C3PO, why?

Star Wars and its Rebel characters are iconic.

Luke Skywalker ... the brash hero destined for a more meaningful heroism. Han Solo ... gallant smuggler gone good. Princess Leia ... regal leader of a fallen planet who dedicates her life to good as well as being prime masturbation fodder for those born between 1965-75. Chewbacca ... he could beat the ever-living fuck out of someone. Lando Calrissian ... sees the error of his ways and also enjoys a cold Colt .45.

The list goes on. But one member of the Rebel crew mystifies me as to what the fuck he actually ever did.



In the history of extraneous movie/TV characters, C3PO might be right near the top. And worse, he was an annoying prattling fuck whilst doing it. At least Short Round could drive, at least Scrappy Doo could punch, at least Whatshisface from Midnight Madness could spell Fagabeefee.

If there's some sort of VORP-ish worthless "valuable" skill vs. inordinate face time (he can translate languages!) ratio, he's got a HOF rating of 150. Which means he's the Vanna White of droids. I suppose if the gang ever run across Navajo code talking stormtroopers, C3PO will be able to fuck shit up, but that's not bloody likely.

When it comes to his pecking order within the inner Rebel circle and what he actually added to the proceedings, he makes Aquaman look like 1968 Bob Gibson in comparison. The motherfucker did absolutely nothing but bitch and whine.

Star Wars? Got captured by Jawas, got his arm ripped off by Sand People, hung out in the Death Star and did nothing, he probably could have smoked some sweet Imperial herb if he wasn't so high-strung, then, sits on his ass at the Rebel base while Luke and R2D2 do all of the heavy lifting.

Some will say C3PO saved everyone's ass in the garbage skow. No he didn't, R2D2 did. C3PO was just the messenger, and a shitty one at that, kvetching like the bitch he is that they were dead even though they weren't. He's a fucking robot, what kind of robot gets neurotic?

Empire Strikes Back? Gets shit on by Han Solo a lot, which is a good thing, gets more limbs ripped off in the Cloud City, also good, bitches at R2D2 when R2D2 knows the Falcon hyperdrive fix. Dick.

Even when he did something right, it was a mistake. He was wandering around Cloud City, presumably looking for the Cloud City droid-on-droid bath house, when he stumbled upon the baddies. Then, he can't get out of his own effemidroid way and gets blasted. What a fucking dillhole.

Return Of The Jedi? Ewoks are so fucking stupid that they decide to worship him. Then, when it comes time where he actually has the power to save friends that have baled his worthless ass out of countless fixes, he says it will violate his protocol. No effort is made at all on his part to find a way to save them that wouldn't violate his protocol, he's just like, "cook away Ewoks, salt those fuckers up." What a shitbird.

The bitch of it is that Luke, et al, just sit there and take it like its nothing. Their whole attitude is like, "Oh well, we all almost got barbequed by a bunch of pre-Columbian teddy bears, but ha, ha, ha, C3PO, what a maroon!"

Maybe the Dark Side has its advantages after all. If I were in their shoes, I'd use the force to fly around the movie plot like Superman flew around the Earth, go back to Jabba's sail barge and throw him into that massive desert pussy that would digest his goldbricking ass for 1,000 years.

New trilogy? Meh, who gives a fuck? I'm sure he probably did a bunch of annoying bullshit that make 21's Crossed Giblets Of Death tame by comparison.

To sum up: C3PO didn't do shit, he generally got in the way, and he did it all in a "Hello Guv'nor!" English accent that would make a sane person want to turn the planet-killing Death Star laser on oneself.

Why did the Rebels keep him around? He sucks. A lot. Fuck you, 3PO.

 

Dude you have put way to much thought into this.

 

Um...what? lol

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comic_relief

 

See also:

Fred Mertz
Newman
Frank Burns

I always imagined C3P0 performed some sort of sexual surrogacy for the humans when there were no other humans to be had.

 

He was far more useful than Jar-Jar Binks. Talk about clogging up the movie screen.

Frankly, if Jar-Jar would have gotten blown away by some lazers, that sound you would have heard in the theater was all the parents cheering like crazy.

 

Are you saying C3PO was hung?

 

C3PO was there to translate for R2D2. Kind of like Kenny on The West Wing.

 

He needed to hook up with Dot Matrix.

 

Not in the movie version.

 

You may be right.

 

C3PO was being built in The Phantom Menace, and was completed in Attack of the Clowns Clones. So the entire 6 movie ark was about the journeys of the androids C3PO and R2D2. It was not about Anakin Skywalker's maturation as a Jedi, his turn to the dark side, and his spiritual rebirth in Return of the Jedi. It wasn't about the Empire vs. the Rebels. The entire 6 movie arc was actually "A Tale of Two Androids"