Best Man's speech

Heard this at a wedding a couple of years ago as a closer to the best man's speech. It got some laughs.

"..., and keep all the up's and down's between the sheets."

Kinda crude, but it depends on the crowd.

 

Never given one (my closest friends are generally not the marrying types), but been to plenty of weddings and heard speeches that run the gamut. The single worst best-man speech I've ever heard was one where the couple had dated for a decade (which happens these days), and the guy started his speech with "Finally. (nervous laughter). You know . . .Finally." Followed by silence. Followed by dude realizing the joke he had likely thought of just minutes before giving the speech had bombed horribly, and dude hitting the ejector seat as quickly as he could with the old standbys about what a good friend the groom is, how he wishes them happiness and all that tiresome, boring crap.

So my best advice, being part of some crowds which absolutely cringed and others which laughed throughout:

WRITE. IT. DOWN.

Act like you give a shit about your buddy's wedding. Have some written notes. Yes, it looks geeky, but it's better than going up there with "Uh . . I've known the groom for six years . . . . he's a good friend. . . . . . and he's lucky to be marrying such a great girl . . . . uh . . . . . OH SHIT! I'm out of ideas! . . UM . . .Raise your Glasses!"

All three of my brothers who got speeches just got short yet rambling ones about how he's been a good friend and what a great girl he's marrying and welcome her to the family (from the best men who were brothers) and blah blah blah. The guy's a good friend? No shit? Maybe THAT'S why you agreed to be best man?

Three years ago I was at a wedding where the groom managed to choose two best men who were both morons. Each took the mike and spoke about how long they knew the groom and what a friend he is and etc. No examples. No good jokes. Just a couple of a-holes who seemed like they cared so much about their buddy that they decided to wing it on the most important speech of his wedding day.

Ahem.

At my wedding, I was lucky enough to choose a best man who had majored in communications, and who consulted with other friends who had been best man to get tips. After the maid of honor had given a speech that she had typed on one sheet, dude pulled out four and a half pages. Well-paced, a lot of stories and good-natured digs, lost his place on the page at one point. The DJ interjected music at appropriate points, and it was perfect.

Sorry for the rant. Just act like you care, and you'll be fine. Think of what makes dude a great friend, think about why he would ask you, why you accepted, and what are the moments that define your friendship. And tell those stories. Everyone already knows he's been a good friend, and everyone already knows you have to say she's a great girl even if you don't believe it.

Be original, and give a speech unique to that friend and that day. Good luck.

 

This made me laugh so hard I snorted.

I've delivered two best man speeches and had one given for me. In all three cases, the best man and the groom were friends when the groom met his wife-to-be. so that made things easier.

The second speech I delivered had a natural hook: The couple met online (way back in 1996, in the days of the dialup), and their friends all told them it was a horrible idea. I was thinking about referring to our worries that he'd come home in a body bag and wisely thought better of it.

The best speech I've heard was given by a good buddy's brother-in-law. He made it a poem talking about how he and his sister had grown up picking on one another and ended it by breaking down as he said something about how happy he was now that his best friend was so happy. It was really something else.

The second-best speech was delivered just this spring when a friend from college, who had gone thru a phase where he never left his house because he wanted to sit there and drink beer and smoke weed, got hitched. His best man goes "Joe. I can't believe we got you out of the house." Brought the house down.

I never laughed so hard, though, as I did when the former EIC of our college paper got hitched. He had the former news editor deliver the best man speech. He goes "Rob, it's great to see you marry a wonderful, normal woman. Because--" and here he looks towards the table housing all the college pals--"we know you had a penchant for the psychos in college."

Oh so for my advice: Go with what Jones said.

 

Wow, I never knew you had a soft spot BYH. I really think you could be nice after all. I guess it is all my fault and I apologize.