Favorite stock quotes from prep football coaches

"We've got to hold on to the football to give ourselves a chance to win."

 

"Damn, I miss segregation"

 

I have one coach in our area who said that during the spring and when fall practice started. I can't wait to talk to him for the preview story of his team's first game this season. I'll bet my paycheck, he'll say it again.

 

I'm going to Hell for laughing at that.

But I dealt with coaches and parents in SW Virginia last year who look like they'd been to a cross burning or nine.

 

My favorite is those ubiquitous questionnaires we send out to coaches every year. Without fail, you'll get one that reads:

Weaknesses: Size, speed, depth and athleticism
Strengths: Work ethic

And you just know that team is going 1-9.

 

"IBM closed at $112.64 last night."

 

I've found that when white coaches use the word athleticism, it's usually used in reference to a black skill position player (most likely on the other team).

 

So, coach, how are you going to send in results this year? I have an email form all made up, all you have to do is fill in the blanks and click send.

"Oh, no, I don't do so good with the email, I'll call you"

*Do you mean like last year, when you said you'd call but "forgot" every time you lost, so I had to wake up your wife at home and she gave me the number for Skeeter's Off Sale and Possum Taxidermy where I finally reached you on your sixth can of Keystone and you told me your leading rusher was probably "That homo kid what plays in the band... Fuck, I don't know, I've got the sheet up at the school."*

OK, I'll look forward to your call. *Chicken fucker*

 

Funny stuff, Zeke.

Here's another good one.

"You either go forward or backward with a football program from one year to the next."

And another: We’ll be playing to the kids’ strengths and trying to hide their weaknesses.

 

"We're cautiously optimistic."

 

I love interviewing coaches from small schools the best.

"Well, we had pretty good numbers, but we lost one kid to academics; another moved away, and another knocked a girl up." (Dang, there goes 20 percent of the team. Boys will be boys.)

"We don't have great speed, but we have stamina." (This will be useful if they ever start playing football during a marathon.)

"We held our own at the 7-on-7s against several bigger schools." (We managed to find the place without getting lost.)