Dissecting pop culture: SJ.com live blogs Hoosiers

Since Mrs. Bubbler was out of town and I was off on Monday, I watched my two little ones tonight. Not wanting either of them up late on a steady diet of kiddo shows, I watched Hoosiers on AMC tonight -- even though I've seen it a million times and even though AMC is infuriating to watch with the amount of commercials and the total disregard of timing them to avoid making movies choppy.

As the kids fell asleep, my evil plan to bore them working to a tee, I was engrossed as ever in the movie. Even though I'm a proud Wisconsin native, I went to high school in Indiana and this movie hits home perhaps more than any other, particularly the climax -- cliched and predictable though it is.

As a fan, I lived that Jimmy Chitwood shot to the letter. During my senior year, my own high school -- in a regional -- hit a game-winning shot from the same spot on the Hinkle Fieldhouse floor as the fictional Chitwood did, beating a team that boasted future Indiana and NBA player Alan Henderson. Just like the movie, I ran on to the Hinkle floor with the rest of the student body. We repeated it a week later when we won the semistate, eventually winning the state title the following week at Market Square Arena. I'm not afraid to say that it hits home so profoundly that I occasionally tear up on watching it, even though I've seen the movie kazillions of times.

But as I floated down memory lane, another thought occurred to me. What if the Hoosiers championship game was real and what if it happened in the SJ era? We live blog every other game of note, why not this?

So I give you the Hoosiers championship game live blog. We join it on page 8, after the earlier rounds were played and after an unsuccessful attempt by threadjacking attempt by SJ Masturbation Nation pondering whether the Hickory cheerleaders gave the shocker when Ollie was attempting his free throws to get Hickory past Linton.

Oz: I don't care if she gave a shocker or not, can we agree that Ollie's free throws were one of the most amazing finishes to a semistate game? Especially given Hickory's underdog status?

Sportsbruh: If by amazing, you mean whitest, hell yeah.

Almost_Famous: So what do you guys think about this game? I have to remind myself not to get caught up in the Hickory emotional thing, bookies eat that shit alive. Right now, I'm feeling pretty good about laying down $100 on South Bend Central plus the points. Anyone see any reason to disagree?

Columbo: This is bullshit. Why the fuck does Hickory get a shot at South Bend Central? Since there's no Indianapolis school, no one's going to give a shit.

BYH: Are you fucking high? This is the story of the year! How the hell can you denigrate the smallest school ever to make the state finals? Shit ... for ... brains.

Oh and A_F? I like your advice. I'm going to do the opposite and become a rich man.

South Bend Central = frauds!

Columbo: Have you seen who they played? Ooltic? Terhune? Freaking Linton? That part of the state is soft as your cerebellum. Hickory hasn't seen anything like South Bend.

Shotglass: Why do we always have to find fault in everything? No matter what happens today, can't we just enjoy what Hickory has done on its merits? Christ we're cynical fucks sometimes.

Oz: Man, look at that crowd. Hickory's never seen anything like this. I know its a pro-Hickory crowd but still ...

Starman: Oh not to worry. Half those ripple-swillin' hill-jacks are creaming their pants in glee. After all, Mr. Fundafuckingmental Norman Dale is coaching Hickory, turning basketball into sludge ball. I hope South Bend kicks the shit out of these slow-down huckleberrys.

(continued ...)

 

(continued ...)

Perry White: Deadspin says that the only thing Dale said to his team was, "I love you guys."

Bubbler: I love them too. In an non-platonic, sexually deviant way.

Hoops McCann: I love lamp.

Dooley_Womack1: I love whatever is under those Hickory cheerleader hoop skirts. I don't know how many kittens you could find under there, but they're going down.

Imjustagirl: I'd soooo like to play H-O-R-S-E with Jimmy Chitwood and intentionally lose ... just to see what happens.

Mizzougrad96: Hilliard Gates is doing play-by-play. He's a fucking stud. Better than Cowherd.

Too bad Hickory has no fucking chance ...

Ace: Barbershop quartet, huh? Cutting edge as ever for Indiana.

BYH: The B-Sharps would kick their ass from here to Sunday. I have their Bigger Than Jesus album.

(Tipoff ...)

Double Down: Holy Christ, I think by the time you read this sentence, Hickory just got beat off the dribble again. They are sloooooow.

Freelance Hack: Well it was fun while it lasted.

Starman: Hey Dale, eat a fetid dick you slow-down sludge ball asshole! Basketball lives to see another day.

Bubbler: The way they're shooting, Hickory couldn't hit Paris Hilton if she was stoned out of her gourd on ecstasy in a roomful of dicks. This is depressing.

