Black Friday is coming, hooray, hooray!!!

Just don't use my name with my quote or I'll fucking kill you, you no-good bastard.

 

"This digital camera is mine, you raggedy old whore! I've been waiting in line since 3:45 this morning and you're getting this camera over my dead body," a 40-year-old female customer, who goes by the name of IJAG, was heard telling a deaf 78-year-old woman with rickets ...

 

Three years ago I did it. Best Buy. Wanted a cheap laptop. Didn't get it. Instead I saw madness.

Grown men were standing on TV boxes in the middle of the store barking out orders to relatives. There were other lines within the store which led to nowhere. Pulling, tugging, bumping...showerless stink. Little children puking. Frazzled employees everywhere.

I left about five minutes after I entered. I did not buy anything. I went back to bed and vowed never to try it again.

 

I quit buying Christmas presents years ago.

 

Dead.
To.
Me.

 

I'm actually able to navigate crowds very well, but you've got to have a plan: dress comfortably, wear sneakers, don't take a purse, and it's worth befriending a store employee a few days in advance who can tell you "the digital camera display will be at the front of the store, not in the back where the cameras usually are". If there's two of you, one goes for the grab while the other stakes out a place in line.

Another tip that has served me well: if a store runs out of a limited item, don't yell or be crabby with the sales staff. Just ask if they have a rain check or if they will substitute a similar item. Retail workers dread this day, and so killing them with kindness will pay back in spades.

Though I have learned that if you're buying personal items, not gifts, it's worth waiting until the day after Christmas instead.

 

And by befriending do you mean ...

 

Once or twice, I've thought about getting a part-time job at Best Buy or Circuit City or some other electronics store.

And after I scoped out the ads in advance, I'd set aside whatever sale items I wanted in a little box in the backroom. Then when it was time for me to leave for the day, I'd go back there, step to the register and head out with the cheap goodies.

But even then I don't know if it'd be worth dealing with these crazy people.

 

I guess after paying 21% interest on their credit cards and giving the government a $2,500 interest-free loan (aka income tax refund) every year, people need to feel like they are actually making sound financial decisions by shopping on Black Friday.

Whatever.

 

I don't think it has anything to do with sound decisions. What kind of sound decision involves waking up at 3 a.m. and standing in a driving rainstorm?

 

Getting a $25 DVD for $8, I guess.