeouts: 271
Innings Pitched: 167
Awards/Honors/Notables
2010
DeSales softball: Southeast 2B league championship, third-place finish at districts, third-place finish at state
All-state honorable mention
All-SE2B first team
WIAA Athlete of the Week
DeSales MVP
2011
DeSales softball: second-place finish at districts, fourth-place finish at state
All-area/class honorable mention
DeSales captain
All-SE2B first team
DeSales MVP
WIAA Athlete of the Week
2012
DeSales captain
WIAA Athlete of the Week

I really strove with this article to be concise. It ended up being about 1000 words, which is good, but I am concerned I might have cut too much.
I had a very good interview with the player's mother and used a lot of background information from it but no quotes. Furthermore, I didn't express the concerns she felt about the injuries, or much of her perspective. With injuries in sports being such a touchy subject, I'm concerned I'm being overly negative.
Anyways, if you made it this far, thanks for listening to me ramble and for your feedback.

 

Ben: Sorry no one's responded on here yet. Overall, I liked it.

My critical thoughts:

--Don't do extra work. Trust that actions explain rationales/sentences. Here's a rewrite of the top. I compressed it and dumped the lede sentence, since the second sentence simply explains the first. You could come up with a different kind of lede in the future for it, though.

<i>WALLA WALLA – Ashlyn Lyons played T-ball at 3 years old. Baseball at 6. And she started playing softball in youth travel leagues when she was 8.

When Lyons turned 11, she knew she wanted to play college softball. So the DeSales pitcher and her parents make a five-hour trek to Puyallup, Wash., every other weekend to play for a college showcase team in the spring, summer and fall.

She does homework in a Suburban. She sees a chiropractor almost daily basis since the Irish softball season began in March. Ice and Saran Wrap has become a common companion for the 16-year-old sophomore as she deals with back and shoulder pain stemming from an elbow injury and years of year-round sports.

The affable - but ultra-competitive - teenager said the pain is motivating.</i>

Next: If she wants to play college, the story should assess what colleges are interested in her, and where she wants to go.

Next: I'm sure you know this, but hidden within this story is a paradox: If the girl doesn't take it easy, she could actually ruin her chances at a scholarship. College softball teams don't want a pitcher whose arm is about the fall off. What does she think of that?

Next: It's worth asking how much money the family is shelling out to help their girl win a scholarship, and whether the money they're shelling out is more or less than the value of a college scholarship.

 

Is Irish a different form of softball or the name of her team?

If you have the space, Alma gave you the foundation for a really good four or five part series on this pitcher. If this family is giving you the access, run with it. Especially since summertime it might be tough to find local stories to write.

 

Some edits I made.

Quick points: Simpler sentence structure. Some grafs were bulky, more complex than they needed to be. Also, generally with features, I try to talk to at least the coach, the main subject player and a teammate. Just adds more depth.