Imjustagirl: Poor Jimmy! I know just how to make him feel better.

spnited: You two-timing tart, what happened to Brook Jacoby?

Imjustagirl: Brook will never see this thread, old man. And if I find out you told him, it's your crusty old ass.

OnTheRiver: Man, there's more bricks laid in this game than in Hickory itself.

Almost_Famous: Ch-ching! Feelin' really good right now. Hickory looks like shit. I wonder how my naysayers are feeling right about now.

Oz: It's the first half. Long ways to go.

BYH: Same as we always do. Smarter, less inclined to jump-to-conclusions, even less inclined to post passive-aggressive bullshit. You will never convince me otherwise Almost_Factual ... South Bend Central is a FRAUD!

Hockeybeat: A_F is talking shit. Game, set, match ... Hickory.

Boom_70: Were is Jimmie Chetwood? Wasnt he supposed to be the 2nd cuming?

Crimson Ace: South Bend coach Ray Crowe needs this win to save his job. If he loses, rumor has it he's headed to Indianapolis Crispus Attucks. What have they ever won?

Mizzougrad96: John Calipari already has the job, no matter what happens. Commercial-Appeal buddy told me.

Starman: Norman "I Am Jesus Christ Incarnate Of Hoops" Dale calls a timeout. Didn't see that control freak panic-button move coming. Asshole.

Oz: Seems to have worked so far, Starman. All those wins weren't luck.

writing_irish: I think its safe to say that Coppertone's market share in Hickory is at seventh circle of hell levels. The town where tans go to die.

Sportschick: I don't know. I kind of like these guys. They don't have all the baggage that comes with maturity.

(continued ...)

 

(continued ...)

Double Down: Hickory is getting their shit together. They're playing off Chitwood now and others are getting shots. I can now see how they put this together.

Hoops McCann: Damn! Chitwood is on fire!

imjustagirl: Tell me something I don't know. Did I mention the short shorts? I likey.

BYH: A_F!!! Columbo!!!! Where are you!

Shotglass: Chitwood heating up now. Hickory closing the gap.

Moderator1: Nice run. But it won't mean shit if they're tired and South Bend comes right back at them.

Freelance Hack: Can you imagine what kind of ass these Hickory guys are going to get if they actually pull this off?

Chris_L: None. There IS no ass in Hickory. I heard they have to walk five miles through the snow to get a hand-job. It's seven miles, plus you have to ford a creek, to go ATM.

Starman: Christ ... Dale is slowing them down. Same megalomaniacal grab-ass coaching ego crap, different day. And Chitwood just missed a shot ... way to go El Genius. This game will be lucky to make it out of the 40s, welcome to 1952 basketball -- lets all piss on James Naismith's grave!

Johnny Dangerously: Uh-oh. That was a huge putback. South Bend up 40-34 with 2:13 to go. Hickory is in trouble.

Almost_Famous: Whew! I still don't feel like I've got that $100, but I'm getting more confident. If I hit it, I'm totally buying some blue and white panties. I'm not sure which ones the South Bend cheerleaders wear, so I'm not leaving anything to chance.

Good Doctor: Wow. Remind me never to walk in the shadow of A_F's horniness.

Crimson Ace: Chitwood hits a baseline jumper. 40-36. Still plenty of time.

spnited: Nice fucking defense, South Bend. You could have parked a Studebaker between Chitwood and the nearest defender on that shot.

BYH: Please let it be! Dare I say it, frauds?

Pallister: Doesn't matter. South Bend has the game locked up if they don't take some dumb ass shot.

PopeDirkBenedict: We need a shot clock like Joe McCarthy needs a bourbon. South Bend can just sit on it, WTF?

spnited: Shot clock? Fuck that. Basketball went downhill when they cut the bottom out of the peach baskets. Its all been clicks and whistles since.

Hoops McCann: They took a shot! Duh-umb fucks!

Johnny Dangerously: Oh my. South Bend might have cut its own throat going for the jugular.

BYH: Frauds?

Almost_Famous: Hickory hasn't stopped them, why should I believe they can stop them now? C'mon South Bend.

Jimmy Olson: South Bend will win because South Bend rules.

Bubbler: Yes. South Bend rules. When I think of Indiana cities that "rule" South Bend definitely tops the list, what with its urban blight and blandness. If you take Notre Dame out of it, you could earl on the sidewalk and it would be a civic improvement. But, yes, South Bend rules.

OnTheRiver: Says the man whose hemorroidal asscrack of the planet-hometown has never whiffed a state championship.

Almost_Famous: Hickory missed! Yes!

