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Depression, Part II

Discussion in 'Anything goes' started by hockeybeat, Jan 24, 2007.

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  1. hockeybeat

    hockeybeat Guest

    The last time we had this thread, it was going well until a scumbag piece of shit asshole decided to mock people in pain. Hopefully, that won't happen on this thread.

    I posted this on another board, but I think it's fitting for SportsJournalists.com.


    I am a sportswriter in a major city. I have family and friends who love me. I have opportunities to do things that I only dreamed about as a child. By any measure, I should be happy.

    But I'm not.

    As I sit here at my laptop, I'm so depressed that it physically hurts. I haven't smiled in days. Usually gregarious, I'm quiet, working with my head down so colleagues can't see the tears in my eyes or the rage that's etched on my face. I don't want to get up in the mornings; I'd rather stay under the covers, hiding from a world that seems mocking and hateful and cruel. Sleeping is the only time I feel anything that doesn't resemble pain.

    I can't focus on things that I enjoy. I am a reader, but I can't go long without my mind wandering and forgetting where I was or what I was doing. I just started a new book and I'm still on the same page, one that I'm reading for the fourth time.

    I'm angry. At work, I spend a lot of time voicing a less-than-flattering opinion about the product and our readership. I hung up on a harmless reader twice yesterday; the first time, I intentionally disconnected him. The second time I told him we had no time for him. Co-workers laughed, but it wasn't funny. The reader was a poor guy who doesn't have much going on in his life and calling the paper probably makes his day. And I blew him off. Twice. I'm garbage.

    Friday, I woke up inconsolably sad and that's how I spent the day. My best friend swung by after he got off of work and hung out for four or five hours. It didn't matter. I sat there, miserable. Saturday, I was angry at the world for no reason. I yelled at my sister, who only called to see how I was doing. I punched a vending machine for running out of water. Later, I was rummaging through a closet, looking for a puck to mindlessly flip and catch while watching Hockey Night In Canada when I saw a cannister of Raid. I'll be honest: The thought of swallowing the bug and roach spray came to mind. I considered it for a second.

    The best part of my week comes every Thursday from 1:30 P.M. to 2:30 P.M. That's when I talk to the therapist I just started seeing. During that hour, I get to vent my spleen and I feel better, all my troubles vanish. The rest of the week? I feel like the world's collapsing around me.

    I don't know how to end this, so I'm not going to. I just hope I can help someone who is also suffering from depression.
  2. JackS

    JackS Member

    Reading the "simple pleasures" thread, and contributing some of your own, might be a good start.

    At the very least, it will shift your focus from the negative to the positive for a few minutes.
  3. Cadet

    Cadet Guest

    First, this isn't your fault. You didn't "do" anything to deserve this, and it's not your fault that you're "not as happy as you should be".

    Second, drugs. Try one, try them all, keep trying until something works. It's not a fix, just something that will help keep you on an even keel so you can do the personal work that needs to be done. Hard to do that work when you're transfixed by a can of Raid.

    If for whatever reason you're not open to the drugs, at least get out and exercise. Easier said than done when you're depressed. But you've gotta get the serotonin levels up somehow.
  4. zeke12

    zeke12 Guest

    hb --

    Talk to your therapist about whether your condition is seasonal.

    There are different avenues to treat seasonal affective disorder.

    And keep on keeping on, man. It's tough, but you have to know that you'll come out the other side.
  5. Ace

    Ace Well-Known Member

    good luck, hb.

    get out in the sun.
  6. spup1122

    spup1122 Guest

    Good suggestion, Ace. I know a lot of people who go tanning during the winter because it helps with seasonal depression. I know more than one male who goes tanning just to deal with depression. The UV levels will up the serotonin levels.
  7. qtlaw

    qtlaw Well-Known Member

    Hb, I hope you make it out and stay out. My wife has bouts of this at times and I used to fight her on it. I finally realized that all I can do is provide some reassurance that I will be there for her when she wants me and support her in each and every way I can. I hope there are those around you who feel the same way and can provide you with the support you need.
  8. old_tony

    old_tony Well-Known Member

    hb, I know how you feel. There are days I stay in bed till 3 p.m. Now some of it is because I often stay up till 5 or 6 in the morning, but I see that as a problem, too. Plus, I have a SelectComfort bed that is so damn comfortable. Now, I'm listening to the radio and watching TV, so it's not like I'm sleeping all of that time.

    From what you write, I assume you're single and live alone. That's a big part of the problem because it requires that you actually have to act to have human contact on some days. It's so easy to just stay in the house and be alone. Look at the times you go to work as an opportunity. But most important, when you're not working get the heck out of the house. (Too often I'm better at giving this advice than following it.) Instead of sitting watching tv or reading SportsJournalists.com, take a walk, even if it's crappy and cold outside. You'll find it invigorating.

    Keep seeing the therapist and maybe even explore with him/her some prescription help. As we get older it's too easy to stay in the house and not do anything. Then you feel bad for having wasted a day. Get out of the house. Good luck. And know you're not alone.
  9. Trey Beamon

    Trey Beamon Active Member

    Hope you start feeling well, hb.

    I'm not much into giving advice, but try to get out and spend time with the people you care about. It is (well, in most cases) usually better than being alone.
  10. zeke12

    zeke12 Guest

    hb --

    Another idea: Get a cat.

    Mine has been a big help.

    In fact, one day when I was feeling particularly down while I was unemployed, he refused to leave my side for the entire day. Made me play with him, sat next to me, slept next to me.

    He was a huge help.
  11. slappy4428

    slappy4428 Active Member

    Change that to pet, if you arent a cat person.
    Our dog is a rescue dog that hovers and loves attention; we give it to her. But we also think how we saved her live after she was mauled by other dogs.
    One might figuratively do it for you...
  12. Ace

    Ace Well-Known Member

    Nice post, old_t.
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