Edit my clip?

I need some help.

I wrote what I think is a pretty good story this past weekend and I'd like to use it as a clip.

The problem is, what I wrote in one paragraph was changed by someone at the desk and subsequently changed the meaning.

Here's what I wrote:

"The game's only touchdown was Hackity Hack's 20-yard run off right tackle on a fourth-and-one play that left Podunk safety Harry Balls grasping for the air after he penetrated the line."

Here's what it was changed to and how it appears in the paper:

"The game's only touchdown was Hackity Hack's 20-yard run off right tackle on a fourth-and-one play that left Podunk safety Harry Balls gasping for air after he penetrated the line."

OK, as you can see the meaning has been changed and the edited paragraph sucks. It doesn't even make sense for a number of reasons, the main one being he wasn't actually gasping for air - he was grasping at the air because Hack made him look silly.

So here's my question. I want to use this story is a a clip. Can I make a small note about what my original graph said so I look like I know what the hell I'm writing about? Or am I screwed?

 

I see what you're saying (though it took me a minute).

Yeah, I would probably make a note. But you shouldn't have used "the air" in the first place. It correctly should have said "grasping for air."

 

Plus, you probably don't want that dangling modifier in a clip, anyway.

 

Don't make a note. No boss is going to be thrilled with someone who is dissing his own desk in his application. You'll write good stories in the future that can be used as clips. This just isn't one. It's too bad, but it's a gamer. A high school gamer, from what it appears. There will be other games. Even if it was the Ohio State-Michigan game, there will be other games.

 

Better answer.

 

It would be better off just to say he was grasping. He wasn't really grasping for air. He was grasping for Hackity Hack. And you have Harry Balls penetrating the line that way it is written. Not Hackity Hack.

Bottom line is this isn't gonna get you a better job with or without the error introduced by the desk.

Work on getting better and tighter with your writing and save those improved stories for the clips.

And realize the desk will ruin a good clip at tmes. They also will save your ass, too, more often than not.

 

Sorry to thread-jack (sort of) but does anyone else have a problem or pet peeve with this:

- - The game's only touchdown was Hackity Hack's 20-yard... - -

For some reason, I much prefer starting a sentence with ANY WORD other than "The."

Why not:

- - Hackity Hack scored the game's only touchdown on a 20-yard run... - -

Why bury the subject a few words deep into the graf?

(NDub, this by NO MEANS is an attack at/on you. It just happened your clip had the example)

 

Good call, SoSue.
Also, NDub, shouldn't it have been "grasping at air" rather than "for." He was, indeed, grasping "for" the runner. All he got was the air.

 

I'm with the "there will be other clips" side. And I agree, you look petty saying your desk made you look bad. So I'm afraid, only because you used the word in your inquiry, you're screwed.

 

don't edit clips.

don't diss the desk.

write another good story.

 

Here's another probelm I have NDub... you seem more concerned that the desk might have "ruined my clip" than the fact that someone might have made a change that affected how your story read in print.

The obsession with my clip, my clip, my clip around here is really begining to get to me.
Do your fucking job right and well, and you will accumulate a ton of clips without even realizing it.

 

His construction, with the "the", should have helped insulate him from that awful edit.