Dooley Womack1: No! Hickory steal! Sweet backdoor lay-up off a turnover and its 40-38.

Oh ... my ... God.

Ace: This shit is getting interesting.

Sportschick: Damn! Plenty of time too! Go Huskers!

BYH: Adding the exclamation point now ... Frauds!

Hank Scorpio: Jesus, South Bend can't handle a press.

Crimson Ace: Steal Chitwood! And a bucket! Tie game!

Buck Weaver: Unreal.

Almost_Famous: Choking motherfuckers!

spnited: CHOKE!

Fenian Bastard: Shit the bed. Getting the vapors. Choking like dogs. Call it what you will, South Bend is going it.

Kaylee: Good God, this is a 14-inch cock-sized choke.

Starman: You've got to be kidding me. South Bend is going down like clowns and all we'll hear is what a genius Norm Dale is.

(continued ...)

 

(continued ...)

Shotglass: I don't normally like to pull the choke card, but good God this is bad.

OnTheRiver: NO FUCKING WAY!

Zeke: WHAT!

spnited: CHOKE! AGAIN!

Big Ragu: You've got to be fucking kidding me.

Oz: Another steal! Hickory trapped South Bend at mid-court stole a bad pass. Hickory ball with under 15 seconds to go.

BYH: Frauds! Oh what sweet release!

Jason Whitlock: OK, does Ray Crowe get canned for this? He should. This is an almighty choke job. Can't defend this on any level.

PC Load Letter: What does Hickory do now?

Starman: Knowing Dale, call some motion offense ring-around-the-rosey bullshit and they don't get a shot off before regulation. Play it safe, play for overtime. That's what these fuckers do.

Bubbler: I'd use Chitwood as a decoy. Everyone knows he's going to take the shot.

Hoops McCann: Agreed ... decoy.

Moderator1: Decoy is the way to go. What a game.

Shotglass: Here we go! No pressure on the inbounds ...

Bob Cook: Damn, why isn't South Bend putting more pressure on Chitwood. They must have sniffed out the decoy possibility.

Almost_Famous: Dammit! Miss this shit, miss this shot!

Moderator1: Who beat?

Big Ragu: Holy hell!

Sportschick: YES!

Boots: Money shot!

Hoops McCann: Chitwood manned up like a pro. Nice job Hickory.

BYH: Holy living fuck! All caps now ... FRAUUUUUDDDDS!

PopeDirkBenedict: What a fucking game. Best ever?

Starman: Jesus H. Christ on a popsicle stick. Basketball set back 30 years.

Almost_Famous: Fucking A, no panties for me.

imjustagirl: I could not be more in love with Chitwood right now if I tried.

Bubbler: What the hell? Chitwood didn't even do a crossover or anything. South Bend got a hand in his face, but fuck, that was some weak defending. Still though, great freaking game. Nice job Hicks!

SF Express: Headlines?

BYH: Hickory dickory dock, A_F sucks my cock!

DooleyWomack1: Hicks lick Bears.

Ace: Uhh, might want to look at that again, Dools. The world is not the Ozarks.

Buck: Due to the early deadline, check Monday's paper for the Indiana state basketball results.

OnTheRiver: Huskers Do!

DyePack: Who cares what the headline says? Just slap some 6-column jubie shots on there. Because you know, people buy papers because of design and big pictures!

Gutter: Hey Jimmy Olson, this is for you.

Good Doctor: I don't mean to interrupt, but there's a kick ass thread about Lucille Ball's snatch on Anything Goes. Topic … Is Fred Mertz getting up in there?

Crippler Crossface: I'm totally there.

 

That was fucking awesome!

 

Four Stars!!! ;D ;D ;D

 

My stomach hurts from laughing so hard! Easily my favorite thread of the year.

 

I would like to point out that I would have used "dammit" at least once if that was a real thread, dammit.

 

That is the greatest thing I have ever read. I am hacking up a storm and tears are streaming down my face here. The Starman posts were so good they may as well have been the real thing.

In the post of the year category this is the equivalent of Candidate A finding footage of Candidate B fucking 12-year-old boys and shitting on their chests two days before Election Day. In other words, the race is OVER.

The only thing missing is Hondo declaring Hickory the worst state finalist ever before tipoff.

God bless you Bubbler. God bless you.

 

Instant classic. ;D




But anyway ... extending the conceit, if I may ...

I still can't get to sleep after that! Can't wait to hear from any SportsJournalists.commers who were there covering it!

Uh, did someone TiVo or tape it? Damn it to hell, I forgot.

Amazing game. This is why the one-size-fits-all Indiana state championship tournament is the best, and always will be!

 

Nice!!

Never. Gets. Old.