E-mails from an asshole

Guy sends out e-mail responses to classified ads basically acting like an asshole. Then he publishes the responses he gets.

Here is one of my favorites:

Original ad:
I am trying to get 2 tickets to the Nationals vs. Red Sox on Thursday, June 25th. I'm willing to pay up to $40.

From Mike Partlow to **********@**********.org
Hello, I do not have tickets to the Nationals, but I do have a video tape of my 7-year-old's little league team game last week. He plays for the Arby's Allstars, and they beat the Smith Hardware Little Leaguers. I am sure it will be way more entertaining than watching the Nationals get their ass whooped for the 49th time this season.


From austin ******* to Me
Fuck yourself, asshole.

From Mike Partlow to austin *******
Austin, my 7-year-old son was on the computer and he read your very offensive e-mail. Now he is going around telling everyone to "fuck themselves." Me and my wife tried to raise him to be a kid who doesn't curse, but thanks to your profanity, he thinks it is okay. I demand an apology from you.

From austin ******* to Me
You want my apology? Go fuck yourself.

From Mike Partlow to austin *******
I did have the tickets; I was just messing around with you. They were good seats - 10 rows back from third base. I was going to sell them both for $30. I would rather burn them, however, if you don't apologize. If you do apologize, the tickets will be yours.

From Mike Partlow to austin *******
I'm waiting...

From austin ******* to Me
I'm sorry about your kid.

From Mike Partlow to austin *******
Hah, what a sucker. I made you look like little bitch in front of my 7-year-old son. I don't actually have any tickets. Thanks for helping me teach my son a lesson about how not to keep your dignity.

Mike


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There are tons of good ones ... dontevenreply.com

 

Looks like the Jerky Boys got a computer.

 

You were right, basically, he an asshole. And he's not funny. Looks like someone who really needs an ass kicking.

 

I'm sorry. I know this is immature, and he is an asshole. But I just had to get up and close my office door because I was hyena-laughing at some of these.

Loved this one:

Original ad:
Looking for a pool manager for our hotel pool starting in July 2009. You must be certified and have prior experience lifeguarding. You will be in charge of several lifeguards for this position. Contact if interested.
From Mike Partlow to ***********@********.org

Hi, my name is Mike Partlow. I am interested in the position of Pool Manager for your hotel. Here is why I feel I am qualified for the position:

- I am an ex Navy SEAL. Water is my blood.
- I have saved countless lives on 3 different continents. I once saved an entire submarine crew from drowning in the artic.
- I am highly trained in underwater combat. I am prepared to handle any situation that may danger this pool.

I will make sure that this pool is safer than the Hau River during US occupation. Under my watch, pool casualties will be minimal. I will oversee a lifeguard "hellweek" style training program that I will make sure all the lifeguards under my command complete prior to serving for the hotel. Saftey of all pool guests is my top priority. I will also make every pool guest go through an intense underwater survival program before they are allowed to enter the pool.

Nobody drowns on my watch. NOBODY.

I look forward to working with your hotel.

- Mike

From Mark ******** to Me

Mr. Partlow,

Thank you for your application. Unfortunately, you seem a little over-qualified for this position. We already have a program in place for our lifeguards and do not want our guests to have to go through any extreme measures in order to use our facilities.

Thank You,

Mark ********
******* Hotel Staff

 

Funnier than any of the emails.

 

Original ad:
WE PAY TO CUT YOUR HAIR!
We are a hair styling school that is looking for volunteers to get their hair styled/dyed by our students. We will pay you up to $50. Preferably women/girls
From Mike Anderson to *********@*********.org

Hey! I saw your ad saying you will pay cash to cut my hair! Well I just got my head shaved, but I haven't trimmed my pubes in about five months. They are pretty gnarly, and I jammed my beard trimmer trying to cut them earlier. How much would you pay me to trim my pubes?

Mike

From *********@yahoo.com to Mike Anderson

Mike,

Sorry but we do not trim pubic hair. This is more of a hair dying and styling place.

Thanks!

From Mike Anderson to *********@yahoo.com

That works for me too. My pubes are very curly, but I've always wanted to get them straightened. Would you be able to do that? Maybe you could put some highlights in, and just shape up my split ends. Also, do you have some kind of conditioner that would take care of my crabs problem? My prescription ointment doesn't really do the job.

Where are you located? I am free all day tomorrow.

From *********@yahoo.com to Mike Anderson

Mike we work on HEADS ONLY. SORRY.

From Mike Anderson to *********@yahoo.com

Here's what I am willing to do. You style my pubes, and I'll accept $40 cash instead of $50. You can even donate my pubes to those people with cancer who need hair, if you want.

From *********@yahoo.com to Mike Anderson

NO. That is disgusting. Leave us alone!

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I'm holding back tears in the office.

 

I have, but I have the sense to be ashamed of myself for it.

 

He should have asked if the refrigerator was running.

That would have been much funnier.

 

If you like this sort of thing but would prefer it actually humorous, "Letters From A Nut" is a must-read. Seinfeld (under a pen name) sends oddball letters to companies and prints their surprisingly earnest replies. Maybe the funniest book I've ever read.

 

You beat me to the punch -- was just about to say these emails would be funnier if they had been authored by Ted L. Nancy.