Bill Simmons on World Cup ... perfect!

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/060705

This is perfect. It's all of my thoughts, EXACTLY. I felt like I practically wrote it.

 

You are not gonna make friends fast around here, kid.

 

RELEASE THE HOUNDS!!!!

 

My favorite part of soccer is when the guy takes a shot and is either wide, high, or the goalie blocks it. Which is 95% of the shots. And then the guy that took the shot that either was wide, high, or blocked by the goalie lifts his arms, clenches his hands together, and grabs the back of his head with mouth wide open in astonishment. I can never understand why the guy is so shocked he didn't score AGAIN!

 

Let the record show that the Red Sox are mentioned twice in that shit column.

 

And TSP proves than anyone, ANYONE who posts on here with reasonable humor could do Bill Simmons' job better than he can.

Fuck, I'd rather read Boom once a week.

Also, "we'd still be dringking tap water." WTF?

Oh, and as regards his "remote-control" test: Two words. Mitch Williams.

 

I love soccer, but that cracks me up too. Especially when the shot was a volley from 35 yards that sailed into the second deck.

 

lol
I watch all the world cup games, and your thought never hit me. Yet I see it all the time.

That paragraph was better than anything Simmons wrote.. And you didn't mention the Red Sox.

 

Well, credit where credit is due -- he didn't launch into a Darko diatribe. Small steps.

 

You can almost hear his lilting non-puberic voice when he voices his dismay about there being no thoccer on the telly about midway through.

 

Actually, what the guy is thinking is this:

"Jeeeeesus, I've been running around for the past 83 minutes; I've stolen the ball 132 times, but I've also lost it about 123 times; finally, after all this time, I get to actually SHOOT THE BALL . . . TOWARD THE GOAL . . . and I missed. I may not get another shot for weeks."

 

Like a comedian on XM said last night, the net's the size of Guam. Put the ball in the fucking net. If the hockey goal was proportional to a puck the same way a soccer goal is to the ball, you'd need two goalies to defend it.

I've been watching, but I always fall asleep in the second half. I don't think a 2-1 game in regulation is too much to ask.