Elizabeth Banks is bleeping Seth Rogen.

Oh yeah? Well, you know, some newbie got to interview Gary Williams for, like, 10 minutes. So, uh, in your face. Yeah.

 

JDV works in mysterious ways.

 

Great writer? It is possible, albeit highly unlikely, that I could reach Jones-ian heights. So I can deal with Jones' advantages over me in that regard.

A world-famous author who has a book in development as a movie? Oh sure. I could do that. It's possible. About as likely as me growing two more dicks, but perhaps lightning could strike and I could come up with an idea that I execute well enough to draw the interest of a studio. So I can deal with Jones' advantages over me in that regard.

A loving father of two children? It's possible, albeit a long shot, that my lack of virility in the bedroom will not extend to the potency of my man juice. So I can deal with Jones' advantages over me in that regard.

But having touched the goody that is Elizabeth Banks? Having corresponded with her, made small talk with her, seen her hugging another woman, made her tilt that gorgeous head of blonde hair back and inspired her to laugh at somethign you said? I cannot take that.

So let this serve as a warning Jones. I will find you, and vengeance will be mine.

Unless you'll accept an IOU for $1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 in exchange for her email address. I swear I'm good for it, as soon as I grow those two extra dicks finish my straight to Hollywood book.

Have your people get in touch with my people. I mean, me.

 

Directing credit (says The Google): M. Night Shamalangadingdong

 

This isn't a bad offer, BYH, but you forgot about my ability to fart the alphabet, and that might cost you. We'll have to see.

Bubbler = Hurtful.

 

Goddamnit. I forgot all about that.

OK. That makes two things I loathe you for. Farting the alphabet and hugging "Liz" Banks. I'd call her Lisa, just to piss you off.

 

I only hurt the ones I love.