Best Man's speech

This is what you get for having friends.

 

Whatever you do, don't call the groom by the name of the bride's ex-boyfriend. My brother did that at my sister's wedding a few years back. My dad cut the speech off almost immediately. In my brother's defense, the groom's name's Jay and the ex-boyfriend's name was Jason, and the brother had almost fainted from heat exhaustion (outdoor wedding, in Maryland, in July)

 

Do NOT mention banging the bride.

 

"Hey (groom), remember that time we got drunk and got in the shower together?"

 

Here's a never-fail laugh; I've used this before and if done well, can loosen up the crowd:

"I've known (groom) for xx years, and he's always been like a brother to me, and in the time I've known (bride), she's become like a sister to me. So it really warms my heart to see my brother and sister get together like this."

 

See, I can never remember if stuff like that is a do or a don't.

 

1. Keep it short.
2. Keep it light.
3. Mentioning women the groom bedded before the woman he just married is not keeping it light.

 

It wasn't that bad, I guess, it just was long-winded and involved members of the audience putting food coloring in their drink.

 

I like to warm the crowd up with some wife-beating jokes. And then I'll usually talk about all the abortions my buddy's ex-girlfriends had, so if the new couple has fertitily problems, we'll all know she's the barren one. And then I'll close with the time he fucked this drunk chick so hard in the ass that she had to take Motrin for three weeks after. And then I'll make a toast, to the bride and groom, happy forever, something like that.

 

See, that's why we're here.

 

Don't say that you knew the groom was settling down when he quit chasing the Jew girls.
Happened at the wedding that I went to last week, but it was one moment of awesome silence, then an audible gasp and then, for the ones in the know, they all turned and stared at the Jewish guy, whose wife was a bridesmaid.
It was spectacular...

 

"The bride has a penis"

Never fails to knock 'em dead. The line, not the penis. Unless she gets enraged ...