Best Wedding Stories

This is good timing. I've got a friend's wedding at the end of July and I'm trying to work on a reception speech. Anyone ever hear some really good ones? I've been making a list of funny stories from when the groom and I were little kids, in middle/high school and whatnot.

 

I can't say my wedding (in 2004; late bloomer) went off perfectly, but we didn't come away with any wacky stories either.

My wife-to-be didn't understand why I put so much time and effort into trying to find the right bartender, until everything cranked up after the ceremony. Our guy was great.

I'm sure there are some bad bartender stories out there ...

 

I broke out in hives the night before the wedding, got some cortisone shots and steroids, couldn't put on my wedding ring.

That was mere foreshadowing to the divorce three years later...

 

The first of my high school buddies to get married did so the summer after we graduated.

After starting the day with beers and bloody marys to take the edge of the hangover from the groom's dinner, we drank all day, stopping only for the ceremony.

By the time the hotel bar closed, we were still thirsty, so some of my other buddies ran a mission at a gas station, distracting the counter guy while four cases got loaded out the back door.

We ended up the morning at Perkins, where my best friend stubbornly tried to order one of everything on the menu because he couldn't decide. He settled for one of all the appetizers and eggs benedict.

We returned to the hotel to find another one of our buddies who we thought had passed out had spent most of the night prank calling the police department. Somehow, someone talked them out of arresting him.

From what I remember, it was a rocking good time...

 

I was late for my wedding photos because I was drinking at Miller Brewery after taking my groomsmen on the brewery tour.

Then, once the photos commenced, a dog got loose in the park where we were having our photos taken and naturally ran at a high speed toward the woman wearing the big, puffy white dress. My brother-in-laws both dove behind their sister to protect her from the dog, taking down the collie and getting their tuxes full of dog hair. My mother-in-law, whose mouth could give any sailor a run for his money, proceeded to MF the guy who let his dog off its leash for about 10 minutes. We, of course, shared a huge laugh after it was over, and actually ended up buying a print from out wedding photographer of a photo which features the dog in full charge toward us before we noticed it, framed perfectly between the smiling faces of me and my wife.

 

Oh, where to begin.

My mother attended a dessert-themed bridal shower for my brother's former fiance. Who throws a shower featuring dessert for a bunch of anorexic sorority girls? My mother was hurt when they didn't touch her banana bread, even though I warned her.

But the best part, and the part I'm sad I missed, was how it devolved into a racist joke fest, even though two of the sorority girls were of the race being made fun of. They just had to grin and bear it. It was so offensive that most of the other guests - my mom and aunt included - walked out at that point.

 

I pulled the "Key" trick at my sister's reception, telling the story about how before she and her husband got together that they were good friends and they used to see other people. In fact, I mentioned, one of my new brother-in-law's old flames was at the reception and she still had the key to his place. So, as a sign of the new beginning, I asked anybody who had the key to his place to come forward and give them to my sister.

Of course, prior to the announcement, I passed out about eight keys to the hottest women at the reception and one to an 80-year old woman. One-by-one they stepped forward and gave my sister the keys, ending with the 80-year old who handed off the key and then gave my brother-in-law a big kiss.

Needless to say, my sister was not very happy with me. I -- and the rest of my brothers and sisters -- thought it was hilarious.

 

Upon arriving at my wedding, my father-in-law's genius of a girlfriend didn't stop with the parking lot and continued further to park the truck.....in February.....in the rain. Needless to say the truck was stuck. I ended up spending most of the reception alone while my husband, the damn groom was out there trying to work on getting the truck unstuck. Plenty of people said they'd help, but he declined and said he and his brother could get it out. The fact that I was the least important thing on his mind at our own wedding reception should have clued me in not to waste the next 10 years of my life.

 

That was awesome, the wife wasn't quite as amused.

We got married on the rainiest day in the history of Lexington, Ky. Rained out our morning golf outing and it poured all the way to the church.

So if they say it's luck to have rain on your wedding day, Mrs. Slydell and I are the luckiest couple ever.

But the rain stopped once the ceremony started, the night was perfect and her cousin paid the DJ money to stay for another hour, so we went until about 130 a.m. We played "Never Even Called Me By Name" by David Allen Coe three times. Good times, lots of drinking.

I even got an R2D2 groom's cake.

 

My cousin and her husband were introduced to the Superman and Lois Lane theme songs and he had a Superman cake (in addition to her really expensive cake).

Then, as they had their first dance, a bat flew into the reception hall, sparking off a slew of "You picked the wrong superhero!" jokes and such.

At my friend's wedding, the limo never picked us up and we had to high tail it to the reception in our own vehicles.

At the end of the reception, this girl didn't want to waste her chocolate martini she had just ordered before they shut off the music. She begged me to put it in her purse. I refused at first, but finally relented. As we got on the bus to head back to the hotel, she handed me the empty glass. I said, "Damn, what did you do, chug it?" She said no and then excused herself to go try to clean up her purse, which was dripping chocolate martini.

At the end of the night, when everyone was good and drunk, apparently the bride fell asleep in bed with the best man (my friend's brother) while the groom slept in a chair (I say "apparently" because I had long since passed out in my own room). Good times.