Depression, Part IV

I'm not really depressed, but I couldn't think of a better way to do this. I just need to vent.

My son just left the ER -- again. This time, he claimed his brain was "racing," and seemed to have a panic attack.

For those of you in the know, he lives in Oregon with his mother. I haven't seen him since the end of September. And yes, it breaks my heart.

He is 14 years old and has yet to hit puberty. He has the mind and body of about a 9-year-old. He suffers from Asperger's syndrome, a mild form of autism. He is being raised by an overprotective mother who embellishes the truth at every turn, so it's difficult to know what is truth and what is fiction.

This little boy cried his eyes out on the drive home, wondering why he can't be normal. He just wants to play ball with kids his own age, run and jump and swim and climb, like a "normal" boy is supposed to. But instead, he's constantly being poked, blood drawn here, blood drawn there. He has to take medicine three times a day. He eats and eats and eats, yet always seems to lose five pounds when he gets weighed.

I often think back at my childhood, and I hated it. I hated everything about it. Much of my childhood has made me the person I am today. I've rarely had more than a few friends and seem to offend easily. And this when you consider I have made tremendous strides with things like my temper, not being so stand-offish and defensive, and trying to "be part of the group" so to speak.

I've been a believer for 27 years. This after living on the streets of southern California for a week. But in those 27 years, I have learned very little about letting go of my past. I still have hurts. I still have scars. I still remember BOTH times my mother told me she loved me. I also remember the myriad of vulgar names she called me.

I ache so bad for want of a real childhood. I was small for my age, and constantly bullied. I was taken advantage of by men, women and children. I was beaten, threatened and humiliated, constantly in danger, growing up as the only white kid on the Eastside of Riverside, CA.

Everybody tells me the same thing: How I need to let go of my past, how I need to count the blessings of today.

Therein lies the problem. How the hell can I let go of a past I never wanted when I sit here and watch my son going through so much of what I experienced? Yes, he has better parent(s). Yes, he lives in better neighborhoods. But he's still growing up poor, still getting bullied, still playing off by himself.

All he wants is to be normal. All I want is for him to be healthy. I would gladly give my childhood just to see him grow up strong and healthy. And the sad, sad truth is that, I believe I have.

That is all.

 

HH: Please. Please please please. Go see your son. Move there. Do whatever it takes to be in his life. I know you've said over and over you hate Oregon and you'd never go there again. Every time you write that, I think 'Seriously? You hate a state more than you love your son?' I doubt it.

You want to get over your childhood, you have to be the adult. Your son needs you. Be the father he needs and make that happen.

Sorry if that's harsh, but it's so clear you're in so much pain. Do what you have to do to change that. You have options.

 

Have you ever had irritable bowel syndrome?

 

I'm not here to talk about the past.

 

The hell?

 

I'm all for well-placed snarkiness and inside jokes, but HH is dealing with serious stuff. Be assholes in the proper place.

 

And what 21 said: Get to Oregon somehow, if only for a little while. This situation is only exacerbated by the daily distance.

 

Sorry to hear of your son's struggles and the memories of your own. As 21 said, the pain comes through and it is heartbreaking. I don't have much advice to offer other than empathy and support, as well as the hope and belief that things can always get better even when it doesn't appear so at the time.

 

I echo what 21 says. Your son needs you. Now.

Yes, you have issues in that state. They are minute compared to what your son needs. He's a child. You're an adult. Go.

 

HH - Please go see your son. He needs you; you need him. Please be strong for him - and please get some counseling. It will help you deal with what you've been through and focus on what you've got to do. It's not easy to admit that you need help, but you'll be glad that you did get help.

Also, as was stated above, please - no more smart-aleck comments on this thread. This is serious stuff.

 

This, this and this...

Go there and find a job doing anything. You and only you understand what your son is going through. He needs you. Go to him.

 

Harley, I agree with the suggestions of visiting or moving to Oregon. If travel is a problem, I don't think one-way Greyhound tickets are much money. I know how stressful moving is, although I can't imagine how tough a cross country move would be. Still, give it some serious thought man.

Your son needs you. You need him.