Family un-adopts Russian-born son

I have several friends who "just got in under the wire" before the slowdowns in Guatemala and China.

Great story, crimsonace... gettin' a little misty over here reading your post!

 

Back to the story at hand: How the hell did United send a 7-year-old all the way to Russia without an adult?

THAT's disgusting as well.

 

We traveled to China two years ago this month to adopt our son (after a 2.5-year wait). Had we been three months slower on our paperwork, we'd still be waiting.

It is *not* easy to adopt internationally, but our family has been so enriched by our adopted son, that we're diving into the pool again (and going through a vetting process that will, by the time is all said and done, have taken about a year to do).

Which is why it absolutely burns me up to see these parents send a child back to Russia. There are *hundreds* of families that would be willing to make this child a part of their family, and this family decides to send the kid on a one-way ticket back to Russia. You cannot adopt internationally without knowing there are going to be issues, and think everything is going to be bubble gum and lollipops when the child gets home.

The one thing every adoptive family is taught, through hours and hours of education, is that there *will* be unforeseen problems, both with the process of adopting and possibly after you get home. You need to be prepared for anything. If you're not, there are other options. However, years as a schoolteacher and coach have taught me, a lot of people hear something they don't want to hear addressed to a group, and they assume it refers to everybody else -- that it doesn't apply to them, that their situation will be different. Unfortunately, you have to be prepared for ANYTHING that happens.

 

Probably in coach. Kids fly alone all the time. They got people who look out for them.

 

Fixed.

 

No kid should fly from Washington to Moscow by himself, with a note from his mom that says they don't want him any more. This is fucked up beyond words.

 

True dat.

 

We adopted our son from Kazakhstan. We couldn't have a biological birth despite several attempts at fertility treatments and got to the point where we could do one more cycle of meds OR we could put that money into an adoption. We adopted because it was a sure thing.

And we went overseas because we were terrified of a US birth mother backing out of the process at the last second. We know a couple who was approved to adopt from Georgia and had been in constant contact with the birthmother for the last 5 months of her pregnancy. They arranged time off from school (they're both teachers) and bought their plane tickets to go down for the birth. THE DAY BEFORE the c-section, the birthmother's attorney called to tell them it was off -- she's keeping the baby. It was heartbreaking and I couldn't put my wife through the same thing.

Our little Beansprout is a great kid -- we adopted him at 17 months old. We had to teach him to cry when he wanted us or when he was hurt because orphange kids learn pretty quickly not to bother crying because nobody ever comes. We had to teach him not to hit himself or rock back and forth in a self-soothing way when he was upset. When he came home, he had a habit of hiding toys when he was done playing with them because in the orphanage there is so much competition for the best toys (and we're talking about a figurine or a block) that the smart kids hide them so they have a chance to play with him again at some point. Our little guy has dropped his orphange behaviors, but he still has a habit of taking at least two toys to bed or in the car every time we go somewhere because I think on some level he's still getting used to the idea of having his own possessions.

This Tennessee woman who adopted the Russian kid is so evil I want to throttle her. She adopted a 6-year-old boy -- she HAD to know there would be difficult transition issues. Our son at 17 months mourned the loss of his orphanage caregivers and friends from the orphanage for a month, so you know that this 6-year-old boy would have an even harder transition. And to be honest, I don't think that any one of us can imagine how hard it is for a child to a place where the language, the food, the smells, the textures, the pace and everything else is completely foreign. On top of that, the adoptive mother even changed the boy's name, which even further tears his identitity.

Finally, i wish I could tell that woman that there are no guarantees to being a parent. Regardless of whether a kid is adoptive or biological, he's yours and you have to love him and make a good life for him. You can't send him back if he's sick or terminal or he's having a rough time. You just love him and be his mom and dad.

Sigh.

 

It's amazing how kids can adapt to their situations at such a young age.

You and Crimsonace are both heroes in my book.

You've both done a wonderful thing.

 

Beanpole, Congrats on your successful adoption! Great story.

If it makes you feel any better, my daughter, who isn't adopted, does the same thing with her toys. You should see my car and her bed. Maybe part of it is just personality?? But I know you've probably had to work hard, and as one of my favorite posters on this website says, the adopted kids really have to be marinated in love.

When I have lobbied Congress on adoption advocacy (mainly advocating for adoptive parents), I have had Congressmen and Senate staffers express the exact sort of "wrongheaded" opinion that House did above: That is, why not just concentrate on the kids in this country?

It can be very very challenging to explain stories like yours and crimsonace's in 10 minutes... and get across the point that *all* adoptive parents need the tax credit, whether they're adopting internationally or domestically.

Fortunately, the adoption tax credit has been extended for all adoptive parents-- although, we've been advocating to make the credit permanent, and we haven't achieved that yet.

 

We adopted our son from Russia almost four years ago. He was 9 and had lived in orphanages his entire life.

We are lucky and blessed to have a healthy, smart kid who is in honors classes at middle school after just three years of American public school, having come here knowing no English.

He hasn't shown a lot of signs of institutional living, but he has a hard time connecting with kids his age. I think that's because he would have friends come and go at the orphanage and he doesn't want to get hurt by losing people he's close to.

He did learn to brown nose. He was the top assistant for the head of the orphanage, finding that brought him favor. He does the same with teachers now.

Despite our boy's good health, I am concerned about possible addiction, because from what we can tell, his mother was a drinker and/or drug abuser.

We had to make three trips to Moscow and visited the orphanage each time. It wasn't as bad as I expected. It was clean and he had his own bed, sharing a room with three other boys. But they had nothing. They got two sets of clothes each Sunday that they wore throughout the week. We were told not to bring him any clothes, because he wouldn't be able to keep them as his own.

Like others here, we went international because we knew no one would come knocking on our door asking for him back. We also wanted a kid who looks like us, figuring an adopted kid has enough to deal with without the stares. I've had a few occurrences when people have told me my son looks like me and it makes me laugh.

We worked with a Christian adoption agency and the whole process took about one year and cost about $30,000, including travel and accommodations. Were there bribes? Probably. We were shown a picture of Alexi, a 60-something man with Brezhnev eyebrows who we later found out was a KGB officer back in the day. We were told how much cash to give him and he acted on our behalf with the different agencies. He would leave us in a hallway. meet with someone, then have us sign papers. We ultimately went to court and everything was finalized.

People tell us what a great thing we have done for him, but he has given just as much to us.

 

I've experienced both ... quite a bit.

The first, pretty amazing given my 3-year-old and I are vastly different, but I have a pretty dark complexion for a Caucasian and almost black hair (people in China would come up to me and ask if I had Chinese ancestors because of my hair), so when it's he and me together, people don't look too much (or they say he looks like me). When he's with me and my wife, we get stares.

The other, same thing. My son gives us so much more than we can give to him.