=======================================

WALLA WALLA - Ashlyn Lyons has played softball, or baseball - or some sport involving a bat and ball - since she was a toddler.
When she was 3 years old, she started playing T-ball. She started baseball (not softball) at 6, and she started playing softball in youth travel leagues when she was 8.
When Lyons turned 11, she knew she wanted to play college softball. And That has been her goal ever since.
That desire is why she and her parents make a five-hour trek to Puyallup, Wash., every other weekend to play for a college showcase team in the spring, summer and fall.
It's why she often finds herself doing homework in a Suburban heading down Interstate 90, and why she spends her afternoons and weekends pitching for DeSales' softball team.
It's also why she's been seeing a chiropractor on an almost daily basis since the Irish softball season began in March.
Along with the checkups with a back professional, ice and saran wrap has become a common companion for the 16-year-old DeSales sophomore as she deals with back and shoulder pain stemming from an elbow injury and years of year-round sports.
But contrary to what you might think, the affable yet ultra-competitive teenager said the pain is motivating.
"I think it probably slows me down a little bit," Lyons said. "It makes me a little less accurate, but it also motivates me, so it’s kind of a good thing and a bad thing.
It motivates you?
"I know that if I start struggling, or hurting, that my coaches are going to pull me, so I have to keep doing what I'm doing because I want to be on the mound all the time.”
DeSales' coaching staff has been treating Lyons with kid-gloves this season, resting her in non-league games and pulling her from the circle when she'll have it. But that doesn't mean she has to like it.
"They limit all my practice time, and I have to constantly be telling people that I'm OK, even though they know I'm lying," Lyons said. "It really sucks sometimes to hear them say, ‘We're playing a non-league game, you can't be on the mound, we need you resting,' but I don't know ... that's just how it goes I guess."
As well as the pain, Lyons has been dealing with a number of transitions this year.
Her pitching coach of almost three years, Jerry Votendahl, retired with back problems of his own, leading to a new coach in the Tri-Cities and a slight tweak in her pitching mechanics. She has also changed her swing to deal with faster, better pitchers jamming her inside at the plate.
In addition, DeSales welcomed six eighth-graders to its ranks this season, including Lyons' younger sister Allesyn.
But that hasn't stopped her from helping the Irish dominate the Southeast 2B.
Rainouts and delays have muddied the league standings, but a pair of wins over rival Waitsburg-Prescott Tuesday left DeSales with a 7-1 league record and a clear path to the league championship with four SE 2B games remaining on its schedule.
Lyons has been in the circle for almost every league inning, despite her doctor's prognosis that only rest will fully heal her injuries.
"To be totally honest, I don't see myself being able to sit out of my own will ever," Lyons said. "Especially during the softball season. DeSales softball is pretty much what I live for."
Lyons' back and shoulder problems stem from elbow soreness she first began suffering when she was 11 years old. Her pediatrician diagnosed her with overuse, an easy conclusion to reach given the fact that the ‘tweener was playing AAU basketball and select soccer in addition to softball at the time.
But the pain was only of the nagging variety, and Lyons kept up the pace.
Then, while goaltending for Wa-Hi's varsity soccer team her freshman year, disaster struck. She hyper-extended her left elbow while making a save and inflamed the injury.
Her doctor thinks the elbow injury led Lyons to overcompensate for the pain while pitching, and in doing so, tweak her back and shoulder.
Thursday, she got even worse news.
"At first it seemed like he thought it was more muscle tightness," Lyons said of her chiropractor, Dan Elmenhurst. "But then today he started talking to me about nerves and all that stuff and it kind of freaked me out."
Should Lyons be restricted from pitching, she could always play first base instead. Not only would it keep her bat in the rotation for DeSales (one that powered to a .747 average in 2011), but Lyons said she enjoyed the position almost as much, and that she was actually a better first baseman than pitcher.
In fact, she could even find more success at the college level as a fielder and batter hitter than as a pitcher.
"I noticed in college softball, a lot of pitchers don't get to hit," she said. "I would definitely love to hit. I love to pick balls (out of the air at first base). Obviously, I don't want the other players to throw bad balls, but if I'm the one who gets to make the play and get the out, then that's just awesome."
DeSales coach Russ Vera said that Lyons has lost a little velocity on her pitches this season, maybe by 1-2 mph, but that in exchange she has been locating better and getting more movement on her pitches.
"Her drop ball is dropping better, her screwball is better, her rise is better," Vera said. "You're giving up a little bit of velocity to get that movement. You can throw 70 mph pitches, but batters are going to sit on it and crush it. Movement-wise, she's improved much more this year."
And when it matters most, Lyons can still be counted on to blow by a batter. Against league-leading Waitsburg-Prescott, per se for instance.
"She was throwing 56-58 mph last year," Vera said. "This year she's around 54-55. This past Tuesday (against W-P, when Lyons said she was hurting the most), she clocked 57.
"She's the most competitive player I've ever coached, the most knowledgeble player I've ever coached.," Vera said. She thrives on competition."

 

Den1983,

Why would you cross out details with actual ages instead of a cliche? You could write the first sentence about anyone. You can write the second about only the person in question.

 

True. I think you could go either way. If you use the second graf as the lede, then I'd like to see it rewritten to where it's not as clunky. I figured the initial lede worked because it was shorter and to the point. I don't know if it really matters at what particular ages she started playing the sports.

I do know, however, that having both grafs defeats the purpose. You only need one, IMO.

 

I agree you don't need both. Hell, you could start with the 11-year-old line and bury the age details inside a -- ... -- somewhere in the story. But if you have a number or an age and you want that as a lede, use that instead of a vague description.

Now, if we're talking what the real lede is here, I'd get to the fundamental issue: Doctors tell her to slow down, and she won't. The age stuff, to me, is background.

 

Bingo.

 

Thanks for the feedback.

It sounds like I pretty much buried what should have been the lede halfway through the story, which is easy to see in retrospect. Again, It really helps to get this kind of feedback.

 

It also might suck to question the people that gave you great access.

They were not covering an old buddy for a crime, were they? [/crossthread]