Feature on an assistant coach

I'm relatively new to sports journalism and eager to improve my writing. I'd appreciate feedback on this feature I wrote on a women's soccer assistant coach.

Thanks in advance for your time.


Link? Link: http://www.michigandaily.com/sports/dean-duerst-man-behind-curtain

 

Think in terms of storytelling when you write a feature. What's interesting about this guy? His long collaboration with the head coach. How did that get started? The phone call years ago.

That's your lead.

By leaps and bounds, that's the most interesting thing in the story, so when you get something like that, don't bury it. Start there, because it sets up the reader to learn about what these two guys have accomplished together and how their careers have gone.

Also, player quotes might have helped ... some perspective on how this guy helped mentor the defense into such an effective unit. The more people you talk to when you do a feature, the better. You may not use everything you get, but even some little tidbit -- rituals, quirks, training techniques, funny quotes the guy says during practice -- could be really useful.

In general, keep an eye on the wordiness:

In head coach Greg Ryan’s fifth year at the helm of the program ...

... could be

In head coach Greg Ryan's fifth season ...

Seven words instead of 13. Do that a few times per story and it can make a difference when space is at a premium. Tighten wording wherever you can.